


Fix What I've Broken

by spnsmile



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Healing, Anger Management, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Apologizing Dean Winchester, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Best Friends, Betrayal, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Broken Castiel (Supernatural), Canon Universe, Castiel (Supernatural) Whump, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Complete, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Week, Domestic Fluff, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Everything Hurts, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Family, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Guilty Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Making Out in the Impala (Supernatural), Mildly Dubious Consent, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Romance, Sex in/on the Impala (Supernatural), Shameless Smut, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Smut, Trauma, Whump, angel grace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-02-07 08:27:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 77,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18616900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnsmile/pseuds/spnsmile
Summary: When Dean came with the Equalizer on his hand in the graveyard, Cas knew Jack should start running. Ready to face his best friend, Castiel made a stand, but Jack had other plans. Taking Castiel by the shoulder, Jack unfolded his wings just as Castiel looked back at Dean for a final plea. He saw Dean raise the gun in rage and pull the trigger just as Jack took him away to safety. But not quick enough. Leaving Castiel with a memory and pain that would give the angel nightmares forever.Or how the two try to move from the wrecking past and where Dean finds himself drawn to Cas as Cas finds himself unable to refuse the hunter, but what's new?Season 14 Finale alternative ending~ no zombies to take the scene from Cas and Dean ;p





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The bullet was meant to be shot! Dean began it and Cas will end it! Helluva Hiatus days and Fic days to come! Enjoy! 
> 
> Notes on PTSD
> 
> 14.20 coda.

A sound of beating wings in the silent air and two celestial beings appeared in the small space of a corridor.

“We’re here.” Jack quietly said after the flutter of his wings, leaving only the sound of the rattled wind and the earth pulsating on their feet. No sound came next as both beings heightened their senses for any unforeseen attack, eyes travelling to the corners of the room with shoulders tense. Ghosts could make more noise then, for angels could be silent when they mean to. They couldn’t afford the luxury of carelessness. Not when they knew they were being hunted.

By the best hunters this earth could offer no less.

Sensing no other presence apart from themselves, Cas moved his feet as he recognized the familiar corridor beside the stairs and looked around the wooden walls filled with cobwebs and the irresistible smell of oak trees and lake. The cabin looked the same since the last time he saw it three years ago. The same cabin where he never came out alive, that is. The cabin by the lake he and Kelly used as a shelter from the eyes of heaven, hell and the Winchesters.

Now Castiel was back there and yet again running from Sam and Dean for the enth time. But this time felt different. Where time was only a fleeting moment for him, he was surprised how the tick of the clock could send his teeth on edge and make him tense for no apparent reason. It even surprised him to know that they had been running for three months, two weeks, four days, nine hours and three minutes… to seconds. His awareness was making him tired.

“Cas?” came Jack’s tentative but dry voice, void of any emotion but he’d been trying. “You don’t look so good. Want me to recharge you?” the boy began taking steps toward him with two fingers ready to press on the angel’s temple but Castiel shook his head.

“No, it’s fine.” He replied grimly, licking his dried lips and pressing them as his blue eyes wandered upward to the stairs and beyond, “You seem to know your way around?”

“Yes.” The concern that was never there easily disappeared in the poker expression and it pained Castiel again how the innocent boy who used to smile at the littlest things could never come back to him ever again, “Sam and Dean brought me back here to burn you and my mother’s body. I suppose it was sad.”

Castiel’s eyes lingered at Jack for a moment who blinked back at him quietly. He could only see a point-blank look from the boy who used to get emotional when his mother was mentioned. The boy who cried in his mother’s arms. Now it was no different than talking about a tree. It sealed Cas’ lips tight and gave a silent apology to Kelly’s soul in heaven.

“Is it because you’re an angel that your complexion is whiter than a sheet, or you’re going to pass out on me again?”

“I didn’t pass out.” Castiel growled defiantly for a second, before composing himself and shaking his head, “I was mildly spent with our constant movement from one country to another… it’s not unusual even for an angel.”

“You’ve been struck by a bullet that refused to leave your body, of course you will pass out.” Jack pointed out without filter, “You’re weak, Cas, let me take care of you.”

Castiel sighed and didn’t say anything anymore. Jack’s notion was sweet, but he was also one to point out he does not understand the emotion. But it didn’t matter, Jack was still plenty smart as the boy had enough sense to revitalized Castiel’s grace when it ran out during the course of healing. Had Jack did not do that, Castiel would have died. Only because the equalizer’s bullet was now deep and stuck inside his flesh. A constant reminder of the angel’s status now in the eyes of whom he once called his family.

Unconsciously, Castiel reached a hand on his left shoulder. The pain was still there, it would never go away, but Castiel has decided he would not lean on Jack for support. It should have been the other way around.

“I’m fine.” Cas answered with a silent reprimand to himself because he was far from the word, but Jack needed to hear that. It doesn’t take Jack a second to process if he should care or not. The boy shrugged and began exploring the cabin stairs while Castiel slowly followed his pace.

Considering all the places they had been to for the past couple of months, Castiel had never intended to come back here in the first place. Not to the place where he knew the Winchesters were sure to check and layout a trap. Not to the place where everything began, no there was no plan for them to come back here. But three months of running without stopping and perpetually looking over their shoulder, Cas was sure a time would come when they could run no longer. But before that happens, they had to keep flying. Castiel never wanted any confrontations with Sam and Dean and despite Jack’s initial defiance on the idea of running for so long, the boy had always followed his request. Castiel made it a point to keep Jack from the Winchesters and vice versa.

For all of their safety.

But they were never safe with _The Winchesters_ right behind them be them demons, angels or Nephilim’s _._ Castiel had known that having shared the frontlines with his two best friends whose prowess in their business was beyond _human_. The irony of himself now being hunted was nothing new to him, Sam and Dean had always been on the constant lookout for his trouble. What made his position dreadful was the idea that now, Dean sees him as the threat as well as Jack. The memory of Dean standing in that graveyard with his intent driven eyes suddenly jumped out from his mind, making him grip his fists and stop in the hallway of the second landing and pause. The sting on his wounded shoulder was ever present.

Not for the first time Castiel realized how incapacitated this memory had been making him. When Dean came with the Equalizer on his hand in the graveyard, Cas knew Jack should start running. Ready to face his best friend and believing Dean would never hurt him, Castiel made a stand, but Jack had other plans. Taking Castiel by the shoulder, Jack unfolded his wings just as Castiel looked back at Dean for a final plea.

He saw Dean raise the gun in rage and pull the trigger just as Jack took him away to safety. But not quick enough as Castiel felt the bullet hit his shoulder. Pain struck his body for this was no ordinary bullet and he swayed on Jack’s arms when they landed countries away. Blood poured from his shoulder but the devastation and shock that was brought upon his vessel was nothing to the pain and hurt it brought to his soul as this fact embedded itself on his head…

_Dean tried to kill him. Dean meant to kill him._

Leaving Castiel with a memory that would give the angel nightmares forever.

The first few weeks after the confrontation with Dean at the graveyard was nothing like Castiel had ever gone through. The bullet, made especially to _hurt and destroy_ refused to leave his body no matter the number of times they tried. Whenever they do, it would dig deeper on his flesh that at some point on the third week, the angel was sure he could feel it at the back of his shoulder. It was a hellish week, as Jack had described while the boy sat beside his bed on some motel while the angel writhed in pain and agony. Once he asked Jack to remove the bullet forcefully, it only rendered Castiel unconscious.

And those were some of the most torturous days Castiel has ever had, even as an angel. Like his body was floating in a cloud, numb and intense with pain as his injured shoulder throbbed. What made everything more painful was it was done by the one person he would trust with his life. Castiel could only soak in pain.

Weeks later, when his head was much clearer, he began denying that his best friend meant to pull the trigger in that last seconds. The wound did not heal easily even with Jack’s help and the angel’s own healing ability. They were still unable to remove the bullet that almost became one with the chunk of flesh which took weeks and weeks to dry. Now there was that horrific scar on his shoulder but Castiel only shrugged it away, firmly making himself believe that it may have all been an accident.

Maybe Dean was surprised by Jack’s sudden movement. Maybe Dean meant it as a warning shot. Maybe Dean was blinded by anger because of his own lost… maybe Dean just didn’t care anymore because by the hunter’s own words— _he was dead to him._ But no… that was not right…

So yes, _denial._

He and Dean had been on a rocky relationship ever since Mary’s death and Jack’s involvement. But Dean never saw how happy Mary was. Dean never saw how at peace she had been than being there on earth with the boys. Mary only wanted to be with John. Dean was only angry. Dean only wanted to act with disregard to Jack’s well-being only because he was the monster of the week to which Castiel had to step in. Hunter or not, monster or not, they were his family and he would do anything to keep them from what had been the cycle of the world called _fate_.

Hunters kill monsters. Heaven manipulate angels. Angels only obey.

Castiel will not be categorize as any of these. _He had free-will._

But Dean. Dean said he didn’t care and seeing the pure sincerity in the hunter’s eyes… _that too was free-will_. Dean was only using the pretense of being a hunter to harm… to kill… to pacify the need for revenge. And until the bloodlust on the hunter’s vein has gone, Castiel will consider him the predator in the game. Castiel knew Dean would never stop until he finished the game and whatever or whoever you are when this is your truth, you know you better run. The pain in his shoulder never subsided even on his good days. No. He never had any good days.

Two months later the nightmares began even Castiel’s waking moments. Weakened by the bullet, the angel was forced to sleep every other day to avoid running out of grace. Angels have no need for sleep but they also didn’t have to keep a bullet from continuously digging a mine in their shoulders. Dean’s memory became his instant nightmare as day by day the memory became clearer: Dean standing there. Dean raising the gun and pulling the trigger. _Dean wanting to kill him. Unhesitatingly._ That was when tension began to surface in his body and even without intending to, Castiel began to tremble at the mere thought of the man. Days later the manifestation of his nightmare appeared in the figment of Dean Winchester’s figure, hovering in front of him with that gun on his hand, face expressionless and unreadable and living up to the reputation of the best hunter in the world. Every time he would appear, Castiel felt the need to flee, to run, to save his life. It didn’t help that his shoulder would also sear in pain whenever this figure would jump out of nowhere when he least expected it. One time the imagination got out of hand that Nightmare Dean was even able to aim the gun at him again. Ready to kill.

The next thing Castiel knew, he was lying face down on the floor. Thank Chuck Jack did not find him on such a state as that would be too humiliating. The boy may start to feel the burden that he was rather than his guide. But Nightmare Dean never left him, not when he was awake nor when he was sleeping.

At first Cas thought this ghost of memory was only his head messing with him. This wasn’t the first time Cas had experienced uninvited visitors singing and murdering him inside his own head. He remembered that time when he took Sam’s pain and transferred it to himself and then Lucifer jumped out. Cas was able to cope up by one simple gesture: _he ran with the bees._

Thinking about it now, Dean was right back then, Castiel was running away when he became that craze prisoner of the asylum. Running away from his responsibility because apparently, he was too weak and too absorbed with his mistakes he failed to see what was important and that was trying to fix the problem.

This time with Dean lurking around the corners of his memory, Castiel knew he couldn’t afford losing it. Not with Jack in constant search for his guidance. He couldn’t leave the boy alone again. So, with the image hanging on him like a guillotine, the days and nights passed heavily. Once the pain had subsided, they moved from places to places and even though he knew it was impossible for the Winchesters to appear on the remotest area of the farthest corner of the earth, his instinct wouldn’t let him put his guard down. There and again, visions of Dean appearing in places right before his eyes would make him pull his angel blade at once, with heart jumping from his chest, only to realize that he was still alone. But that made Castiel feel more dreadful for his instinct to defend himself was now kicking because of Dean. Dean who had been his best friend, the only human he was willing to serve in the name of what they both believed in. Dean whose soul burned bright as the stars when he first laid a hand on him and retrieved him from hell. Dean who was his friend.

Dean who was now causing his body to shiver at the mere thought of his presence. Castiel had long accepted the fact of this new emotion he hadn’t felt for a long time, not since becoming human and getting exposed to the world helplessly. The gut feeling that always instinctively tells you to _run._

It was _fear._ Gut wrenching fear.

An undeniable disabling sense of _fear_ only Dean Winchester can provide.

Castiel unconsciously ran a palm on his face and drew a heavy sigh. He felt spent; his fingers felt clammy despite the running grace in his system constantly being recharged by Jack. They both know it was taking all of Castiel’s grace to heal his injury but even with Jack’s help, Castiel continued getting weaker. He never focused on that though. Castiel had no opportunity to question this decline, he had no time to worry about anything else except to keep running.

“Cas? You still there?”

He became aware of staring into space when he heard Jack call him from one of the rooms. Raising his eyes, he found himself standing outside the old room Kelly used to occupy in the cabin. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there, but judging from Jack’s inquiring voice if he was out there, it had been awhile. Quietly, Castiel jammed his hands inside his trench coat’s pockets as he walked into the room, making a full stop at the doorway and leaning his uninjured shoulder on the threshold. He found Jack sitting in the middle of the bed, the same bed where Kelly used to lie, with both legs crossed and staring at him with round eyes while the angel raised eyebrows.

“My mother died here giving birth to me.” Jack went on without a change of tone, “Mary told me she helped my mother which is really nice of her. A pity that accident had to happen. But mothers are meant to go first in heaven is what I understand from some of my friends.”

“Friends?” this was the first time Cas was hearing of this, his eyebrows contorting.

“Yes. I met them during my travels alone. I also learned cocaine.”

Cas wiggled his eyebrows seeing no harm for angels could barely be touched by simple substance.

“Most of the kids my age has no mother.” Jack surmises. “It made me think it was natural order.”

“It is,” the angel replied in a gentler tone, memories of Mary in his mind, “but this ‘natural order’ never gets to decide who goes first or who goes last. That’s what makes lives of humans meaningful, Jack. Not knowing whose light goes out the next day… that’s why their moments are precious to them.”

“Hmm.” Jack pressed his lips. “I think you are saying something profound.”

Cas smiled sadly. “Yes, I want to think I am.”

“I understand it. But I don’t feel it.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I don’t blame myself either.”

Castiel bowed his head, the repetition of the knowledge that Jack was now soulless never ceases to slice a piece of his weary heart. “It’s okay, Jack. We’ll both be fine.” He paused and gave the boy a very solemn look, remembering the sole objective of why they went back in this place in the first place. “Are you sure you want to go there?”

Jack’s attention was set on him but he could never read him anymore.

“You mean opening the rift and living in the alternate universe?”

“Yes.” Cas stood in his full height; his features serious. That had only been their only option when Jack told him they could not run forever. Castiel had been worried about the same thing and when Jack said they could only live in a world where Sam and Dean never existed, the option for the other universe was opened. All they had to do was to open the rift and they never have to watch their backs against the brothers ever again.

A world where Sam and Dean never existed. Castiel never thought a day would come that he would consider this.

“Are you okay with it?” Jack’s question came out of nowhere.

Castiel took longer to look up, his eyes fixated on the wooden floor. Jack’s perception, Cas understood, was from his memory of the Winchester brothers and the angel’s close ties. Does Jack also understand how severed the link had become?

“We have no other alternative. Sam and Dean… are not on our side. And we cannot antagonize them in this world, Jack… because in this world you and I… we are the villains. Sam and Dean will always be its hero. They’re needed here. We have no place in this world…” that sent a knot clenching in his stomach. Saying it out loud was paving it as the truth. But this was not about him. He turned to Jack again. “As long as you’re fine with it, I am not one to force you.”

“I don’t really care as long as you’re with me.” Jack shrugged.

The angel of the lord narrowed his eyes in a fatherly fashion. “What did I say about that phrase? _Not caring…?”_

Jack stared at him, then as if remembering the rules of being soulless, he nodded his head. “I’m sorry. I meant I’m happy that you are with me because no matter where I know I’m not going to be alone.”

Castiel smiled. If the heart fails to work, then the head must be smart for them both. “If we’re opening the rift later tonight, I want you rested. We don’t know what kind of assault we’re going to face once we’re there. We don’t know how Michael left it or if it’s still habitable.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything there.” Jack simply said and his assurance had Castiel squinting. But he believed Jack nonetheless. The boy returned his look. “But Cas, between you and me, I think you’re the one who needs to rest. Why don’t you go to sleep while I be the look out?” he offered.

“No, it’s fine. It’s my fault we couldn’t open the rift now, I took most of your grace.”

“I have plenty.”

“I know, but you’re not going to spent it all just because you have an abundance of it. There is such thing as control.”

Jack easily recognized the admonishment and nodded. “Okay. But you still look like you could do with some sleep. I saw you doze off many times you know. You passed out, remember?”

“ _I didn’t pass out.”_ Castiel couldn’t help rolling his eyes, but that piece of information was new to him. _He was dozing off? Was the decline of his grace that much already?_

Jack seemed to be having the same kind of thinking. “You sure you don’t want me to recharge your grace?”

Castiel shook his head quietly, “Save it for the alternate world. My grace is fine.”

“You think we can find someone who can remove that bullet without killing you in the alternate world?”

Castiel shook his head, lost for words. Actually, he had an idea of the only person who can remove the bullet. But he had enough of calling him and asking him for help. It never does any of them any good when dealing with the most powerful.

“I don’t know…” he found himself saying drily, “but hopefully we won’t be having the same problem in the alternate universe as the one we’re having here. It’s still early but since neither of us needed replenishment, I want you to rest while I check the place. Don’t go anywhere without telling me, okay?”

Jack took a moment to respond. “Of course.”

Castiel nodded and exited the room slowly balancing his weakened grace and head already wandering on the security of the cabin he had been sure to carve sigils. The last time Sam and Dean were here, they put up angel banishing sigils to keep Lucifer out, but him and Jack able to go in without a hitch meant the angels had already rounded the place. He supposed it must’ve happened sometime when he died. He silently wondered what his brothers thought of him when they saw his empty vessel. Shaking his head for it was like asking between Zacharias’ response against Balthazar, the angel went at the back of the house to see the same landscape of the mountain and the lake. Nothing much has changed except there no longer was a snow cape and the lake no longer frozen. Cas stepped on the soil, eyes turning to his left and right, before stopping at the exact spot where he remembered the rift to stand. There was only the blank air there now. Quietly, he lowered his eyes down the ground where he visibly remembered dying. The ground where his wings possibly scorched.

Yes, that was where he died.

In front of Sam and Dean and Dean’s cry ringing in his ears before there was nothing.

Castiel kept his eyes transfixed on the ground for some time. He let silence drown him and in doing so, was able to tap clearly on the link he had been withholding to reconnect. The one where he could still hear Dean _praying to him._ Every once and awhile, he would find himself listening to Dean’s prayer. Not that he could act upon it, he had willed himself never to show himself in front of Dean ever again. Not after seeing that searing anger in his eyes. Not after Dean pulled the gun. Castiel had no desire to be the receiver of his best friend’s wrath again. And the thought of seeing Dean next with his green eyes filled with hate and intention to end everything, that was one thing Castiel never ever wanted to see in his eyes again. Especially not directed at him.

_Damn you, Cas! You’re not getting away when I find you…_

The angel sucked some air as he opened his wet eyes into the bright afternoon light, unable to control the blurring of his sight. Before he realized it, he was shaking. That was Dean’s angry voice. Dean knew he survived. Dean was still hunting him. _Dean still wanted to kill him._ In one heave of his chest, he admitted silently that he had lost Dean a long time ago, back when Mary died. Back when the hunter told him ‘ _you’re dead to me’_ which he initially thought Dean never meant. He thought Dean was only speaking out of anger, that Dean acting out in front of him telling him he doesn’t care what Cas thinks anymore or whether Cas was on his side or not, that was Dean telling him he was _dead._ It was not a literal sense. It was what they had that died.

It was their relationship that died with Mary and the lies and the burden of believing everything was going to be alright. No… Dean never thought it was going to be alright. It was only always Cas. Only him.

With a bite on his lower lips, Castiel lowered his head, his throat constricted as he closed his eyes to the final verdict: _Dean meant it._ All of it. He had been dead to Dean a long time ago.

He was just like any other monster Dean needed to hunt now.

So, it was with a pounding heart that Castiel raised his head again to find Dean standing in front of him with the gun on his hand. Castiel’s eyes automatically burned bright blue and the mental image of Dean Winchester disappeared at once. Cas closed his eyes with a trickle of tear sliding down his cheek.

* * *

Night had enveloped the sky quickly and though they initially planned to open the rift at sundown, Jack had not come down from the room when Castiel returned to check on him. The angel went upstairs and found the half-angel asleep by his mother’s bed after he finished checking the entirety of the house. Not having the heart to disturb him since the boy had been flying them across the globe nonstop, Castiel had positioned himself as their silent sentinel on the ground floor. Jack can have the sleep that he requires while he, Castiel, like every other night where the boy was allowed to keep his guard down, pulled every ounce of his grace at maximum alert, waiting for any Winchesters to come and attack.

It was the only way to calm his wrecked nerves then. In his silent vigil, Castiel sat rigidly by the couch facing the front door with eyes glowing blue as his grace made his body burn. He had been at it for almost an hour now. Dean’s figment was no longer there. The use of his grace was allowing him to dispatch the troublesome memory. It was the only way he could concentrate and he could not afford losing this one or as Jack had phrased it— _he might pass out again._

After tonight they don’t need to run, he assured himself. After tonight, he doesn’t need to worry about Dean murdering Jack in his sleep. After tonight, he will be free from his connection to Dean and then maybe, just maybe, he had a shot to living again. Living for what, he couldn’t be sure but he had always been known to strive where others could not.

_Life without Dean… he was sure he could be at peace now without the man constantly shooting him…_

Castiel’s grace ran out and like the phantom that it was, the image of Dean was there by the door way. Exhaling, Cas summoned his grace with a bow of his head and came up with eyes bright blue once more. He had enough of running. Eventually he really needed to stop. Three months of running from the Winchesters were truly trying. The alternate world as a choice had never been more appealing to him because Cas had never felt Sam and Dean’s threats this real. Not when he was weak from the bullet, not when he was always out of grace. He and Jack needed a sanctuary where they will not be murdered by the two people they used to love. Well, Sam may not want to kill him… but Dean.

_Dean was the real threat. Dean would kill him._

Castiel didn’t know how long he had his eyes closed but he was surprised to realized he had fallen asleep! Still too weak... Reprimanding himself yet again, he wondered what it was that awoke him. Silence fell as he listened, then the familiar sound of a reverberating engine snapped him from inattention. _No way_...impossible...

Castiel was now fully awake by the most dangerous sound he had ever heard. That sound of rumbling machine rattling under metals and scraps… he was sure it was the impala. _Dean’s impala!_

Castiel stood up almost immediately the same moment his grace clicked out. His heart pummeled on his chest, the angel wavered from running to the hallway to rouse Jack and to wait if _he_ was really coming. He tensed when he heard a snapping sound of a car door closing. His gut feeling told him to run, he felt all nerves on his body told him to fly—to disappear—

But a part of his brain was telling him _this was Dean. This was his Dean._

His feet were still firmly planted on the ground and without knowing when he took it out, he knew he was already holding on his angel blade. But he knew he could never hurt Dean and Dean was there to kill him and Jack. The thought of Jack still fast asleep awoke the strength that enable Cas to run just as the door’s knob turned. He was already in the middle of the stairs by the time he heard Dean’s voice downstairs. Castiel buried his voice by his own cries, calling Jack from his room. Instantly the angel was able to reach Kelly’s room where the light was never turned on.

“Jack!” he hollered in that deep timbre of his voice, eyes falling on the empty bed. That left him dumbfounded. “Jack?” he looked around and saw no sign of the half-angel. Taking this, Cas quickly turned his heels and ran to his own room he was never able to use. The room was also empty and Castiel had to check even the bathroom even though he knew it was futile but he was beginning to panic. _“JACK!”_

There was still no response. Like Jack had been swallowed by the earth and disappeared forever.

His mouth gaping open and close, Cas helplessly looked around for some way to trace the boy but all senses alerted him of someone standing by the doorway. Castiel visibly froze.

“Cas?”

Something like a bolt of lightning seemed to hit him where he stood and Castiel’s eyes found only one escape—the window. Before his mind could register what his body was doing, Cas had thrown himself forward with all intent to jump and escape—Dean shouted behind him and this only aggravated him into action— _the window was his only way._

_Inside his head Dean’s voice was loud and clear— ‘Me and Sam, we’ve killed just about everything there is. And this? Jack? I’ll find another way because he’s just another monster.’_

Castiel’s own voice echoed in his head—' _You don’t mean that.’_

_And Dean’s uptight answer, so sincere and dangerous and Castiel believed him when he said it._

_‘The hell I don’t.’_

There was a scream in his head that he couldn’t let out. His angel blade was not meant for humans and Castiel knew he would never hurt Dean. The only way was for him to escape and never meet in the same space. He was able to fit half his body out, nearly felt the cool breeze on his burning skin but all freedom was yanked out from his hands when he was tugged backwards by the hem of his trench coat—and before he knew it a vise like grip was on his waist and he was being dragged down the floor with Dean’s familiar hands— Castiel scrambled away the moment his back hit the ground. The man was saying something but Castiel would be damned if he let himself get killed now—not when Jack needed him. Not when they were nearly out from the grasps of the Winchesters—of _Dean—_ which was too ironic with the hunter now hovering above him, pinning him the ground effectively as Castiel tried to squirm from his grip.

_It was no use. He was going to get killed._

_By Dean no less._

“Cas…! _Cas, stop!”_

Castiel fought his way out of the man’s arms. He thrashed underneath the hunter, unable to see where his angel blade has gone—Dean probably managed to retrieve it when they crashed on the floor so the angel desperately squirmed under him—fighting for his last breath if it was the last thing he did. He felt anger course through him, felt the defensive state of an angel being crowded by a dozen demons but his grace wouldn’t allow him anything more than a shove on the man’s shoulder. It was when Castiel realized he hated Dean Winchester. He was glad that his angel blade was not on his hands though, or Dean would suffer. All despites, he would never hurt the man.

 _“Cas, calm down!”_ But Dean’s voice was not registering. All the angel heard was the man’s growling voice, angry and commanding. He felt Dean’s strong grip on his shoulder, his thumb digging on his flesh, pinching on the bullet still buried deep within him, the same bullet that had made his weeks a living hell. There it was again, digging deeper and deeper like it meant to come out on the other side. The pain was not in his head, it was all happening all over again.

Castiel choked out a sob.

_“Please stop…!”_

Hands easily lifted from his shoulders and Castiel found the strength to flip himself around and crawl, not wanting to see how the green eyes of his friend had turned murderous upon laying its eyes on him, his prey. He wished this was just his imagination but he could feel Dean watching him intently. Castiel doesn’t have the heart to look.

One more glimpse of Dean Winchester’s murderous eyes and Castiel knew he would give in. He could barely feel air in his lungs. He crawled, he kept crawling with a plea for his strength to return. The bullet in his shoulder was making itself known and it was all Castiel could do not to whimper in pain in front of a known enemy.

He thought he heard Dean call him softly but he didn’t risk looking up. The same figure in his head had done that, only to find Nightmare Dean pointing the gun in his temple. He couldn’t risk what little hope he had left to the man who was about to murder him. With the last muster of his strength, the angel dragged himself and clambered on a chair, on to the wall until he was able to stand on his feet shakily.

_“Cas?”_

Castiel ignored it and did everything in his power to put much distance between him and the hunter. He breathed once he was outside the room but the moment, he lifted his chin up, his vision doubled as darkness took over and the last thing he remembered was firm arms catching him as his consciousness dived into oblivion.

He knew it was Dean. He also knew he would never wake up again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean finds the difference...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotions left and right! Duck!  
> Emotional Winchester aboard! Duck!
> 
> Thank you for your support!  
> And yes, this was inspired by 'You are the Reason' by Calum Scott!
> 
> Enjoy the paaainnn.... (but we're all used to it by now) :0

_Wake up… He’ll come…_

_Wake up… He’ll kill you…_

_Wake up… He’s here…!_

Electric pain shot through his body almost instantaneously the moment his consciousness greeted him with warnings that had been his constant alarm whenever he resurfaced from one of his unexpected slumber. Erratic nerves shook his whole body, but he tried to muster his emotions at once, having woken up many times in the same state for the past months, it was almost natural to him. _Calm down…_ he chanted repeatedly with eyes shutting close till his breathings became even.

 _Just calm down_ … _you’re safe…_

He opened his eyes, his blue eyes watery from the excessive force of shutting it close and found himself staring into the dark ceiling, his body surprisingly on a soft bed with covers up to his shoulders and it made the angel wonder if Jack had found him unconscious yet again on the floor like the last time. There had always been the two of them ever since their escape. _So, did he collapse again?_

Chastising himself for his weakness, he tried to move his head with difficulty to see if the boy was around. There was no point worrying if Jack had been worried, Jack could act with remotely any concern but he always knew what to do with Cas. Like that time the boy healed him when the bullet had wrecked half his shoulder which rendered him out of sorts for hours. Or when that time he was tortured by said injury for weeks and only Jack was there to offer, if not comfort, then company. Jack had developed a sense of responsibility over Castiel that the angel never intended to impose on those weeks. He was the one who’s supposed to look after Jack for Chuck’s sake.

Cas felt the rawness of his throat when he tried to gulp and call the boy’s name. It then came to him how terribly sore he was as though he did not come from resting at all. Usually an amount of strength would have returned by now but he just felt heavy and scared for some reason. Then again, he had gotten used to that jumpy feeling ever since Nightmare Dean decided to occupy a corner of his mind. The sudden thought of Dean Winchester caused a drawback on his breathing and there was a numbing pain on his fingers and realized he had been clutching the covers with bone breaking rigidity. It made him grit his teeth in frustration. He felt the heavy rise and fall of his chest though it did not bring him any comfort. He just laid there, tired and weary and unable to shake the feeling of wanting to run. But he stayed, wondering how long he would last if he just let himself lay there. Would Dean come to finish the job? Would Dean be able to give him the peace that he has desperately sought?

Maybe if he just let Dean do what he wants, the hunter would finally leave him alone. After all, with Castiel dead, Dean can now move on with his hunting job. Who knows how many people have died with the hunter solely focused on one target for many months? The living world must have suffered.

Castiel numbly stared at the ceiling.

He had another terrible dream about the hunter. One which he didnt wish to relieve nor drift back into with deadly Nightmare Dean on top of him raising an angel blade ready for the kill, but the excruciating pain that assaulted his limbs next was enough to bring him back from the netherworld to whatever hell he has now found himself into. But then, he had been to hell. Now he wasn't sure if he escaped it in the first place. With his sore body waking all his senses, Castiel had to be reminded how he hated sleeping and waking at the same time. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore, but maybe a drink of water would help.

With a slight groan at the pain on his shoulder when he tried to move and sat up, the angel blinked again and tried to see in the darkness. He made no motion to move in the next minutes, trying to gather the essence of this reality with a tight knot in his stomach at the remnants of Dean's vision in his dream. Months of jolting pain and feeling of alarm had made the angel accustomed to nerve wrecking and unceremonious wake ups. He squinted at the door and saw dim light from the corridor. Where were they again? Wasn’t it some motel in Cairo…? He glanced to his left and saw the window where the moonlight shed little light and frowned. The swaying leaves outside definitely does not give off Cairo. But the place looked familiar to him… then the sight of the window paralyzed the angel as something occurred to him.

No. They were no longer in Cairo. He and Jack had decided to return to United States, to that cabin where they had agreed to open the rift to another reality where Sam and Dean can no longer hunt them. A safe place where they can live in peace… but then something happened… _something deadly… someone dangerous…_

A terrible feeling began to creep up on him with his whole body turning cold. Pieces by pieces the memory came slicing through him from the sound of the impala, to the hunter opening the knob, the sound of his own footsteps as he ran to the corridor, Jack’s absence and then the man’s presence behind him with his angry, overpowering voice that once told him to walk away—

_Damn it, Cas! You won’t get away when I find you…!_

Castiel’s body tensed and he frantically clawed on his trench coat’s arm to find his angel blade for protection, only to realize he was not wearing his trench coat. He was wearing a clean lose white shirt with its buttons half close up to his chest. He had no time to think of how—he only wanted to find his angel blade and flee—flee and find Jack because Dean Winchester was around and he could not stomach the thought, the pain, the winding, scattered emotion his body automatically jumps into like he was being possessed. Telling him again and again that he had to escape. He had to survive. _Or the bullet will finally do its intended job._

Amidst his agitated movement as he swung his legs on the side of the bed to the floor, Cas became suddenly aware of a pair of eyes watching his every movement. The angel kept still, his breathing racing as his fists clutched the side of the bed to numbing pain. _He was there. It was too late. No blade, no power and against the best hunter the world will ever have, he stood no chance._

_He, Castiel, angel of the Lord, will have to die now._

Castiel turned his face to meet the green-eyed hunter standing by the wall next to the door with arms crossed with half his face in the darkness. Seeing him there drained all the color remaining in the angel’s face and he had to close his eyes, kept it for longer than a second to send a silent prayer to heaven, before opening his eyes again and meeting Dean’s green eyes which inevitably means his imminent _death._

_A long time ago he would have embraced death if it meant saving the life in Dean’s green eyes… now it terrified him out of his wits to see them. The green eyes that haunted him during his weeks of torture and pain._

The last thing he would see before his soul is dragged once more into the Empty where hopefully, Dean could never follow. He just wanted Dean to disappear from his mind forever.

* * *

Dean had been standing there for more than an hour with back pressed on the wall, arms crossed and right thumb between his lips, his teeth biting on his nail anxiously as he watched the figure on the bed with apprehension that had been eating him since he stepped inside the cabin.

Everything that happened in that room the moment he came in had stunned him from the initial feeling of relief at finally finding Cas after many months, alive and well to instant distraught as he watched the angel dive down the window when he called his name like he had been set on fire on the spot. Confusion mixed with alarm had sent Dean to tackle Cas, overcome by his own instinct to keep the angel, at the same time, fear that Cas might hurt himself with how violently he swung himself on the opening. He pulled him down but the crash couldn’t be controlled as Cas kicked in the air. Dean gritted his teeth and apologized to his best friend, but to his disappointment, Castiel continued struggling beneath him, pushing him far as if wanting nothing but to get away from his clutch and it dawned on Dean that something was wrong with Cas. Calling the angel was not working so Dean had to clutch on his shoulders to keep him still less he hurts himself further, but the moment he pressed on, an upsetting sound came from the angel, a broken cry which electrified Dean to freezing point—

_“Please stop…!”_

Dean would have killed anyone who ever made Cas make that sound. _Which made him silently hate himself again._

“Cas?” he called almost helplessly as the angel crawled away from him while the hunter remained kneeling where he was. What was happening? Why was Cas acting like he didn’t know him…? Why was his friend acting like there was a demon there right in front of him instead of his best friend…? _Like Cas was more than afraid…he was terrified…?_

“Cas?” he tried again, unconsciously standing up and pausing uncertainly, his eyes staring emptily at the retreating figure of who Dean believed to be the bravest angel he had known. For the angel of the lord to be reduced to this recoiling being, Dean felt his whole face go numb. Shock and disbelief fought on his expression, wanting nothing but to have Cas sit down and talk to him but it doesn’t seem to be on the angel’s agenda as he moved with desperation. Away from Dean. Confusion clouded Dean Winchester’s eyes further as he swallowed hard and followed when he saw the angel shakily got to his feet after leaning on the wall for support. He called him again, wishing that Castiel would look his way, that his deep blue eyes would show recognition instead of incomprehensible terror.

_He wished Cas would come back…_

“Cas!” he gasped, only a step behind when he saw his best friend collapse and caught him straight on his arms. “Cas!?”

But Castiel was lost to the world, his eyelids heavily closed and Dean saw from the direct light above them on the corridor how ashen the angel’s face looked, how his face had gotten thinner in the span of their last meeting, his trench coat much bigger for his figure, and how deep lines under his eyes had become natural to his appearance. Castiel was more than beat, he was almost dead.

Looking around desperately, Dean wasted no time as he gritted his teeth and hooked his arms under Cas’ legs and shoulders. With one heave that didn’t even register as heavy for Castiel was truly _light as a feather,_ Dean carried him back to the room and gently placed him in the middle of the bed. He fixed the pillow with Cas’ head rolling a little on his left when the angel unconsciously groaned in pain. Freezing again, Dean stared at Cas’ face, waiting for those blue eyes to find him but the angel did not wake up. But if possible, the angel’s face paled more. Dean’s frown deepened in concern and gave his friend a once over. Right then, something struck him as he glanced at his own left shoulder. Eyes flickering in understanding, he quickly but gently pushed the lapel of Cas’ left trench coat, revealing a dirty black suit and white buttoned shirt. He rummaged through while biting his lower lip, remembering their last encounter in the graveyard that had gone downhill and for the worst. One of those memories Dean would forever regret and wished had never happened. He was afraid of what he would find, and when he did, he couldn’t help the horrified gasp that left his lips. What met Dean’s eyes when he was able to free the angel’s left shoulder from all the clothing was enough to make him curse and bow his head in anger. _No, it was enough for him to kill himself_ for on Castiel’s white, boney limb where a shoulder was supposed to be was nothing but a mass of black skin, red flesh and veins etched together like cursed roots, interwoven in angry lines and all pointing in one direction— _a dark hole on the skin that was barely dry._ Reddening tissues and bits of dead skin made the surface rough that reached just above his heart. The edges have already scarred and Dean knew, with Castiel’s healing abilities and Jack with him, he knew they had tried everything and still the wound remained. It meant it was to stay.

Dean couldn’t help slumping his weight beside Cas, his hands clutching his knees in tight balls, his insides being crushed as he realized the reason for the angel’s pain. It was him. It had always been him. He caused this and now Cas was suffering—for how long? Since that day, since they separated with him shooting the gun… Cas had nothing but pain since then. Dean shut his eyes closed and that’s when his body began to tremble. An unrecognizable sound rumbled from his stomach up to his throat, escaping his lips in breaking sounds that hitched his breathing. His reddening green eyes flew open to the pale angel and he reached for him but stopped in midair. No, he shouldn’t… he must not hurt Castiel anymore. Dean gritted his teeth, withdrawing his hands back with his right palm wiping the tears welling on his eyes. With intensity building on his shoulders, the hunter stood up and swayed dangerously to his right. Fists clutched, Dean saw the wall from the corner of his eyes and went straight for it. With a bone breaking thump, he crushed his right fist on the wall, unmindful of the damage it caused his own knuckles and continued beating it till he thought his arm would fall off his shoulder. He yelled in anger, called angels from heaven to come down and fix Cas. Yelled for Jack to appear. He called all he could muster, damn he even begged Chuck again but no one came. After a few minutes, Dean stopped thumping his forehead on the wall in regular intervals and slid down the floor, green eyes on the bed.

_Castiel remained dead to the world._

Dean couldn’t swallow properly, the breaking sound in the room was unrecognizable but Dean cried in silent agony and sent prayers upon prayers to Castiel, like what he had been doing for the past months and wished it would reach the angel. Then he bowed his head threw both arms above his head in self-loathing.

This, like many other bad things that had happened to Cas ever since saving him from hell, was all his fault.

Minutes passed, then Dean raised his head again, his face expressionless this time but his eyes remained fresh from tears. He looked over at Cas’ unconscious form again, before standing up and heading for the door. He was hesitant to leave the door at first, but one glance at the angel assured him Cas was not waking up soon. Taking this on his advantaged, he quickly headed down to his car, opened the hood and grabbed his duffle bag where extra clothing was always prepared by Sam. Remembering Sam, Dean threw the bag over his good shoulder and rummaged his pocket for his phone. He dialed his brother as his heavy boots crossed the hallway to the kitchen where he grabbed a basin and a jug of water with one hand and found himself back in Cas’ room soon with Sam’s phone still ringing. His eyes quickly fell on the angel who was still out cold by the bed.

_“Dean?”_

“Sammy,” Dean cleared his throat the moment his brother picked up, not wanting to reveal how broken he was feeling right now. But then again, Sam always knows.

 _“You alright, man?”_ concerned laced his voice.

“I found Cas.” Dean said urgently, putting his bag down the floor and the basin and jug by the side table, standing near Castiel’s bed where the hunter kept his eyes on him. There was a rattling sound of slamming palms on the table on the other line.

_“Really? Where?”_

“At the old cabin, uh… Washington... Kelly’s cabin. I need you here now, Sam.” there was a pleading note at the edge of his voice that Sam didn’t miss.

_“Alright, I’m on my way. But how’s Cas? Where’s Jack. What’s happening?”_

“I don’t know about Jack but…” Dean could hear him walk around the Bunker as he exhaled. Running a hand on his hair, Dean swallowed with difficulty, his Adam’s apple threatening to pierce the skin of his throat, “It’s bad Sammy. Just come up here, okay?”

_“Yeah, yeah, wait for me, Dean.”_

Sam hung up and Dean had to press his free hand on his face again as he stood there, watching Cas’ chest rise and fall. Quietly, he rounded on the bag and took a clean towel he dumped on the basin and clean clothing. He then bent over Cas and began removing the dirty trench coat and other layers covering the angel. He was especially careful with Castiel’s injured shoulder, only soliciting a soft moan when his shirt caught on a thread, but other than that, everything else went smoothly off his body. Thus, was when the man paused. He saw the darkened scar on Cas’ left shoulder darker than before in comparison to the angel’s white body. This made him shake his head in silent anger and bent down to plant a kiss on the angel’s forehead, wanting to assure him he was safe now. The act had Dean suddenly straightening. Under no circumstances has he ever placed a kiss on top of anyone’s head unless they were someone he truly… the hunter looked down his hands, and then turned to the basin of water where he wrinkled the towel dry.

 _Yeah, Cas was more than important._ He figured that out during the course of his search. There was no way he was leaving here without Cas.

Quietly, Dean began cleaning his angel’s body with jaw clenched at how cold Cas’ body was. He stopped with the towel and took another dry one. Cas was still unresponsive by the time Dean had successfully changed his clothes. Right then, he tucked the angel under the clean blanket and stared at him again from the foot of the bed. It didn’t look like his best friend had thought of looking after himself all these times which was typical of Cas. It wasn’t the first time that Dean had acknowledge the angel’s selflessness, but just about now he wished Cas would stop and look after himself.

_But Cas didn’t need looking after if only he didn’t pull that trigger…_

Dean took a step back. Then another. He kept stepping back till his back hit the wall and Cas was on a safe distance from him even though his body was aching to be near him. And it was in that position where he waited for the angel to wake up half an hour later. He watched quietly as the dark head moved a little, then saw Cas’ eyes flutter open. Dean wanted to be there beside him, to meet the blue eyes he missed but the angel’s panic reaction earlier kept him from making any sudden movements. Castiel stared at the ceiling openly and unmoving for sometime that Dean began to feel unsettled when the angel slowly arched his body to the side until he managed to pull himself into a sitting position. Dean saw Cas’ eyes swim in pain, his brows contorted and saw the crinkle of his eyes stayed in a grimace as he licked his dry lips. Castiel glanced around, seemingly unable to detect him and this worried Dean for Cas was an angel—him unable to feel another soul’s presence only meant his grace was so low and weak. Which made the hunter think of its connection to Cas’ injury. Another knot of guilt formed in his stomach but he kept his eyes to his friend. Cas was now looking curiously at the window and that’s when his whole body began to tremble. That was also when Dean realized that Cas was now only remembering what happened to them and he pushed his back from the wall, watching Cas try to fling his fingers on his arms as if trying to pull something invisible. Fear struck the angel at realizing something as he looked down his clothes. With agility the hunter was not expecting from the weakened angel, Castiel suddenly swung his legs on the side of the bed and then froze again.

Then slowly, ever slowly, the angel’s head turned in Dean’s direction and the blue eyes that stared at him was not of a friend who loved him fully for who he was, but blue eyes full of trepidation. As if Castiel was looking directly at _Death_ in the eye—no—far worse. As if Castiel was looking at someone who was never going to give him the hope of peace, not even on the other side. Dean saw him pale even more and this above anything else, drove the hunter to step forward, away from the shadow with jaw squared because then—why was Cas looking at him like he was a murderer!?

“Cas,” he began, stepping into the light and saw the angel tensed and stood up. This made Dean grit his teeth. He had to make Cas realize he was not an enemy. “Cas, it’s me. Don’t you remember me? _It’s Dean Winchester!”_

Castiel stared at the man with eyes as round as the moon filled with undiluted fear. His eyes were still glazed over and Dean doubted the angel should be standing when he looked like he could collapse any moment. But give it to Castiel to be stubborn in the midst of crisis. Dean saw his blue eyes dart from him in concentration, then to the window, and then to the door. By instinct, Dean crossed the doorway with his right hand pulling the door close. How wrong the move had been as the moment the door shut close, Cas’ panic button was turned on and he stepped backwards in one jolt, his back hitting the wall with a very loud thud. Dean groaned for him as the angel shut his eyes in pain, nearly crouching over but Dean’s shadow stepping closer alerted him to stay still.

Dean couldn’t handle it anymore, seeing Cas shrink back on the wall like a trapped, wounded animal so he stopped drawing closer and raised both hands in the air in surrender. He also noted how the overpowering shiver had began to shake the angel’s unstable legs.

“Cas,” he said calmly, waving his hand to get the distracted attention of the angel, “Cas, I’m not gonna hurt you…”

Castiel’s head suddenly snapped in rapt attention and his eyes squinted in confusion. For the first time, Dean thought he saw his best friend’s determined blue eyes stare at him under his hooded glance.

“ _Why_?” Cas drawled in his heavy voice.

Dean looked like he had been stabbed in the chest.

“Why?” the hunter stared at the angel, _Why what…? Why would Cas question his sincerity of not hurting him…?_

A beat. Then Dean’s eyes widened in horror as he remembered: the graveyard, the gun, the injury. _Oh fuck._ “Cas… Cas— you don’t really think—?” he gasped and slammed a hand on his mouth, “Cas, I didn’t— _I don’t want to hurt you._ ”

Distrust reflected on the blue eyes and Dean was left staring at him in aghast.

“Cas!” he wanted to step closer, wanted to shake the angel, to embrace him and make him feel he was safe but the moment he took a step forward, the determination in the angel’s eyes died out, leaving only traces of pain and terror. Trapped with a wall behind him and the hunter ready to pounce, Castiel began shuddering. Dean watched as the angel tried to shrink further to the remaining space as if this could barricade him from danger. “Cas, I won’t hurt you, I promise…”

But Castiel shook his head as he bit his lip weakly. “Don’t lie.”

“I’m not! I’m here to help you, Cas!”

 _“Lies…”_ Cas’ breathing quickened as he shook his head, his head lowering that had Dean staring weakly.

“What happened to you Cas…” his voice faltered in defeat, “What’s wrong, buddy… tell me… what happened to you?”

Castiel’s eyes raised up and the blue pierced through the hunter’s soul. _“You.”_

Dean opened his mouth but no words came out. Castiel’s eyes were clouded with his fevered actions, but behind that Dean was sure that Cas meant what he said and this brought a hollowed feeling at the pit of his stomach. He and Cas, they had their ups and downs and disagreements but never to a point that Castiel would show him much dislike. Not when he decided to abandon them to say yes to Michael… that was pure anger back there. But Castiel had always forgiven him and returned to him. Their recent dispute was about the Nephilim whom Dean had decided to hunt down and kill. There was no stopping Dean then, but circumstances have changed now. One would be surprised of how a single bullet piercing the flesh of his angel, at the same time piercing him can change one’s perspective.

The memory shook Dean. It would never stop rattling him.

But Jack was never Dean’s priority now which was saying something as the hunter looked from the bed to Cas and swallowed hard again, his eyes losing that angry glint that appeared after realizing the depth of pain he had caused his best friend.

“Alright buddy… just… just go back to the bed. You need to rest.”

Castiel made no move to follow, his eyes now intent on the ground for something Dean couldn’t see. He wondered if Cas was getting dizzy and attempted another step forward. Luckily, Cas didn’t seem to notice him which made Dean decide to distract the angel. And then what? Force him on the bed? Like hell Dean would do anything to make Cas hate him more because it was obvious now, Castiel couldn’t wait to get as far away from him. Something was messing with Cas’ head, that much Dean can understand. But for Cas to believe he was really out there to hurt him? Where the hell did Cas get that? Was it Jack? It wasn’t the first time Jack messed with his friend’s head. The thought ignited anger in Dean again but then between Castiel and the half-angel, Dean was sure Jack was instrumental for Castiel being alive right now.

A thought occurred to him as his eyes took in the angel’s frail body.

“Where’s Jack?”

The moment the boy’s name left Dean’s lips, Castiel’s body stopped trembling. Dean watched as the angel tilted his chin up, his blue eyes clear and something about how his crouched body suddenly straightened made the hunter want to take a step back.

“W-why…?” the angel breathed with eyes narrowing. Dean couldn’t help feeling defensive because Cas was the one dying and where the hell was Jack?!

“Look, Cas if that boy can help you then dammit, we need him!”

At the farthest corner of the angel’s brain, the same voice of Dean Winchester was saying, _“…I never wanted to put him in that damn box, I wanted him dead.”_

Castiel gritted his teeth and Dean saw him heave a sigh.

_“I… won’t let you near him…”_

Without warning, Cas’ blue eyes glowed with his grace and Dean felt his feet leave the ground as he slammed on the other side of the room with a wind that was not there. He slumped on the ground with cracking sound and had to wait awhile for his knocked-out lungs to start working again. By the time he was able to pick himself up, Castiel was no longer in the room.

 _“Shit!”_ Dean growled as he booted out of the room, running in the corridor where he heard the sound of the door slamming open. Castiel that weak had no business running around outside without his shoes and trench coat. Dean bolted up and was outside the cabin’s back door in no less than a second to see Castiel striding toward the trees where beyond was the lake. Cas didn’t seem aware of where he was going with his direction swaying left and right. Dean was right behind him.

_“CAS!”_

“Jack…” Castiel was panting as he looked around, feeling his grace leave his body as he took each step. But he had to find Jack. Where was Jack? Did something happen to him? He had to warn him that the Winchesters are around. For a split second, fear gripped the angel. What if Sam found him first? But Sam… Sam never wanted Jack dead, if anything it was only Dean.

And Dean Winchester was behind him now.

Castiel had never felt how heavy his legs had been except now when he was thinking that the hunter was upon him. He was only able to summon enough strength to escape, but anymore would render him incapable for at least a few hours. He had to find Jack, he had to keep running from the hunter. At least, if he can survive the night, at least if he can make sure Jack was okay… if his body would stop aching on his every step… if he can only sleep again and gain the needed strength…   _if only Dean didn’t want to kill him then his body would stop shivering at the sound of the hunter’s footsteps behind him._

Castiel’s body recoiled at the first touch of Dean Winchester on his good shoulder, gripping him tight and pulling him into a halt. Electrocuted would not be the angel’s description of their contact. It was immense fire, melting through him and piercing his agitated heart. In his uncontrolled panic, Castiel used an amount of his grace he knew would be the limits of being able to stay conscious but he didn’t care anymore. Between dying of losing grace and dying on Dean’s hands’ he would choose the former. Keeping a good half of his energy on his right palm, Cas shoved the hunter and slammed a glowing palm on his chest. Dean was thrown side wards on to a tree trunk with a very loud thud. The hunter groaned in pain but Castiel was already on his way, praying silently for Jack to appear.

It had crossed his mind that maybe the boy had gone on the alternate world without him, that was why he checked the backyard when he was able to, hoping that the rift was there, easily accessible for him to jump and successfully leave Dean Winchester behind. Imagine his disappointment when he didn’t see the rift. And then Dean was still right behind him, the angel was full of despair. His despair then turned into absolute dread when out of the corner of his eyes, he watched the hunter half jump and run in front of him, managing to block his way.

 Castiel knew his heart was weary enough to have a cardiac arrest with the way Dean was looking at him. Of a hunter who has found his prey. The angel could only inhale and exhale with difficulty as he stood his ground with eyes narrowing at the man. And yes, the angel was acknowledging his trembling hands.

“You know I can’t let you go, Cas.” Dean was saying with his eyes full of meaning. “ _I can’t._ Even if I know it’s for your own good…I’m sorry, but I need you… Cas…” the hunter shook his head. “Just please…don’t leave...” He raised a hand towards the angel who instinctively pulled away. Dean gritted his teeth and pulled his hand back.

“Cas, I…” but there were no words to say anymore

He looked at his angel to see the blue eyes looking at him squarely, confused and doubtful. Castiel was still doubting him and it took all Dean’s will not to reach out and force him into an embrace. It felt like he was losing Cas all over again. Like the many times he had lost him. Over and over. But Castiel does always return. From his many deaths, many times to what they thought was the final one. Castiel always returns even if it meant going against the law of the universe.

This time?

This time he could not see the same Castiel looking back at him without flinching at his touch. This time he could not see the same Castiel choosing him over and over because the last they were together— he pulled the trigger that nearly killed his angel. Hell, Dean would have been living his life in hell if Sam hadn’t pointed out he used the equalizer, then Castiel dying meant Dean should be dying too, but he was alive. Thus, rekindled the hope of finding his lost and hurt angel. But at a price. Right now, Cas could barely look at him, let alone call his name.

The last part of his thoughts had Dean’s eyes water.

After everything they had been through, he had finally broken Cas. He had finally broken his angel. Dean lowered his eyes to the ground and was distracted by a sudden glowing light in front of him. Looking up, he saw Castiel’s hand was once again glowing with his grace. Dean bit his lip and shook his head. Cas was going to attack him again, but he would still stand up because he cannot fail Cas anymore.

He was the one who can’t give up.

Shutting his eyes closed as he saw the angel raise his hand, Dean was suddenly struck by a sudden warm feeling and movement of his hand. Opening his eyes in surprise, he saw that Cas had taken a step towards him and was holding his right wrist up to his eye level, inspecting his bleeding knuckles he used to assault the wall not long ago. Dean’s green eyes met the angel’s squinting blue.

“What happened to your hand?” quipped the angel in his deep, curious voice and for a whole second, Dean thought he saw his angel.

“Cas?”

The glowing light disappeared, and the angel fell unconscious with Dean catching him, his knuckles bleeding no more. Dean tried to understand what happened and when he did, his hands snaked behind the angel and held him close to his body, burying his wet nose, where his tears had been dripping, digging it deep on the crook of the angel’s neck, wondering if this proximity was going to last in the morning.

But for now, he took and gathered Cas in his arms as long as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There goes my hand shaking  
> And you are the reason  
> My heart keeps bleeding  
> I need you now


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain and happiness are two sides of the coin *cries*  
> The fun starts at long chapters, eh? Enjoy! Six chapters to be the final count O.o  
> It all goes to the lyrics of the song *hearts*

It lingered.

That exhilarating familiar scent of mahogany under the scorching afternoon sun, the wisp of petrichor on summer and faint silver metal polisher he remembers from memory. He breathed it in with ease, almost with want as it calmed the blustery beating of his pulse and erratic heart that generally envelops him seconds before waking. This was different from the routine smell of blood soaking him with painful heaving of his chest like he had run hundred miles from the hunter’s shadow in his dream. No, this feeling here was sweet and soothing, like how white clouds could felt as it sheltered him with peace in its cradle. Nothing heavy on his shoulders, just pure recognition that he was safe as his soul floated in the sensation of being in a place close to home.

It had been a long time since he felt safe, _quiet even,_ but he never doubted if he was in the Empty. No, he was very much alive. The Empty never felt peaceful to him. It only felt… _empty_ and he was everything but that. Back then, he was angry, he was determined but most of all he knew someone was calling for him to come back, like a hanging thought ever longing at the back of his mind. The scent reminded him of that longing. The scent was so close, he wondered if it was coming from _himself._ He breathed more, afraid it would disappear as he felt his consciousness drift back to the world, afraid that it was all but part of a dream. Whose scent it was, Castiel knew very well.

It was Dean.

Dean was close by. A gut-wrenching yearning made him wonder where Dean had been all this time and why it felt so long since he’d seen him. He wished to go to him now; he could practically feel his heavy body wanting to find him and Castiel just knew he will. He had never been failed by his angelic instincts to find the man— like a magnetic charge willing them to always meet, Castiel always finds him. He wanted to see him badly, wanted to stand next to him as it was the only place that felt right, where he can protect Dean even when the hunter could protect himself well enough with his daggers and guns.

Another feeling suddenly crept up from the back of the angel’s mind, causing him to frown. Something about guns…

Out of nowhere, a silver gun clicked next to his memory together with graveyards and ringing sound of a shot followed by extreme pain and before he could understand any of it, lightning clapped in the dark and Castiel found himself pushing himself painfully from the bed with eyes flying open revealing his round, overwrought blue eyes that swam in alarm, his breathing uneven and sharp. He gulped many times before he registered where he was, the grey cloud in his eyes clearing as he narrowed it in his surroundings and found he was in a room. The same room he swore he had seen in one of the nightmares that clicked in together with the gun.

Panic made him want to jump from the spot, but the scent stilled him. It was still there, but of course. _Dean was here,_ the thought tugged at the back of his mind, all the thoughts of wanting to find the man getting drowned in the flood of agonizing memory of the bullet digging in his flesh. Of the hunter wanting to kill his prey. Cas gripped the bedsheet and looked around, expecting to see the hunter with his green, hunter’s eyes staring back at him from a very blurry memory, only to find the space empty.

Castiel looked left and right, hairs standing on all ends on what he may find concealed in the shadows of the room. The corners were empty and the closed window showed hue of the morning sun about to rise. Cas half expected Dean to jump out of nowhere, but no. He was really alone.

Blinking when a wave of dizziness struck him, he looked down himself and found he was in the middle of the bed covered in sheets that fell on his waist. He saw the same clean shirt on him that he was now certain belonged to Dean. It didn’t make any sense. His eyes then fell on the chair next to his bed and found his trench coat neatly folded there. The angel made a quick, clumsy movement to jump and take it, his palms landing on the seat only to realize that it was still warm. Somebody had been watching over him. Confusion hitting his head, he slowly reached for the trench coat only to feel a yellow, thin piece of paper had been posted on it like a reminder. The angel squinted in the dark and saw the familiar writing:

_Feathery ass angel. Please stay._

Castiel took his coat with legs sliding down the floor, eyes lingering on the note. He was at lost as to what was going on. Dean was around, yet he Castiel was still alive. Dean was around and apparently… had been taking care of him instead? The angel stood rooted on the spot, distracted once more by how close Dean’s scent was around him and wondered why he was feeling warm inside. Something does not add up. He gritted his teeth at the pinching ache on his shoulder, but managed to ignore it as he slipped on his trench coat. Castiel began fumbling on his pocket when he spotted his tie at the foot of the bed. Walking slowly towards it, the angel cautiously picked it up, his senses alert to any attack and managing to assure himself that he had enough grace for one fight. But what if there were two of them? But why was he left alone and alive in the first place? Has Sam and Dean decided not to finish him after all?

_Do they want to use him to find Jack?_

_They would have tied you though,_ said a more sensible side of him. Head still swimming at his predicament, though honestly some of his instincts was still trying to goad him to make a run for it, Castiel pocketed his tie and grimly stared at the room. He knew he had to get out of here, so why was he staying?

Muffled voices from somewhere suddenly caught the angel’s attention from the doorway. He tensed as he recognized Dean’s deep voice, and then Sam’s. The angel froze and looked back at the window with all his sense telling him to flee. It was no use; it was already part of his system. He should really be running, but Castiel made second thoughts as his foot initially began turning to the window as something occurred to him.

Dean wanted him to stay.

The angel’s head turned towards the door. Quietly, he sauntered towards the corridor, his heart thumping on his chest with his blue eyes fixing the stairs a look of apprehension and uncertainty. He blamed it on his weak grace that he couldn’t hear everything from the room, but the moment he stood at the top of the stairs, the voices of the brothers floated clear like they were standing in front of him. Castiel could feel his keen senses alerting him keep away from Dean Winchester, but he stubbornly shrugged his fears away, taking a risk especially when he heard the two arguing from below.

 _“Dean, this isn’t gonna work.”_ Sam’s voice was full of exasperation.

“ _No, I’m going. You take care of him_.” Dean’s growl and decided tone was not inviting any argument. “I’m gonna get the hell out of here, Sammy, before he wakes up. Damnit, I don’t even know what I’d do if I see him run away from me like that again, you shouldave seen him.” A hollowed laugh was attempted that only turned out more miserable than intended filled the air, followed by the sound of the hunter scratching his hair. Castiel could imagine Dean pacing around the room which made him frown. He could feel the hunter’s discomfort and intensity from where he was standing which made him want to see _real closely_ what Dean was doing to himself. And why?

Sam’s voice was equally strong and demanding. “What? _Dude, you’re honestly going to bail on him now?_ After what you just told me—it’s obvious he needs you, man—”

“No. No— he doesn’t need to be reminded every fucking single moment how he’s afraid of me and why!” Dean hissed angrily. “He doesn’t need it, and I don’t— _fuck!”_ there was a loud sound of slamming fist on solid door. Silence filled the room but intense atmosphere was louder than any sound could produce. Then Dean was breathing on his palm, trying to control as much emotion as he could and failing.

Ten huffing seconds later, and Sam quietly spoke again.

“Dean—this is exactly why you have to stay. You can’t expect Cas to know. You—you have to be the one to explain to him about everything that happened! About how you never wanted to shoot him! About you never wanted to hurt Jack anymore—you can’t leave him doubting you, not when he’s already like that! Dean, you owe him that!”

_“And if he gets worse?”_

“I think you’re underestimating him, Dean. This is Cas. He cares for you.”

“Not when I’m the one who put a bullet on his body, he shouldn’t.” aggressiveness filled the roller coaster anger on the hunter’s voice, “Y’know what? I should just ask him to put a bullet in my head to get it over with.”

 _“Dean!”_ there was a sound of hands thumping on shoulder as the two get physical, “This is not helping Cas at all!”

“You can explain everything to him, Sammy,” Dean’s voice was now low, urgent, pleading to escape, as if he’d do anything to get himself out of there right now and then, “You can tell him everything was a mistake, that I didn’t really— that I… hell I didn’t want to hurt him, Sam. But he doesn’t need to see me. I’m the last person Cas wants to see right now—” there was a sound of keys rattling in the air.

“But Dean—”

 _“I shot him, Sam!”_ anger course through Dean’s yelling voice again, _“Even I wouldn’t be found dead with myself around!”_

Dean’s hands were already on the door knob when Castiel stepped down the foot of the stairs, essentially pulling Sam’s attention to him.

“Cas…”

Dean froze. Castiel pulled his eyes from Dean’s figure to acknowledge Sam, but he found himself orbiting back to Dean who remained standing by the door with his back on him, his shoulders rigid with fists tightly closed. Castiel gritted his teeth and shut down everything in his senses that was trying to make him run away from where he stood. There was no way he was fleeing after hearing this distressing call. He had rested well; it was clear with the amount of grace that could make him control his flight mode. And he wanted to stay, that was enough reason. Dean needs to see him; he could feel the man’s soul practically crying for him. That was enough reason.

Safe or not, he didn’t care. There was so much reason to stay.

_“Hello, Dean.”_

He tried to make it as casual as possible, make it sound as common as breathing like he had always done. Deep within him, he was struggling with something internal what with the shadow of his past, but he buried it like the many mistakes he did in the past. He didn’t say another word and didn’t pull his eyes away until he saw the hunter slowly turn to face him. He tried all his might not to appear ready to jump once Dean’s eyes were upon him. For a second the angel was afraid that he’d find his Nightmare Dean there. Afraid this was going to be one of his worst nightmares, but all his doubts were washed away once he and Dean locked eyes.

_And it was in one word, profound._

Castiel stares at Dean Winchester and found those familiar features of anger, self-loathing and regret filling his ever-expressive green eyes; like the broken soul he had found once before in hell. The soul that was broken even before it tasted perdition. The one soul that glinted in the dark, calling to him as it did now and it grounded Castiel in this reality, it cleared his eyes further to what was the truth. His heart hammered with this realization as he stared at the man’s soul much different than the shadow in his nightmares full of violence and hatred. This soul here was much familiar, much _substantial_ for behind his stiff exterior was a crumbling man burning from his own unimaginable pain intensified by his guilt and covered by anger.

_Ah, yes. There he is. His Dean Winchester._

And no, Castiel doesn’t think he can keep his eyes away from him again.

Sam stared from the angel to his brother then decided to break the silence. Taking initiative like how he had always done from the past, Sam cleared his throat and turned to the angel who was still not looking at him. Dean had just looked sideways, now avoiding Cas’ eyes. This made the angel tilt his head for a moment at the sudden lost contact.

“Cas,” Sam was saying and unexpectedly cautious like talking to a wild deer, “How are you feeling? Okay?”

Castiel contemplated for a moment, eyes drifting back to Dean who never looked up, before glancing back at Sam with almost a sigh as he was able to be himself in this familiar ground.

“In a word,” Cas found his gruff voice, “ _Shitty.”_

Sam broke into a smile, and then without warning, stepped into the angel’s space and embraced him gently.

“I’m sorry for everything… I’m really glad you’re back.”

Cas was more surprised by his ability to keep a firm hold of himself when he thought he’d panic in Sam’s arms but he didn’t. A swirl of hope loosened the tight knot in his stomach he didn’t know was there. A sigh silently escaped him as he tentatively raised his hand and patted the broad shoulder of the younger Winchester. It occurred to him that Sam really bore no threat to him, not even in his dreams. This was really Sam and when he felt the tall man’s warmth, Cas broke into a small smile with eyes watering. Yes, this is Sam Winchester.

From the corner of his eyes, Cas saw Dean moved. Flickering his eyes upward, he saw Dean’s expression and Castiel slowly lowered his arms to his side as he felt Sam let go of him and pat him on the arm. Sam then turned to his brother, then back at the angel, his expression turning from concern to serious.

“We need to talk.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Cas is seated on the couch with his trench coat tucked close to him, the idea of being around Sam and Dean still not fully convincing him to relax. He had thought a day like this would never come, of him being on casual terms with the brothers after everything, not to mention the horrendous memories still playing at the back of his mind regarding the hunters, but thanking the ample sleep he had before all of this, Castiel was more than ready to engage the two as long as they don’t suddenly pull out angel blades or guns with angel bullets. He had always thought that two would do so when trying to hunt him and Jack. He wasn’t certain they haven’t, but Sam’s sincerity had won him over and Dean’s strange behavior had caught his attention.

Because by the next minute he looked at him, Castiel confirmed something he could not, for the life of him, understand: _Dean was afraid of him_. It all was apparent by how the man had avoided his eyes after that curious glance he received over Sam’s shoulder, but Dean had never looked his way again. He was now sitting on the arm of a chair across the room with his back hunched, his arms resting on his legs and eyes faraway while Sam was only adjacent to the angel’s chair. Cas had been throwing curious looks at Dean, aware of his avoidance and knowing it would have to be dealt with later. Hearing everything the man said just now as he went down the stairs made Cas realize it was between them and when it was something personal, he knew simply forgiving the man would only make him turn away. Because Dean, for all that he was good, was damaging to himself more than anyone. While Castiel was more than willing to forgive, Dean will always be adamant about things he thinks he does not deserve. But just as Sam has said, he was Castiel. Dean should really put more faith in him.

Sam was also giving his brother reproachful looks and numerous clear of throats. Finally realizing that Dean was not planning to start anything. Sam was left on his own devices as he turned to the angel.

“Cas, you sure you’re up for this? Dean told me how weak you’ve been and honestly? The word _shit_ doesn’t cover how awful you look right now.”

“I’ve looked worse.” Cas said drily with the Leviathans in mind and hoping it would ease the Winchesters into thinking of what his vessel could actually manage. Didn’t it singlehandedly take on Lucifer while being tortured by Amara? But his answer only made Dean wince from the corner of his eyes. Castiel gave him a look but the hunter was determinedly looking at his knuckles. Sam blinked at him, then to Castiel with eyebrows contorted apologetically.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen, Cas. The gun and Dean— I mean, Dean’s barely recovered with the invisible wound—but you, you actually got shot—we were very worried.”

Whatever Sam was saying was forgotten in Castiel’s ears who immediately cocked a surprised eyebrow in Dean’s direction. How could he forget? Whoever raised the equalizer will receive the same fate as its target. He gave the man one look, especially towards his shoulder but Dean, again, never looked up.

“Jack helped me.” Castiel answered when he found Sam was waiting for his reply. “Mostly. The pain was excruciating and had it hit any lower level angel, I’m sure they wouldn’t have survived. Jack’s grace helped me recover. It was all thanks to him that I am here right now.” He didn’t know how to put importance to the Winchesters how Jack had saved his life and that Jack was still a good kid. He gave Sam a meaningful look and found the younger Winchester nodding at him in understanding.

“We don’t want to hurt Jack, Cas…not after you were hurt.” Sam stole a glance at his brother, then continued, “Everything happened too quickly and Chuck wouldn’t listen and even Dean was caught in the moment—”

“You don’t need to explain for me, Sam.” Came Dean’s terse voice from the corner and both Sam and Castiel looked in his direction. The hunter was still staring fixedly on his hands but there was a deep frown on his face when he looked up, masking all his expressions with the furrowing of his eyebrows, eyes glinting in resentment. “I shot him clear. There’s no explanation needed for that. It’s what happened.”

“Yeah, but you were aiming for Jack.” Sam insisted, his own voice sounding vexed. “Not _Cas_ , Dean.”

“Same thing.” Dean’s voice was awfully quiet and it was at this point that his green eyes fell on Cas. The angel studied Dean’s stony expression and saw enough to be concerned when the man pulled his head down again. Castiel couldn’t help but continue looking at him as he recognized those signs but even if he wanted to approach Dean, he couldn’t. Dean wouldn’t let him, he knew that. Sam shook his head slightly in disapproval before giving Cas a meaningful look.

“Well, he was also hurt and it was hell… but it must’ve been worse for you. We figured you had to be alive when Dean recovered after a month and wanted to find you immediately. But you were just nowhere. We’re so sorry Cas. It wasn’t how things were supposed to have ended… but here we are. And I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to stop it.”

“Don’t be, it was out of your control.” Castiel assured him, tone grateful this was how their conversation was going and not the twisted plot most of his nightmares offered, “I did what I had to and you did what you believed to be right. Some things just happen in its own accord and we’re left to see with its result… and deal with it for better or worse. The worse has been over for me, I think. And I think that’s what you guys should do too.” He found Sam staring at him with lips pressed tight and could almost read guilt in him too. “You don’t need to apologize anymore, I understand.”

He shot a look at Dean, hoping against all hope that the man would take what he was saying because this was mostly addressed to him. The angel did not expect to see Dean to be burning holes on his shoes with his too intent eyes, like one tip on his tense shoulders and he would explode. Bewildered and feeling a little taken a back, he realized Dean never believed a word he was saying. He opened his mouth to call him but Sam put a gentle hand on his shoulders and shook his head. Cas stared at him openly, before the much communicative Winchester heaved a sigh and put both hands together again.

“We’re still at fault, Cas, and I wouldn’t blame you if you have any reservations about us. We will get that. And I know what you went through was not easy, but I’m only just glad to see you again. Cas, we were never going to hurt you. _Never._ I want you to remember that.”

Castiel nodded but remembered one thing. “And Jack?”

“Not anymore.” Sam nodded with eyes showing pure concern. “We were all just caught up by everything, but now everything’s clear. I know I failed Jack too and I want to apologize to him, but Dean tells me he found you alone here. So what happened to Jack?”

Castiel shook his head. “He’s no longer in this world.”

Sam gasped audibly, even Dean shot a look in their direction while Cas chose his next words to explain.

“At least, I don’t think he is. I have been trying to call for him and he usually responds instantly, but after many tries… it makes me believe he has gone to an alternate universe on his own.”

“You mean the rift?” Sam said in disbelief, exchanging glances with Dean who frowned at the angel, “Why would he do that?”

“It was initially our plan to go together, but I don’t know what prompted him to leave me behind in the first place.” Cas sighed and looked down the floor. “It must be because he saw how incapable of travel I was, so he decided to make the trip without me. Jack is smart; you have to understand but he is still a kid.” When Castiel looked up, he found two pairs of eyes looking at him both questioningly.

“Wait a second,” Sam broke the silence since Dean didn’t seem likely to talk to him at all, “you _wanted_ to go to the alternate universe?”

“It was our only chance for survival.” Cas went on patiently, eyes turning from one brother to another, “We thought you guys were hunting us, and we aren’t exactly wrong. We determined in order for us to live peacefully is to find a universe without…” Cas found himself stopping in the middle of his sentence. He didn’t know why but he found himself unable to continue, and unable to face Dean whom he was sure was now looking at him fixedly. He could feel his face burning and realize how stupid the plan had been. Silence fell in the room. He looked up at Sam and saw that he has this very solemn look. Castiel wanted to catch Dean’s eyes but the hunter had long stopped looking in his direction.

“What?” he asked Sam when the Winchester continued ogling at him in awe.

“No, just the thought you’d even consider…” Sam hesitated with an uncertain glance in Dean’s direction, then to Cas again, “You must have thought badly of us if you’re preferring an alternate universe…”

Castiel pressed his lips closed. It felt like his torture had been too long ago and it all because of that scent that awoke him differently from his usual alarm clocks of Nightmare Dean. “I just wanted Jack to feel safe…”

_And make myself feel safe too._

He looked at Dean and had to grit his teeth because Dean finally was looking at him. But it was nowhere near Sam’s expression. Dean’s expression was dark, brooding and… Cas couldn’t figure out his mixed expression, but he could feel the man was not happy about something. Like Dean was able to hear his unsaid words. He wanted to ask without saying, he wanted to ask Dean why he kept hurting but as easy as the thoughts came, they all vanished with one sigh of surrender from the hunter. Then Dean was looking at him.

“Are we going to wait for him to return?” Dean spoke to him bluntly and Cas felt a prickle of distress shoot up his spine but he dismissed it as instinct over Dean Winchester finally talking to him. Instead, he gave Dean a very careful look.

“’We’?” he intoned curiously. Dean’s frown grew.

“Yes, ‘we’. Cause if we’re not going to wait for him then we—” Dean pointed at himself, Sam and then Cas, then back to himself, “We’re going home. Unless you want to hang around till Christmas, we can shut down the Bunker and decorate this place for Roman Saturnalia. Top floor’s mine, whaddyou say?”

Dean’s voice was calm now, normal and Cas stared at him for a full minute, unable to keep his eyes away. How very real this Dean Winchester was compared to his nightmare of the hunter only after murder. And how truly familiar. Why he thought Dean would actually want to kill him evaded him, but this Dean here telling him they were going home, Castiel never thought he’d hear of it again. _Home._ After months of running away with Jack, thinking Dean had forsaken him, what had happened in the world for this heaven to come true? The thoughts made Castiel openly stare at him too.  

“That is unnecessary.” The angel replied shortly, watching the man push himself from where he was seated, “Jack will know where I am when he returns. We do not know when it will be. I’d rather be… _home.”_ He watched Dean with a newly found vigor to live, finally realizing how the man could kill and revive him at the same time with few single words.

Dean nodded and with a glance at Sam with what looked like relief as he played with his keys and pointed at his brother.

“Yeah, well, you go ride in Sam’s car. That’ll be safer.”

“What safer?” Cas inquired with a squint of his eyes.

Dean paused and exchanged a look with Sam. Cas stayed his eyes at the hunter, drinking his expressions in order to erase the phantom of Nightmare Dean that had poisoned him in believing Dean would even harm him. Dean could barely look at him now, let alone grasp any part of him to console or welcome him back like many other reunions they’ve had in the past. Cas missed those profound returns he had when meeting Dean after thinking they were lost—all their embraces and assurances that the other was safe. Dean didn’t even attempt getting closer for an anticipated hug, in fact the man looked ready to run and this upset the angel more than he let on. He watched as Dean blink at him, then looked dismissively to his question. In the next second, the man had his eyebrows flying up and Castiel watched him pressed his lips grimly.

“Just… believe me, you don’t want to sit next to me.” Dean said lamely.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Cas said, standing up and feeling his body swayed a little to the left with the sudden force he used to get on his feet. Sam’s hand was on his arm to steady him.

“You okay?”

Castiel nodded, and then turned to Dean only to find him already opening the door and disappearing while Sam stood up quietly beside the angel. Cas glanced at him but Sam only shrugged. But Cas felt a pang of lost as he stared at the door and hearing Dean walking away. It wasn’t the first time, but it does always worry him. He knew Jack’s absence was of a concern, but he couldn’t help feeling the need to return to the Bunker at the moment for someone else seemed to be in much need to be looked after. He turns his back on another charge for a moment and this happens…? The angel instinct on him wanted to kick him so bad.

“My social skills have improved, Sam.” Castiel said quietly as he followed the tall Winchester brother out of the cabin into the blue shadow of dawn, his eyes easily finding Dean who was already sliding in the driver’s seat of the impala and shutting the door close after him. “Yet it’s still difficult to get Dean to just speak to me honestly.”

“You and I falling in line,” Sam tugged a sad smile on one corner of his lip, heading out to his own car while Cas remained standing on the spot, watching the impala reverse to the road, and then was gone in one hurtle of its engine. “But on the plus side, he likes you even when you sucked at social skills.”

“So… it doesn’t matter where I stand on ability?” Cas threw a look over Sam who remained standing by his car’s door, arms on his sides and eyes following where Cas watched the impala disappear, “He will just keep… _rolling away?_ ”

“That’s Dean but he always gets his act together in the end.” Sam slid inside the car and waited for the angel to do the same. Cas did and sighed with eyes falling on his lap as Sam turned the engine. Cas couldn’t help looking at the rearview mirror as if expecting the impala to return. Sam noticed him and sighed too. “Look, this is not your fault, Cas, okay? You know Dean. He just needs time.”

“Ergo, the problem.”

“What’s that?” Sam drove the car on the paved road without looking at the angel who sighed to himself.

“Nothing.” Cas determinedly looked at the windshield to the road ahead, wanting nothing but to spot the impala where at least he could watch over Dean even from afar. His wings had made it so much easier before… he never felt the urge to have his wings back this urgent. He clenched his fists.

“You okay?” Sam called to him as they hit the wide road with plains all around them, the sun rising up from their left.

“No.” Castiel murmured, eyes tangling back and forth on the mirrors of the car. “It’s been fifteen minutes and I don’t see Dean.  This is the way back to the states, is it not?”

“Yeah, of course, man.” Sam looked slightly amused and concerned at the same time, “He probably hit the gas and sped up. Dean’s got a lot on his mind right now, Cas.”

“Yeah, I heard.” The angel glanced on the window to his right with a grim look. “He does always make it look like everything is his fault. I jumped in front of Jack, like any other sane father would do to protect their child. It wasn’t his fault alone.” Cas was speaking of the truth. It was all coming much clearer in his memory now, of how Dean had raised the gun and he Cas was just there on the right time to cover Jack. He didn’t know how important this information was till he said it out loud then. It felt like a chip on his shoulder was removed now that he remembered. He supposed, his mind was truly damaged because of what he had been through, but everything was slowly clearing up in his head, being able to connect with Sam and Dean once again.

Sam slowly nodded beside him, but there remained a grave look in his face. “Remember Dean’s answer when I told him he tried to shoot Jack and not you? It’s the same answer you’ll get when you tell him that.”

 _“Same thing.”_ Castiel said through clenched teeth as he stared back at the window, Sam repeating after him.

“Same thing.”

* * *

They reach the Bunker after a solid 24 hours, Cas already exhausted by the time he found himself stepping on the familiar metal stairs of the Men of Letters Bunker onto the War Room. But then apparently, he wasn’t too tired to look around for Dean. He hadn’t miss looking for the impala parked outside and thought the hunter must’ve parked on the underground. Whatever hope that he might finally find Dean there disappeared when he clumsily stepped onto the kitchen and found it empty. He had hoped Dean would be preparing anything for their return—or maybe they missed Dean on the way. Did the impala break somewhere?

He turned a full questioning look at Sam who was just behind him, also looking around. But he was none the wiser as he grabbed his phone and dialed his older brother. Cas waited for him to show any sign that Dean answered, and when he did, relief washed over the angel. It was funny how not a day ago, he was all but finding himself any where near Dean Winchester. Right now, he couldn’t imagine not seeing even a glimpse of the hunter. This brought a heavy thud in his stomach.

“Dude, where are you?” Sam said bitingly, his free hand on his waist. He listened carefully and Castiel felt vexed that his grace was at its lowest after the long travel. He slowly reached a stool by the counter of the kitchen and waited for Sam to hang up with an obvious apologetic look for his brother’s actions.

“What’s he up to now?” Cas asked quietly, both hands clasped on the table.

Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s in some bar… he said don’t wait up, he might return later tonight.” He wiggled his eyebrows in discomfort, probably aware that Cas wanted to have a private talk with Dean but there was nothing to be done. Cas quietly looked down his hands and nodded.

“So…” Sam’s voice brightened a little as he shifted his foot, “you hungry?”

* * *

Despite the older Winchester’s absence, Sam did everything he could to make Cas comfortable back in the Bunker. After a much-needed replenishment, Cas was tasked to clean himself and change into an appropriate attire and not lounge about in Dean’s sleeping shirt. Castiel had no qualms wearing the shirt at all, but seeing Sam’s raised eyebrow, he forced himself to wash and grab another clean shirt—which Sam made sure was also of Dean’s. Cas was used to wearing button ups and trench coats but seeing this was available, there was no reason not to use it at all. Sam’s shirts were almost always above his knees after all.

The placed hadn’t changed one bit in those three months and Cas’ room had been barely touched at all. The blankets were replaced at once while Cas was told by the much mother-hen Sam to rest in the _Dean Cave_ while he settled the dust in the angel’s room. He accepted no protest from the angel who wandered to the kitchen first, instinctively looking for Dean, before reminding himself that Dean was not around for the day. Dismayed, he walked down the corridor and stopped in front of the missing hunter’s room.

He opened it and took in everything. Including Dean’s scent. Castiel ran his eyes to Dean’s tinkers and tokens from the guns on the wall, photos of his mother and his eyes stayed with Mary. Castiel never realized how he missed her till he did. How he missed the Winchesters.

How he was missing Dean.

Sam found him in the library half an hour later, flipping through Men of Letter’s books and archives about certain guns and bullets but found nothing of the sort regarding the specific type he was looking. Of course. The gun was specially made by God. The Men of Letter’s lore on cosmic and angelic information were all but limited because then Sam and Dean should have been keeping the update. He knew Sam was behind him the instant the younger Winchester came in.

What Cas wasn’t expecting was Sam suddenly patting his left shoulder to call his attention—an action that caused the angel to gasp in extreme pain as the bullet, still fully inside his flesh, dug on his only healing limb at the sudden assault, making him hiss and double over, eyes shutting close and ears ringing with Sam’s frantic voice—

“ _Holy shit_ —Cas— _Cas_ , what’s wrong?”

The angel exhaled and clenched his right fist on his left arm, avoiding the injured shoulder at all cost. When the stinging pain subsided after a few minutes, Castiel found himself breathing on the table, his temple pressed on his right arm as he hunched over with his breathing quick and noisy.

 _“Don’t curse, Sam.”_ The angel found his voice. “It’s discomfiting.”

“Cas?” came Sam’s tentative voice just on his left shoulder. The angel closed his eyes tightly, before willing his body to arched backwards until his back hit the chair. Blue eyes were swimming in tears but Cas managed a weak smile and shook his head.

“It’s nothing…”

Sam frowned at him. “Cas, you can’t tell me it’s nothing right after what happened there. You had me worried, what was that?” his hazel eyes fell on the angel’s shoulder, obviously making his own assumption, “I thought you would have healed by now… I mean Dean’s—”

 “It’s still there.” Cas huffed as he regained composure and breath in rapid succession.

“What’s still there?”

“The bullet.” Cas said, sitting straight and clearing his throat with eyes on the books in front of him. As if only seeing the open books on the same topic, Sam’s jaw dropped open at the numerous catalogues and illustration of special guns including the colt. His eyes widened in alarm.

“Don’t tell me—you didn’t remove the bullet?”

“It couldn’t be removed.” Cas said drily, almost annoyed at the prospect of Sam thinking it was on purpose, but then Sam was worried for him so it was nothing. “It’s fine, you didn’t know. But do keep your large hands to yourself for a while.”

“You sure you should be moving?” Sam’s eyes were practically singing of worry but Castiel waved him away as he stood up, massaging his strained neck and looking up at the stunned Winchester.

“I’m used to it, Sam. Like a spinach stuck on your tooth or like that. But I once removed an angel bullet in my own body and dug it on an enemy’s flesh. This is nothing.”

He knew he didn’t convince Sam with the way he slowly walked away back to his room but he needed some place where he can curl and bury the pain without screaming. He hoped the brothers would stop jumping at him starting then.

But Sam had other ideas as he quickly grabbed his cellphone and called Dean’s number.

* * *

His mind racing at what Sam had just told him, Dean Winchester’s footsteps thundered on the stairs of the Bunker late that night. He looked winded, he looked distraught. His cheeks were red from all the booze he had taken since that morning and was only able to sober up when he received Sam’s call two hours ago. He had been across town, he had stopped deliberately far to contain himself from returning in the Bunker but right after what Sam had just told him, he had to berate himself for being so far when he was needed by his family the most.

_‘The bullet’s still in his shoulder, Dean! Damnit stop gurgling! Cas is hurt!’_

_‘What- what happened? What bullet? You don’t mean—’_

_‘I don’t know alright! Dude, get your ass here now!’_

Sam’s voice was both angry and sympathetic but Dean could careless which was which as he staggered to reach that room. That room he had always visited even when he knew no best friend of his was going to greet him with that ever-affectionate deep voice and unique, angelic smile, laced with sadness on his blue, but ever sincere eyes. The number of times he thought he had lost Castiel to circumstances too many to count, and still managed to come back. The number of times he believed Cas will still be there in the future because, well, he was Cas. No matter what happens, he will always return to him.

Now the idea that it was once again occupied stirred something wild in his senses, a longing he had kept in check for a long time. A feeling of winning against the test of fate where his angel always returns. Cas is there again. Except this time, Dean had to stay away. It must be some punishment from heaven, Dean always knew someday the heavens would get him back for taking one of its angels. But Cas was Cas and he belonged to Dean. Now Dean couldn’t even look him in the eye without seeing those frantic, frightened blue eyes staring back at him with his frail body shaking. Like Dean was the last thing it ever wanted to be near with. He had seen Cas run like hell that night. He never wanted to see that again.

So even if Cas says he was fine now, Dean didn’t believe him. He had known Cas and knew the angel’s ability to set aside his own safety could be done in a heartbeat. The angel never ever does know what’s good or bad for him as long as he could indulged Dean’s needs. Because for Cas, Dean’s needs were a priority. Fuck, Dean knew all of that. _Cas was his angel!_

So, when Cas was acting like everything was alright, Dean didn’t believe him. He knew trauma when he saw one. Him being Cas’ trauma was one hell of a punishment he was willing to take if it meant Cas was safe with him, or not with him as long as he was in the Bunker. He will stay away as much as he can if it meant keeping Cas close by…

Only to realize it wasn’t enough.

Dean pushed the door of Cas’ room open, his eyes falling on that figure on the bed, asleep and totally dead to the world with how his body embedded on the memory foam. Dean never knew Cas to be a heavy sleeper, except when he was at the last toes of his grace. Right now, his best friend was and Dean felt his throat constrict as he walked close to the bed slowly, too afraid to disturb him. The hunter doesn’t know if the memory of Cas’ panic-stricken eyes falling on him as he wakes up would ever leave his mind. He didn’t want Cas to be afraid of him, at the same time couldn’t help himself trying to watch over the angel because as Sam said, _Cas was hurt._

_And whose fault was that?_

Dean knelt on floor beside the bed where he could see Castiel’s face buried on the pillow. It was far from peaceful, but Castiel still managed to look divine despite the lines under his eyes. There was a glow on his skin that Dean never missed even when they were in the dark, but having seen it many times, he was disheartened to see it so dim. Cas breathing was with ease but he still looked like shit. He found himself smiling at Cas’ remark just yesterday. A smile he never let to slip because he will feel even more guilty. Guilty for taking Cas back with him when he could have left him alone, guilty for enjoying the angel’s presence when the angel was obviously tortured by the memories of the past. But most of all, guilty for breaking the angel who did nothing but sacrifice everything for him. And in the end?

Dean failed him.

And now here lies Castiel with a bullet deep in his shoulder accountable by none other than the man who was the sole reason for his fall from Heaven. It must’ve hurt. _It hurts a lot! Dean broke him and it hurts a lot!_

The emotion was too much. Dean found his shoulders shaking violently, found his trembling hands clamping on his shaking jaw on to his mouth to avoid any noise from coming out. He choked on his breathed and tears streamed furiously out of his eyes. He had too much drink, he blamed it all on the alcohol, he was never that much of a crier, but it was too late. Like a dam breaking, the water work was uncontrollable and Dean gasped for air, unable to contain the force wanting to come out of his stomach, almost forcing him to gag as he stilled his throat.

He remembered his mom, Cas and Jack… he failed all of them. _Pain. All that was there was pain._

A growl escaped out of his lips and he would have jumped out of the room so as not to wake Cas but too late. He looks up and found the angel’s eyes staring at him with his deep, dark blue eyes wide and stunned. Dean faltered backwards, a frightened curse leaving his lips, not really intending to alarm Cas who had only settled back in the Bunker not a day long. Now Cas will be running away from him and he didn’t know whether to chase him or let him if the angel did.

He didn’t know. He just didn’t know.

At loss of what to do with his emotion, he found himself getting wrapped in the angel’s warm embrace. Cas had descended from the bed to reach for him and lock him in his arms. Dean tried to struggle from the angel’s grip but Cas wouldn’t let him. He just wouldn’t let go.

And Dean cried. Plentiful of apologies while his body trembled. And Cas was still with him, consoling him when Dean knew he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve it. Yet, hating himself even more, he found his fingers curling on the back of Castiel’s shirt and there he pulled him close, afraid that he might run, might disappear. Understanding his fear, Castiel reached a hand on his cheeks and forced him to look him in the eyes.

At that moment, the last thing Dean felt he deserved from this angelic being was the feel of his soft, chapped lips upon his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There goes my mind racing  
> And you are the reason  
> That I'm still breathing  
> I'm hopeless now


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel sitting on a tree~  
> Rated for fluff and violence!  
> Long chapter ahead! I'll be back next week^^

Castiel was still not feeling great the moment he laid on the soft bed inside his room in the bunker with half his clothes damp from both sweat and water after coming out of the washroom, unsuccessful on his attempt to cleanse himself the second time. It was hard to move his aching muscles at this point with that stabbing pain ever since Sam’s hand had landed on the injured shoulder hours ago. He had tried to concentrate his grace on it when he was in front of the mirror but the exhaustion from the long road trip and the stress of having to deal with Dean’s absence or presence—a kind of dissonance his mind still had not made decision with—had all been too overwhelming. He was just too tired.

Feeling disgruntled, the injured angel ignored his appearance as he stayed in his room. His dark room had been a haven in the Bunker; after all those weeks of staying in different motel rooms wondering if it would ever come to an end and whether he and Jack would once again find a place home, the Bunker had provided an irreplaceable warmth in his heart. It had been his room ever since Dean told him he could choose one. Cas had argued that he never sleeps and that he had Dean’s room to stay _in_ anyway but the hunter just rolled his eyes and told him a flat _no_. He was no longer allowed to watch over him while he sleeps. Cas had narrowed his eyes then. Humans and their complexities. But the moment he took Dean to his offer, Cas had realized how important it was to have one’s own room. It was not just a room. It was a sense of belongingness. It was home.

The thought of never seeing it again after the graveyard had been one of Castiel’s inner regrets. He appreciated the room the first time it was given to him. He was cherishing it now after his return as he laid there, back pressed, his eyes tightly shut as he took a lungful of air to relax his tensed body.

But his features were far from relaxed. And after a second his expression had completely contorted, eyes still closed, as he remembered the recent events that never quite left him: of Jack disappearing, of Dean finding him, of Sam taking care of him and explaining everything Cas had been praying to be the truth at the back of his mind after the graveyard.

Of how despite being back at home, he felt that there was still a missing piece that left a large hole in his heart.

 _Dean_. A shiver ran down Castiel’s spine but he ignored it. He fell asleep trying to calm the repulsion at the pit of his stomach and trying to convince his subconscious over and over that Dean Winchester was no longer a threat. That Dean once again cared for him. Or Dean wouldn't have come looking...

He woke up at the first sound of a stifled groan. It was soft at first, barely audible. Then it turned to a heart wrenching sound that alarmed Castiel into awakening, blue eyes wide and alert.

Darkness loomed his sight, but his grace allowed him to identify a silhouette in the very still room. It was the head first, then his shoulders. Castiel knew it was Dean even before he could finish assessing him and like how it had always been every time he wakes up, he felt a pull on his spine that wanted _out,_ he felt his legs stiffen like it wanted to sprint out of the room, to put much distance between him and the hunter—everything about him was screaming that he _move and escape with his life._

But he didn’t as something else registered in his mind.

Dean was not moving. Dean was only there, apparently kneeling on the floor with head bow, his shoulders quaking at how violently he was trying to control his breathing. And with him was the most dreadful sound Castiel has ever heard a human being make. Torn between breathing and crying, the broken man sat there, lost to the world with tears streaming down his nose, gritting his teeth as he cried in anguish with a burden the angel could only gather from his soul. And it broke Cas too. He wanted to call out but his lips wouldn’t move. His body still wanted _to get the hell out of the room._

Gripping on his blanket, Cas stared at the man as he tried to take control his numb body. It was difficult to gain access to something that had shut down because of _fear,_ but nothing could stop him getting into Dean. Nothing ever did—not when his mind was aching to reach over the soul of the man who was breaking in front of him.

 _It’s okay._ He desperately wanted to tell both Dean and his body. _Just reach out—it’ll be okay!_

Dean suddenly looked up and their eyes met. Castiel’s eyes widened at the panic reflected both to Dean’s eyes and his—then the hunter scrambled away as if he was stung and the angel understood everything which only made the urgency of reaching Dean important.

_Don’t run away._

It was both for Dean and himself.

Breaking away from the numbness of his body, Castiel dived at Dean, uncaring of what he wanted to happen—he just wanted to erase the distance that had become them ever since Mary’s death— their many fights and disagreements—he wanted to erase the memory of the graveyard from which now he realized was torturing his friend— he wanted to remember all of Dean’s goodness, his smile, his annoying jokes and references, his bravery, his selflessness— everything that made him love the man because Dean deserved it. Dean has the most beautiful soul and Cas wanted both of them to remember.

Taking the man’s wet cheeks to his palms, he pressed his lips down to Dean’s and sealed their last distance with a kiss. Dean hesitated after a few moments, but Castiel wouldn’t let him. Wrapping his arms around the man’s shoulder, he went deeper, wanting nothing but to be close to Dean, to make him feel he was his angel again.

_“I’m here, Dean.”_

* * *

Dean was aching for Cas’ touch, he realized that the moment their lips parted as the angel whispered reassurances on his ears, their temples pressed together with their labored breaths. He wanted to embrace Castiel from the beginning, but the angel’s violent response to him was unexpected at the cabin. That was when Dean understood no touch was welcome between them anymore and Dean hated it like how he usually loathed himself at the recesses of his mind. That was why he felt shockwaves hit him when Cas' lips landed on his own that he found his hands gathering the angel’s waist into his arms automatically, hands running on his back and locking him close like he was afraid Cas would fly away again.

Seconds next, and Dean wanted to push Cas away and run.

This wasn’t right. He didn’t deserve this.

Synchronizing with his thoughts, Cas became fully aware of Dean’s next move so snaking his hands behind the hunter’s neck to give him no room for resistance, the angel nudged his tongue incessantly till Dean opened his mouth. Dean was nonplussed at the intimacy of his kiss, but a warm, positive feeling started sidling from his lips, on to his tensed shoulders, till he could feel it run down to every part of his body. It removed all the distortion in his thoughts, all the self-doubts and anger, even his slight intoxication was not left untouched as the angel delivered with his lips what Dean thought was the impossible, leaving him only with the assurances that this was right, that he was enough, he was needed, that he was beautiful and very much loved.

It wasn’t from him. It was from his angel.

_He was forgiven._

Overwhelmed by Castiel’s feelings, Dean hungrily kissed back, already subdued from thoughts of running away. No, it wasn’t _running_ that should be a problem anymore, but that desperation to _cling_ and touch. He captured the angel’s lips in turn, grazing his teeth on Cas’ soft bottom lip and digging his tongue in, meeting Castiel’s submissive one and leading him. It was a kiss he had never had before and he never wanted to stop it. Somehow Dean was even more afraid of this ending than facing a number of monsters on the loose.

But it did, and it tore him as he and Cas stared at each other with the angel looking at him with stars in his eyes.

Not long when they stopped, he found himself mesmerized by the angel’s lips, not for the first time and would have given anything for another nip but stopped himself just in time when he pulled his eyes and drowned himself in Castiel’s ocean blue eyes staring at him intently. _God, he missed those eyes._ They were too close, but it seemed appropriate given the length of time they had been separated. Neither moved to welcome _space._

“Dean.” Cas murmured, unblinking and eyeing him, his hands gently stroking away the man’s tears. The hunter remained staring at him guiltily because he didn’t deserve his forgiveness. _“Dean…”_

 “Cas,” he said when he found his voice as the angel continued staring at him with reverence, “Cas, I can’t do this…”

“You’re not doing anything…I am.” Cas stayed his fingers on the hunter’s neck who peered up at him with his own green eyes. Cas was concentrating on him despite the calmness of his voice but Dean knew better as the angel whispered, “I need this.” It was only then that Dean realized Castiel was trembling.

“ _Fuck_ , you hate this—!” Dean growled, the building feeling of hope in his stomach tumbling at the thought and anger was lashing at the same time as he struggled to get up, nearly knocking the angel on the floor— how could ever thought how perfect the kiss was? That he was easily forgiven by himself? Fuck, he was the one who shot the angel! _He deserved to be shot in the head!_

Dean was already by the door when a stab of worry suddenly held him back. Cas hadn’t made a sound or movements on the man’s sudden departure and looking back, Dean saw Cas was still sitting on the floor with his head bowed and posture haunching to his left, his shoulders askew as if an invisible weight was on his left. Dean felt a magnet pull him back but he clenched his fist to stop himself, loathed to touch the angel and knowing once he did, it would take all of his will to let go.

Castiel remained on the cold floor, holding his left arm as the tremor continued when strong, gentle hands eased down his waist and helped him up. The next thing, Cas found Dean beside him with his hands firm on his waist as he guided the angel back to the bed. Sitting down, Cas watched as the man sat beside him quietly and the two let silence fell for a few moments with only their breathings making the tiniest of sounds.

It was Dean who broke it, reaching out and sliding his hand on Cas’ trembling left hand and holding it tight. He could still feel it shake under his firm grasp. Dean could only hold it tighter.

“What do you mean you need this?” he raised his eyes to the angel whom he found already looking at him like how he had done for many years, close, intense and stripping every layer of his masks. Only Cas could do that.

The angel suddenly closed his eyes and pulled closer beside the man their remaining space forgotten as he inhaled Dean’s scent he recognized the moment he woke up from the cabin. He curled his fingers on Dean’s hand too and sighed, his blue eyes opening in the darkness.

“I don’t want to run away from you ever again.” He said seriously.

Dean felt like he had been punched in the gut, but no heightened emotion of anger was triggered inside him. Whatever Cas’ did seem to have settled his nerves completely. But a twinge of regret will always be with him when it comes to his angel.

“I think you should.” He gritted his teeth immediately, running a thumb on the trembling hand to sooth it. “I think you should get the hell as far away from me as you could. I’m nothing but a pain in your ass… _I’m poison, Cas_. You know that.” He met Castiel’s gaze and found the angel frowning at him.

“My brethren used to call me _Lucifer_ , Dean, and that was before he possessed me. With all the things I did in heaven after I rebelled. But I don’t think you would, as you say ‘get the hell as far away’ from me even if I tell you that. I think it would be the opposite. Or am I wrong?” He arched a curious eyebrow at the hunter who shook his head.

“No.” Dean pressed his lips as he looked down at their hands. “No, you’re not wrong. We’ll stick together like snail fighting for its shell.”

Cas suppressed the urge to ask why the hell a snail would fight for its shell when a smirk from Dean distracted him. It was the first hint of amusement Dean had ever shown him since they met and it surprised him.

“That’s what I thought.” Cas turned his face to the wall blankly, “Even if I go somewhere, where would I go?”

“I don’t know, Cas, somewhere I can’t find you.”

“I think we can both agree that didn’t work out well for us, you still found me.” Cas looked down their hands where his left had stopped trembling but Dean refused to let go. “And you are a man full of contradiction.”

Dean followed his eyes. Then slowly, he quickly withdrew his hand much to the angel’s disappointment.

“I’m still the person who hurt you, Cas, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I can’t.”

 “The world never forgives anyone because it also can’t, Dean.”

“Meaning?”

“You can only beat yourself so much and nothing will change. You will still be in the same place you started not knowing how it would be to forgive yourself. But if you insist that I get out of the Bunker…”

The thought of Castiel leaving flashed in Dean’s mind and his answer was definite. “Hell no.”

“Then you should not leave the Bunker as well,” the angel said gravely, “I fail to see the point of staying in your home while you hit bars and motel rooms doing things you do. The point of forgiving is we pull things back together and make something work. I did a fair share of the unforgivable so if you leave your home because of me, you’ll never find me here again.”

“Is that a threat?” Dean raised both eyebrows at Cas who tried to shrug but failed with a grimace. Dean’s hand was already rubbing circles on his back before the hunter could think of what he was doing. Castiel turned to him, serious.

“Only if it works, otherwise I can just leave here without you caring then all your problems will be solved.”

“No, you’re not my problem, Cas—it’s me—I caused this!”

“You should know by now how twisted the cause-and-effect in the Winchester’s cycle is, Dean. I’m not immune to it. You were neither the beginning of this, nor are you the ending, but it is arrogance to admit everything is your fault. Like I said, we all share the blame. I thought we’re team free will?” he blinked his blue eyes to the hunter who was staring at him with an undecided look.

Before long, Dean was chuckling to himself. He pulled his hands together, and sat still, shaking his head.

“That’s a dirty pull, Cas.”

“Yes, but so were the fighting snails. Snails hardly fight as they are mostly known to be docile creatures who only turn aggressive upon mating cycles.” Cas said in one swoop of his drawling voice before he could stop himself. Dean was chuckling again beside him and the angel had to give him another crucial look. “I’m serious, Dean.”

“I know,” the hunter pressed his lips, the grin not leaving his face as he stared at his best friend with affection lacing his tired eyes, “You’re really something, you know that, Cas?”

“Well,” Cas tried to be modest but it was obvious his cheeks were flaming despite the light only from the open doorway of the room. “I am still an angel.”

“Yes, you are.” Dean couldn’t help reaching out again and ran his hands on Castiel’s left arm with a sigh. “Let’s keep you like that. How’s the earthquake?”

“It has gone.”

“And the shoulder?” he inquired more seriously than before, his eyes falling on the injured shoulder with distress filling his green eyes. “Sam told me.”

“It’s fine, Dean.”  Cas was quick to assure Dean who looked calmer now, much himself really, but still sounded too guilty for Cas’ liking, especially when Dean looked up and met his eyes with the question repeated silently as if telling the angel to be honest. “It’s the truth. What’s happening to my body is an automatic response to the painful ordeal I had experienced which I believe you people call a _shock_.”

“But angels are not supposed to go through that.” Dean’s voice raised a notch, fists clenching with expression of guilt only too visible.” Cas shook his head in agreement.

“I suppose my weakening grace had something to do with it, the bullet takes much of my energy to heal the part it keeps repeating to destroy… but I will heal, gradually. As for the bullet,” he paused and bit his bottom lip, eyebrows contorting as he tried to explain the circumstances of why they couldn’t remove it while Dean watched him. “There is little to none information about the kind of weapon used. It is _touched and made by Chuck_ , so I think, like many other relics and weapon, it is meant to torture, maybe even to do worst but I have been under it for three months. I think I’ll live. It’s only a matter of time before we can find something that can remove it.”

“Then you should have used your grace to heal yourself, stupid.” Dean heaved a sigh in a chastising manner, “You used some on me, didn’t you?” How could Cas be so selfless when it comes to Dean, even the man couldn’t explain. One thing was certain, he wanted Cas in his life. He needed Cas no matter how much he tells him to go because that’s what Dean does. _Let go of those he loves he never wanted to hurt again._

But Cas knew that already as the angel narrowed his eyes. “You needed to calm down, you were intoxicated and acting irrationally.”

“Irrationally? Cas, I wasn’t the one who shoved his mouth in a dude’s crying face—you talk to me about irrationality? Next time just do your usual thing if you want to calm me down— just the fingers and all!” Dean blinked several times and looked away, his right hand rubbing the back of his neck because he understands why Cas kissed him—and no, it was not a kiss. It was just like those CPR them lifeguards do in a blink of an eye when someone’s drowned and they needed air. He was having a crying fit that’s why Cas had to do it.

 Of course, why else would his best friend kiss him except to help him extend his life again?

Castiel licked his lips unconsciously and Dean wished he didn’t. “I suppose I startled you? I’m sorry. I just wanted to put proximity between us. I didn’t like the distance. I never liked the distance between us, Dean. It felt strange even with my body trying to haul me away… you were there and you were in pain. I wanted to help you… Dean?”

For Dean was watching him with such keenness he wondered if his mind was somewhere else. The man, for his part, had been watching the movement of the angel’s lips and could not help but swallow as he remembered its soft trail upon his own. Was it just awhile ago when they kissed? It felt longer and Dean finds himself wondering if there would be another chance. He knew Cas was talking, was asking him something and Dean tried to listen, he really did but anymore of those lips would be fatal. Dean knew that. He didn’t want to encourage the dragon that had already awoken between them so kept his hands-on Cas’ waists. It was a normal reaction and frankly Dean would have questioned his manhood more if it didn’t get turned on by what his angel just did which obviously was _hot_. Dean’s mind whizzed at the word. _He thought Castiel was hot._ Because he was _dammit_ , he was smoldering from all those angel and demon fights and self-sacrifices and saving Sam and Dean and the world… and…

 _Shit!_ If Dean was trying to stop whatever should not be happening to him, he was doing a poor job on it.

Which leaves the question lingering at the back of his mind.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Did that kiss mean anything?”

Castiel’s expression disappeared but his blue eyes swam with meaning. Dean bit his lower lip, wanting nothing but to jump at the angel, but he couldn’t do it. _Please say no… please say no…_ or I’ll destroy us again…

Cas seemed to consider the question a lot longer than Dean expected and this scared him. He half expected Cas to tell him he moved on instinct, that he was moved to save his friend, only to realize Castiel was once again— _the being that was something else always ready to catch him off guard!_

“Let’s just say there really is a fine line between love and hatred.” Cas sighed finally while Dean was doing his best not to jump from where he sat. _Impossible!_ Cas didn’t look at him as he continued, “I have had special inclinations towards you, Dean. We after all, shared a profound bond… but… I only ever realized the depth of my own feelings when I was running away from you.”

Cas looked at him and Dean was there to catch him with attention now fully on the angel’s words. _But damn those lips…_

“What do you mean, Cas?”

“I was filled with hatred, Dean. Because you betrayed me.” Cas quietly went on with a somber look Dean just wanted to ease away. “And I failed you… but worst was when I didn’t find you on my side when I needed you the most. I got out of our encounter wounded by the man I trusted with my life. I was _devastated_ to say the least. I cursed your name on what I thought was my death bed. I constantly thought of you during my most painful hour… I hated you, Dean… hated you with all I’ve got.”

Dean was struck at the rawness of Cas’ words that he sat rigidly for a few moments beside him, looking as if he had just been slapped in the face. He let the angel’s words sink in and it hurt him like hell, the mere thought of Cas hating him not sitting well on his stomach. He wanted to reach Cas again, wanted to embrace him so bad to tell him how sorry he was but even Dean Winchester knew that was impossible. Cas was trembling because of him just now, how fucked up was his promise?

 “But… the more I thought of you and thought how I hate you… the more I realized how very important you are to me. You were never out of my mind for one instant since I walked the earth, Dean. I could only hate so much as I could love.”

Dean frowned abruptly. “You want to fix how the logic of that came out?” But Castiel was only giving him a deadpan expression so the hunter continued, “Come on, Cas—you cannot hate and love—”

“I think you know what I mean,” Cas said simply, leaving the hunter staring at him.

“You mean how you _love me_ and _love… all of my family_ , don’t you?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

Cas narrowed his gaze and shook his head. “No.” his deep voice hit a timbre, “I only meant _you_. And by standard of love, I believe this is mostly romantic. I’m sorry for the confusion, I do tend to love a lot… but I think I have a special preference for you. Only you, Dean.”

Dean inhaled and dropped his face on his palms.

Yes, right there was a confession and it was the most mind-blowing thing Dean had ever experienced. He was daze. There was always a special place for Cas in his heart—man, the angel was practically the only reason he was alive right now and able to save Sammy every now and then. And yes, the feeling would have been mutual, if it was not for the fact that Dean had caused Cas’ life to spiral from being one of the highest being of the whole universe, to the fallen angel that he is now, wounded even by the very man he chose to love.

No, Dean right now was very much rational. _He couldn’t take that much from Cas anymore._

“Cas—” he began after rubbing his hot face on his palm as he tried to find words to express his pain—only to find the angel looking at him with those beautiful blue eyes Dean had always found too exciting to behold, but now it was just like a drug he couldn’t get enough of, it was very distracting. “Cas—” he tried again and gulps.

“I know what you are going to say even before you say it.” Cas cut him off quietly even before he could speak and there was not a trace of anger or resentment on the angel’s eyes. Just undiluted love and affection.

“Cas… you know I can’t… with you…”

Castiel nodded dolefully for a second. “I understand. My feelings are my own to deal with, it will not demand anything back from you that you do not want. But part of being a fallen angel is _freewill,_ which means I am still free to love whoever I want to. Your answer does not affect mine… and it will not change our relationship in anyway. You are still Dean and I am still your best friend. I hope I did not alarm you with my sudden confession?” he raised his blue, troubled eyes to the hunter who squirmed under his gaze.

“Uh… no… _no trouble at all here._ Just…” he had to lick his drying lips as he found his eyes falling on Castiel’s bottom lip. Cas had always had chapped lips and yes, he had noticed a long time ago, but right now something stirring inside his stomach was telling him to go for it. Dean laughed out his nervousness. “You sure it wouldn’t bother you having me around? The guy you romantically like? I mean—if that is a man-crush, Cas, I’m telling you, you don’t need to be shy on my account…” _what the hell was he saying!?_

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about me, Dean.” Cas said sounding sure and Dean frowned at the evident confidence of the angel like he had not been rejected. Were that how angels are when rejected? They easily move on? “I would not bother with my affection. No, we will remain the same. I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable, that you can always count on.” He smiled in a positively moving way with the wrinkling on the side of his eyes, and somehow, Dean just knew who would fuck up between the two of them.

* * *

When Sam came to the hallway early that morning, he was surprised to be greeted by the mouthwatering aroma of Dean’s grilled burger that had him sprinting towards the kitchen doorway to find his brother on the grilling area wearing his dirty green apron a top his black shirt and jeans, left hand holding a platter of cheese he was enthusiastically plastering on the meat heating on the stove. What was most astonishing in this picture was Castiel seated on the kitchen counter with arms on top of the other, wearing Dean’s red flannel that was too big for his current physique it looked like he was wearing a robe. The two were both smiling from ear to ear, something that struck Sam when the last he remembered, he was worrying about his brother and his best friend because of the tension surrounding them that had become too high it was reaching dangerous heights. Now it looked like they were back to their domesticated selves and even more… what was that surrounding the two just now?

“What just happened?” he couldn’t help but break in the air, mouth gaping open at his older brother as he fell on the steps of the kitchen, one hand up, seemingly wanting to wave whatever it was that was there just to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

“Sam!” Dean called in that jovial, booming voice of his usually reserve when he was just a happy man of the day. “What happened to you, princess? You’ve been out for most of the day!”

“Dude, it’s only just 7:30. _You’re high._ ” Sam gulped and stopped beside Cas, giving the angel a funny look who was quietly sipping on his coffee. Castiel looked up at him inquiringly, “What are you guys doing here?”

“What does it look like to you, dumbass? We’re having breakfast.” Dean said rather incredulously as if Sam had just hit his head, moving to the counter and placing two plates with nearly toppling gigantic burger patties and brown vegetable next to it. The man shrugged as he delicately raised one of the round vegetables. “Better take your sit before I wolf down my special. I bet you haven’t had a taste of Dean’s triple decker monster cheese burger with sides… forget the sides, they’re potatoes, not even fried, eh dammit.” He got rid of the potatoes on the trash bin and began washing his hands. Sam turned abruptly to Cas with eyebrows contorted.

“What’s he doing?”

Castiel blinked at Sam, then travelled his eyes to Dean, then back to the younger Winchester. “Uhm… I think you are pertaining to something the naked eyes could not see.” The angel narrowed his eyes to Dean’s back, “And judging from your point of view… I think Dean’s kind of disappointed with how the potatoes turned up. He didn’t fry them right—”

“No, not that.” Sam shook his head, his arms gesturing widely and quite dangerously from his brother to Cas, “I mean the two of you—you—” he saw Cas squint at him in wonder, “I mean, _what happened_?”

“Oh.” Cas blinked as he now watched Dean carry a platter from the counter and bring it towards the table. A smile lingered on his lips. “We’re okay, if that’s what you mean.”

“Okay?” Sam blinked several times, seeing that mysterious grin playing on the angel’s face. “Just _okay? Just like that?”_

“What are you rambling about early in the morning, Sammy?” Dean approached the other side of the table and put a plate in front of Cas filled with olives and cheese burger. He nodded to his brother’s plate with brows together, “Go eat your meal before it gets cold, alright? Cas here has to eat extra—we need to fatten him up again, make him huggable.”

“I like burgers.” Cas said with a pleased press of his lips as he reached for the fork and knife but one look in Sam’s confused face had him stopping. Dean was also staring at his giant brother who continued giving them a funny look. Cas put his wrist down as he understood the meaning of the silence. “Oh, you meant how Dean and I made up last night? It wasn’t easy, we kissed a bit—”

Dean’s left hand clamped instantly on Castiel’s surprised mouth while Sam’s mouth fell open. Dean broke into a force grin as he eyed Cas from the corner of his eyes, before darting it back to his brother who was staring at him wide eyes.

“Wow, I mean, wow—that’s… that’s really an improvement. Way to step it up a notch, Dean—” he glanced at his brother, then to his best friend with expression turning soft. Dean blinked at him, then snatched his hand from Castiel’s lips as it earned an approving nod from his younger brother.

“No, Sam, that’s not… haha… that’s not how it happened.” But Sam was being too supportive much to Dean’s chagrin.

“No, no— Dean, this is the best piece of news I’ve heard my entire life. You guys deserve each other.” He stood up and was about to hug his brother who was giving him looks of dagger Sam could not get for some reason.

“Stop it, Sam—”

“I think you’re mistaken, Sam.” Came Cas’ dry voice from the table and the brothers both looked down at the angel who was already eating his breakfast with blue eyes steadfast on the younger Winchester, “Dean already told me no. We are not in any form of relationship you are thinking about, it’s all a misunderstanding.”

 _“What? Dean!”_ Sam hollered that had Dean jumping in surprise.

_“What?!”_

“What the hell man, you’re the one who said _no!?_ _Where’s your balls, dude!?”_

Dean tried to retort back but couldn’t manage to, leaving his mouth opening and closing in the air. Castiel watched them with eyes bouncing from one Winchester to the other, his mouth already full of Dean’s monster burger. Seconds next, Sam became so upset he stood up, standing tall above them and snatching his plate of breakfast, he gave Dean an exasperated look. “I’m going to eat in my room, give you two time to think about your… whatever you have going on. Dammit, Dean.”

“What did I do?” Dean found his voice, raising both arms in the air in disbelief as Sam stormed out of the kitchen and shouted after him, “You better not let that get cold on your table just because you have stocks of vegetables in your fridge! That’s sin, man!” But Sam was already gone by the time Dean huffed and turned to his best friend still eating quietly beside him. “Did you see that?”

“It’s impossible to miss it from where I am sitting.” Cas commented unhelpfully.

“Why was he so angry?” Dean put both hands on the edge of the table, confused green eyes to the angel, “Did we offend him?”

“Sam seems to be under the impression that we deserve each other.” Cas pressed his lips closed and tasted oil surrounding his mouth, he looked around for the nearest napkin but found nothing next to him. He finally decided to lick it all away, all the while speaking to Dean. “Of course, I couldn’t be certain, but Sam is entitled to have his own opinion.” He finally looked up at Dean to find the man staring down at him like someone having a mild stroke. “Dean?”

Dean didn’t immediately respond where he stood and absentmindedly pointed under Cas’ bottom lip where grease and cheese were left unattended. “There’s uh… there’s uh… more…”

Castiel only frowned at him and looked down his chest. Then Dean’s hand was on his chin, tilting it up gently till their eyes meet, but Dean’s eyes fell on the angel’s lips as he slowly swiped the grease with his thumb, running it over Cas’ lips, remembering that brief… no, that was not brief… that _long heated moment he tasted those supple lips_. And damn who’d have thought Cas’s lips against him would make him sleepless for the rest of the night? Even had to take a cold shower when he woke up the next morning.

“Dean?” Castiel called him back and Dean became aware how his thumb had overstayed and quickly withdrew as if burned. Cas’ eyes lingered on him as he tasted Dean’s touch on his lips and _damn_ those tongue should be illegal. Dean felt his body going rigid and had to immediately sit down and snatch his plate in front of him. “Dean, are you—?”

“Yep, fine.” Dean nodded vigorously, grinding on the burger with much gusto and force than necessary.

The fuck was that? _Did he just get another boner?_

* * *

Dean just knew he was doomed when Cas was around.

So much for denying himself and not deserving the angel—Castiel was basically the only being made to love him unconditionally. Or at least, that was what he wanted to believe whenever his mind drifted to their past, of how Cas had saved him from hell, how he had been there all throughout his journey, Castiel’s many sacrifices and the number of fall out they have had. It was quite impossible to deny the existence of their bond when he thought about it. But he knew he was going to dangerous grounds whenever the idea of happiness with Cas crosses his mind. He knew happiness was an illusion to the likes of him and knew he would never deserve anything so kind from the universe, not after all this time.

In reality, he was afraid of what he was feeling for Castiel now more than ever. It was as if the feeling was there all this time, untapped and unquestioned. But after his intimate exchange with the angel it was as if a star had burst out of his eyes together with something feral clawing somewhere there at the pit. A need that needed to be put in check because Dean would never… this was Cas, his best friend who had been one of the reasons his faith to himself was restored. Someone so beautiful must never be doomed to be with him, someone like him who had surrounded himself with nothing but death. _Cas still deserved better._

Yet, for the rest of the week, there was nothing in Dean’s mind except Castiel and the damnable touch of his lips. Whenever he wasn’t around, Dean would always come looking for him like an abandoned pup, jumping from his room to the war room, the kitchen and library. Usually he would find the angel behind stacks of books in the library, researching about the bullet still buried in his shoulder. Dean had cursed the day he pulled the trigger against his angel. He had seen the damage when Sam had asked Cas to show them his injury on the second day of his arrival in the bunker, having realized none of them had seen the extent of his pain. Seeing the blackened spot that nearly took half of Castiel’s shoulder, Dean couldn’t help walking out in anger and disappearing for the next 24 hours.

He returned the next day with apologies but Cas only brushed him off after asking if he was fine or intoxicated. Dean said he didn’t drink and stepped back as Cas was about to use the last of his mojo to sober him up. The proximity they had that day nearly had Dean lounging at the angel’s lips if it wasn’t for Sam’s arrival. It wasn’t the first time. Every time he would find himself alone with Cas, he realized he had this tendency to fall just a step behind him or in front of him, brushing on his shoulder, touching his arm, smelling his minty breath. Like a magnet, he was always pulled so close to Cas who never seemed bothered of him turning up so close, like it was the most natural thing between them. More often than not, it was Sam clearing his throat that would pull Dean back to his poor reality of not allowed to be _that close._ And he would curse himself whenever he turns away. Castiel would always say nothing.

It was the same that day when Dean went looking for Cas and found him in the Dean Cave, quietly enjoying an episode of Scooby Doo on the giant screen whilst seated on one of the chairs while eating what appeared to be a packet of gummy worms. Dean knocked on the door and without Castiel looking up, the angel knew it was Dean.

“Hey, you’d been here the whole day?” he asked sauntering curiously with a look around. “Where’s Sam?”

“In his room,” Cas answered, keeping his eyes fixated on the tv, an amused look in his eyes as he chewed on the worms, legs crossed before him. “You didn’t park in the garage, did you? Sam never left for groceries. I told him to buy more of these.” He raised the packet to Dean who was now standing on the side of his chair with a frown at the angel then Scooby Doo. The sight of the cartoon eased his frown and Dean found himself smirking.

“Want to watch together?” Cas suddenly asked, still not looking at him and Dean realized just how busy his angel with the television was, the reflection of the lenses practically dancing in his eyes. Amused, the hunter stood still and watched Cas for a moment, noting on his brightening cheeks and glowing skin. His body had improved in one week’s time and though he still flinches on Dean’s surprise appearances whenever he was caught off guard, Castiel looked almost healthy. There was a matter with the bullet in him, but Sam and Dean had been working on it too.

His eyes then fell on Cas’ lips again, chewing unstoppably on a yellow gummy worm that disappeared inside his lips in a blink of an eye. That got Dean staring for a second. He watched as Cas took another one and noisily slurped it without bothering to chew. Dean felt his muscles tensing as he stood straight and most definitely aroused.

_Damnit._

Cas was just chewing on a green worm dangling on his mouth when he noticed the hunter’s transfixed gaze. It had him looking up, angling his neck to meet Dean’s eyes who was intent on the gummy worm it seemed. “Want one?” he asked with eyes blinking at the sight of the man standing just under the light, he couldn’t see his face properly.

“Give it here.” Said Dean in a surprising low growl. Cas raised the packet.

Dean leaned down, his head passing the plastic container as his mouth took the end of the green dangling worm from Cas’ mouth, sucking it in and tracing back to the end where he crashed his lips on Castiel’s. Touching the angel’s lips was bliss for Dean who closed his eyes and dived deeper, catching Cas in a bit of surprise as the tip of Dean’s tongue easily slipped in his half open mouth, the gummy worm long gone. Cas tasted sweet. Cas tasted so good. And Dean made sure his lips would remember the shape of the angel’s mouth.

After what felt like a long time, Dean pulled back breathless with the wet trickle of his and Cas’ exchange on his hungry lips, eyes full of meaning as he stared down at the angel whose blue eyes were lost in the kiss, still dazed and unable to respond with his dark hair tousled in all direction. Dean smiled at him and straightened up, licking around his own lips and taking one gummy worm from Cas’ forgotten packet and biting it. His groin was nowhere near that dead.

“Thanks.” He muttered sheepishly with Castiel just staring at him.

* * *

Why Dean couldn’t resist Cas, and why Cas _wouldn’t_ resist Dean brought about an exciting yet twisted turn in their relationship where not one wanted to explain. Dean did not approach Castiel in the same manner after many days, seeing as Cas was not about to stop him any time soon. The angel remained friendly with him on daily basis like nothing was happening, ignoring Dean’s questioning looks in the silence that would fall between them and Dean had avoided the angel’s room at all cost. He knew what he was doing and he was afraid what he would do by just being alone with Cas in the room. He liked what they have around the Bunker, but he was never going to freak out Cas like that or force him to do anything he didn’t want to.

The problem was, Cas seemed to unintentionally willing to do whatever it was that Dean pleases and that scares the hell out of Dean. What in here was his catching line of saying ‘no’ to Cas that night he confessed when Cas couldn’t tell him the same? Should he tell Cas that he could say no? He wanted to talk to Sam about it, but knowing his brother, Sam would definitely tell him off to lay off the angel. Which for now, Dean was having a hard time doing.

Especially when Castiel, for all the good in him, is seen tiptoeing under the kitchen cupboard, trying to reach out a box of powdered milk Sam had inadvertently placed at the highest shelf with his not too long shirt raising up and revealing his tender behind all for Dean to see as he stood just by the doorway, carrying an empty can of beer. Cas had his left hand on the door of the cupboard and the other extending above him, exerting all his limbs just to touch the tip of the box.

Dean watched in amusement as Cas dangle his ass with that breathy sound he was making. Still, Dean didn't like how thin Castiel had become and would always silently curse himself for letting things happen when he could have been protecting his buddy. Castiel had been lean, strong and formidable. Now he was weaker than a human physically and Dean wanted nothing but to hover around him always and protect him. The thought of Castiel leaning for him for support had the hunter sucking air. Dean later realized it was never just the amusement of his lips much to the amusement of his hardening erection. He decided to put a stop at the foreplay.

“Hey, man uh—want me to reach that for you?” he had barely taken three steps when at the sudden voice, Cas jerked his hand with much force, tipping the box above his head out of balance and falling down straight to his head. Dean hissed in surprise as he saw white cloud of smoke fill the kitchen and a loud scratchy cough in the middle of it all.

“Cas? Cas you okay?”

“It’s just powder,” came the angel’s dry voice as Dean waved the dust away as he walked towards where he can see Cas standing, the hunter's expression suppressing a large grin at the white ass angel blinking up at him with difficulty and coughing as he assured him in his dry tone- “nothing has ever died because of little powder.”

“Yeah, you look like you set off another atomic bomb.” Dean chuckled as he found Castiel and stood firmly before him, seeing his entire dark head covered with powder with his hair looking like cat whiskers, his face a mask of makeup powder gone wrong. Cas blinked and his blue eyes, in contrast to the  chalknow covering his face, had Dean grinning like a child as he reached out a hand and wiped some of the dust from the angel’s shoulder gently, up to his neck then to his cheeks. The touch brought electric charge on his body as he looked longingly at his friend. “Your eyes are really pretty, Cas.” He blurted without thinking. It made him stop dead.

Cas didn’t seem to notices as he licked his lips over and over again, saying grumpily, “And I taste like milk.”

Dean knew it was game over as his eyes feasted on Cas’ reddening lips against the all the white.

“I bet you do.” The hunter said as he pulled Cas and crashed his wet lips into his, sucking on the angel’s upper lip and then sliding on his bottom lip, licking on the entrance of Cas’ mouth before letting his tongue do its work. Castiel had stopped moving before Dean, pliantly following his lead, his head falling back every time Dean pushes in him, his back pressed on the counter with hands holding on its edge. Dean knew something like this was bound to happen that day. _He was wishing something like this would happen._ Without warning, Dean’s hands were on Cas’ waist, lifting him like he was a pillow and seated him on the counter, their kiss not breaking. Cas stifled a groan when Dean’s lips left his mouth and hunted down his throat, the pressure of his teeth and lips leaving a mark just under his right jaw, tasting the powdered milk, marking him there with intention. The sloppy sounds they made for half an hour was enough to drive Dean nuts. He didn’t let Cas out of his grip till he was sure his face was all cleaned by his mouth that by the end of it, he was fully hard on and he could tell Cas was too, but neither did anything the other wasn’t certain about.

Only when the steamy thoughts and his itchy hands couldn’t hold on any longer, did the hunter stepped back from the startled angel, leaving his work with a satisfied smile on his lips as he saw the mark on Cas’ neck. He helped the angel down the floor gently and touched his chin.

“Better step in the shower now before Sam finds out… I’ll clean up here.”

Cas’ eyes lingered on him questioningly. “What are we, Dean?”

The hunter let his fingers stroke Cas’ cheeks. He knew that question was coming sooner or later. “I don’t know, Cas…”

 A glint suddenly appeared on the angel’s blue eyes. “After all this time and you still haven’t found your answer…?” his voice was low and calm but the disappointment in his eyes were unconcealable and for the briefest moment, the hunter thought he saw both anger and pain flash before his eyes but the angel only took in a deep breath and sighed, not saying another word.

“Cas…?”

“What do you want from me, Dean?”

“I…” Dean mouthed his answer but none came. He felt Cas pull away from him with that firm clenching of his mouth and lips that if Cas was still a powerful angel, Dean was sure he would have been thrown across the room. But still nothing came out of his mouth, and he half wished Cas did throw him in the room. The cold look he received from the angel had the same power anyway.

“I’ll wash up. Thank you for taking care of the mess.” Cas slipped out from his grasp and was out of the kitchen, leaving Dean closing his eyes shut and running frustrated hands on his hair.

_Damnit, why the hell does he fuck up every single time!?_

* * *

_Dumbass Dean._ That was what Castiel found himself thinking inside his room hours later, still unable to figure out Dean’s actions towards him and trying to decide whether to ignore it or continue going with it. One minute they were kissing, the next minute Dean was gone. Even snails have better mating cycle than what Dean had in mind, if Castiel was being honest. With this in mind, he heard a soft knock on his door and found Sam’s head poking from the doorway when he answered.

“Sam.”

“D’you have any idea where Dean went? He took the impala; we were supposed to go downtown to buy supplies…”

Castiel shook his head firmly. “I’m sorry, it’s been hours since I last saw him.”

“That’s weird,” Sam scratched his chin, “Wonder what he’s up to. You guys okay?”

Cas realized he needed to work on his expression these days when it comes to Sam. “We’re fine… _peachy_ in your brother’s term. But it’s really okay, Sam.” He added hastily when he saw concern on his face.

“You sure?” the angel nodded and so did Sam, “Okay, well, anyway, I’m going to use my car and call my sorry-for-being-an-idiot-brother on the way. You gonna be alright on your own?”

“Of course,” Castiel nodded, feeling mighty powered up at the prospect of being independent, even for a little while. Usually the brothers never really left him, or at least with one still sticking up and looking after him. Sam giving him this sudden autonomy was making him feel enabled. He smiled as his friend nodded and disappeared on the doorway, leaving him staring at the door for a moment before remembering there were still books he had to look at about Chuck’s weapon. That was how he spent the next two hours without Sam and Dean and forgot the rest when someone clobbered his head.

* * *

Castiel felt nauseous. His head was swimming in pain with his visions blurred. He tried to feel as much as he could but felt a pang of pain on both his shoulders then to his arms. That was when he realized he was tied backwards. Hissing, he opened his heavy eyelids and saw blurring grey. He blinked again and shook his head, trying to make out any form and saw an outline of vertical black from the corner of his eyes. It was no use, the pain on his head and his shoulder was too much, he was falling in darkness again…

 _“No, no, don’t sleep on me now, halo…”_ called a familiar voice and before Cas could understand what was happening, a bucket of freezing water was dropped on his head, making him yelp and yank on his bonds as the coldness seeped to the corners of his skin, making him tremble and breathe raggedly, his eyes seeing more stars…

_What’s happening…?_

He blinked his eyes as he felt the black form move in front of him, then strong and forceful hand was snatched his chin, forcing him to look up and see under the bright, interrogation light. Confused and wondering if Dean had caught up with him, Castiel opened his eyes one last time to see the man in front of him. He exhaled as he finally saw his wicked grin.

“Hello, halo. Been awhile. Care to join me in this meeting?” Arthur Ketch said with eyes narrowing at the startled angel, who could now see the familiar mark of the British agent, “Just a quick word from you and then maybe we can get going with the Nephilim who killed Mary Winchester? What say you?”

Cas eyes widened in mixture of horror and repulsion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I could turn back the clock  
> I’d make sure the light defeated the dark  
> I'd spend every hour of every day  
> Keeping you safe


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (WARNING FOR VIOLENCE!)  
> This is the longest one good for two weeks^^  
> I'm kidding! Be back next week for !  
> I'm just happy it's here!  
> Someone slap Ketch for me! Warning for noncon! :o  
> Someone tell me there should be more!!!  
> But there's more stanza! :D  
> Thank you for reading as always!

Dean drove the impala beside a faded blue 1969 mercury cougar parked near their favorite diner in town, eyes easily falling on his tall younger brother wearing his dark brown jacket with hands deep on its pockets, leaning on the driver seat’s door with crossed legs before him, watching Dean expectantly as he turned off the engine that rumbled and stilled a second next. Sam ambled towards the shotgun window and leaned down to peer at Dean with wrinkles on his forehead, a kind of expression that always had Dean on the defense.

“'Sup?” Dean managed, hardly innocent recalling Sam’s call half an hour ago ranting about their plan and Cas being alone on his own, “Wanna add more reminders to the long list you raked on my ear? Go stick a note on my forehead, Sammy, why don’tcha?”

 “Don’t make me, Dean.” Sam said rather annoyed, “Dude, we had a plan to get medical supplies and gather information quick to get back to Cas. What were you thinking going off on your own?”

“You were just about to take a shower.” Dean said reasonably strong with grit on his teeth as if that explained everything. When Sam stared at him in confusion, the older hunter spat out, _“You were about to clean the goddamn hair, Sam! You really think I’d wait for hours?”_

“You would too if you have monster guts sticking on your hair. I fought off a zombie controlled by a witch last night, Dean and three spirits nights before that.”

“Then you shoulda let me join you if you were gonna come at me with the guilt trip.”

“Like hell you can leave Cas on his own, you can barely stand it when he’s not in front of you.”

 _“What’s that suppose to mean?”_ an angry mark was beginning to rise on Dean’s tone that had Sam roll his eyes.

“You know exactly what I mean, I thought I’d have to drag you out of the Bunker just to join me.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” His brother growled.

“Is that why you’re out here now?” Sam prodded on, knots on his forehead deepening, “You and Cas not okay?”

“We’re fine.” Dean snapped with hands automatically gripping the wheel of his car as he avoided looking at his brother, an action Sam knew too well when his brother was uncomfortable of the subject and unwilling to discuss it further. Huffing and shaking his head, Sam’s eyes fell on the two boxes at the backseat. At first, Sam thought his brother had bought supply of beers to drown whatever sorry-ass feeling he was having now about their best friend, but looking closely, he saw the brand name and pulled his eyes back to his brother in disbelief.

“Is— is that milk? You bought boxes of… powdered _milk_?” he craned his neck at the boxes again just to make sure.

Dean suddenly lost all aggressiveness as swayed his body backwards, cleared his throat and turned his eyes on the windshield looking sheepish like Sam had caught him chatting with his cowboy heroes’ posters. Sam stared long at his brother, caught surprise by the sudden tone down and embarrassment.

“I uh…” Dean cleared his throat again, eyes falling down on his hands, “Cas accidentally messed up in the kitchen… poor dude seems to like milk with a passion and threw it all over himself. You should’ve seen how he looked.” Dean started chuckling at the memory, the side of his eyes crinkling at the thought while Sam watched from the corner. That was when Dean looked back at his brother with furrowed eyebrows and sharp eyes, then with a very serious voice added, index finger pointing, “So you quit putting things he needs on top shelves, you get that? Not everyone’s a tower like you, Sammy, be considerate wouldya?”

But Sam only watched his brother as his arms rested on the car’s window, his eyes filling in wonder. It had been many months since he had seen his brother pretty much alive like that. Pretty much with glinting eyes that spoke of the many things he never says a word about—of his insecurities, of his trouble, of his pain—but one thing constant about Dean was to let everyone else know how he would do anything to keep them safe. Dean was a simple man like that, but he was also a complicated person when it came to anger. _Self-loath_ was something akin to Dean and the number of times Sam had witnessed that on him was nothing in comparison to what he had seen in the past three months when his brother thought he had killed their best friend.

Sam could remember it like it was only yesterday when Dean woke up two days after shooting Cas with raging fever. Sam had been in the war room when his brother emerged from the hallway, pale and disheveled, wearing his jacket and jeans with bright red eyes watering from unshed tears. Sam remembered jumping to Dean’s side immediately and telling him to go back to their room but his brother had been adamant. Dean wanted to return to the graveyard where he shot Cas. Dean wanted to see him at once. Dean wanted to apologize.

_“I gotta go, Sammy…”_

_“Dean, he’s not there. He and Jack flew away—you’ve got to return to your room.” He reached his brother but Dean refused his touch._

_“No… no, I…” he struggled to look for words, his voice already choked and unsteady that when their eyes met, Sam could swear Dean looked more frightened than anything he had seen, “I’m sure he’s there… waiting for me to pick em up cause his car’s a dump… Cas needs me, Sam…”_

_“Dean, Jack and Cas are not there. You know that.” Sam hated himself for having to break it to him, especially when Dean looked up so fast, his green eyes dilating from his fever. Then his husky voice broke the silence._

_“Sam… Sam I killed… Sam I killed…” he swallowed hard with painful press of his lips. “I killed him, Sam…”_

_“You didn’t!” Sam said urgently, arms sliding to his brother’s waist as he flung Dean’s arms on his shoulder, urging him to return to his room, “You’re pretty much alive, Dean and you and I both know if Cas didn’t survive then so should you.”_

_“I didn’t…” Dean was crying in earnest now as they made a slow progress back in the hallway, “I didn’t mean it, Sam… we’ve got to find Cas… he can’t… I didn’t… he needs to know, Sam…”_

_“It’ll be okay, Dean… Cas is fine…”_

_“I want to see him… how could I…?”_

_“It’s okay, Dean…”_

_“We gotta find him… I need…. I need to see him… I need to see he’s alive with my eyes… or I’ll die, Sam…”_

_“Shhh… come on, get in the room… it’ll be fine…”_

_“I gotta go, Sam…”_

_“You need to rest, we’ll find them soon…” Sam gritted his teeth as he let Dean sit down at the edge of the bed and his brother’s head fell on his hands instantly. Sam had never seen his brother look so defeated but he couldn’t blame him. Dean and Cas… they were meant to be together and Sam knew even without his brother telling the world how important Cas was to him. Sam could only imagine his pain at losing someone he loves. He lost Jessica, he lost Dean many times… but Cas was Dean’s hope. The angel was his brother’s light in his dark alley way close to hell. A constant presence that assured Dean he was never going to be alone… Cas was Dean’s salvation._

_He clearly couldn’t imagine his brother’s pain and Sam could only look at his beaten brother helplessly._

_Weeks passed into months and Dean’s body failed to recover although Sam had a very good idea why Dean wasn’t healing at all. The bullet wound was nearly superficial at the end of the month, but Dean still looked deathly pale, staying in the Bunker for week’s end with booze on his table when left on his own. Sometimes Sam would find him on the corner of the room with hands on his eyes, sobered up and all, but the more inclined he was to understand what he did, the more he spirals down to his depression. Sam had taken care of him and the world for the best of it but he knew his brother was going through some hell of a time trying to erase the memory of him pulling the trigger on Cas or Cas being dead at all. It took many assurances from the younger Winchester to make Dean believe every time he wakes up screaming from one of his nightmares that Cas was alive. Cas was okay._

_In reality, Sam didn’t know any better and prayed silently to Castiel to be alright. For Dean’s sake._

_Does he mention to Cas how Dean had disappeared one day and Sam had to frantically look for him for solid eighteen hours only to realize there was only one place his brother ought to be found and that was the graveyard?_

_Seeing Dean stand there on the spot where Cas and Jack had disappeared had Sam praying to Castiel forever._

It was to his utmost relief to hear from Dean months after that he found Castiel alone in Kelly’s cabin, and pretty much saddened by the thought that the angel had gone through some extreme hell because of Dean as well. Dean understood that instantly that when Sam arrived in the cabin, Dean was almost ready to fly like the demon was behind him. Dean knew what he did and that’s about enough to make the man hate himself more. Sam had been afraid of that. Had been afraid for Dean when he finds Cas. Even more afraid of Castiel’s reaction to his brother.

But like the angel that he is, Castiel was almost always ready to perform his _miracle_ to Dean that the next morning, he found the two happily engaged in the kitchen, with Dean being the happy hunter Sam had missed. Sam knew it was because of Cas. It was always _Cas._

The Dean Winchester right here in front of him in the impala with boxes load of _milk_ while red in the face was also Castiel’s miracle. Sam could only sigh in relief and chuckle at his idiot brother who obviously had fallen hard for the angel. Which begets one question in Sam’s mind.

“Dean?” his tone was low so that Dean looked over at him with a hint of seriousness. “So, what are you planning to do with Cas?”

The question had Dean gaping at his brother with his lips parting in surprise. Sam continued giving him his frown and watched as the hunter slid out of the car and stood opposite him with arms landing on the hood of his car. Sam did the same and the Winchester brothers eyed each other expectantly.

Dean was frowning. “What do you mean ‘planning’? What am I here, the control freak?”

Sam gave him an inquisitive look, “No, I mean… you planning on letting him go soon?”

Dean’s eyes visibly rounded that turned indignantly narrow the next second, “Go? Why, where would he go? He belongs in the Bunker, Sam. Why are you asking about letting go?”

“You know what I mean,” Sam insisted through gritted teeth, “I mean, you guys practically told me you made out— and don’t deny it—Cas never lies. So, unless I am mistaken, someone had already made the move after chuck knows how long, and you said _no,_ Dean. So why are you still hanging around Cas like you’re about to eat him?”

Dean struggled to get words out of his mouth at these accusations. He looked surprised at first, then offended. The next thing he was pointing at Sam again with brows furrowed angrily.

“You’re making it sound like I’m the wolf fattening up red riding hood!”

“Aren’t you?”

“Sam.” Dean growled in warning.

“Dude, you’re around Cas all the time, giving him looks even I would be embarrassed about!” Sam couldn’t help it, he had enough of Dean playing around he was willing to see all the indignance in his brother’s face, “I’m not blind, Dean. I see what you’re doing. The way you look at him—hell even the way you always want to be near him. I’m sorry, but not everyone can pretend like you do, man. Actually, no. Even your body’s more honest than you.”

Dean slammed his hand on the hood and was giving Sam a deadly stare. “You think you’re being funny?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “I should be laughing about the tons of milk powder, dude, but no. You know what? Maybe I should be telling you to get off Cas’ case instead because remember—you told him ‘no’. Better stick to your guns and lay off Cas before you hurt yourselves!”

Dean was beside Sam in an instant with clenched fist and Sam just knew his brother was itching to slam him on the chest, which he didn’t. But Dean’s intent eyes were on him and Sam was more than willing to meet him. It was time to shake Dean out of his comfort zone.

“I know I hurt Cas a lot,” Dean started through gritted teeth, “but don’t you think that’s enough reason why I could never… why I never want to take more?”

“You can’t take anything he hasn’t given you already.” Sam said quietly, “Dean, how many too-lates are you willing to go through before you realize you and Cas… you’re the only ones who can make miracles out of nothing? You think any human can just meet _angels_ and have angels stay with them rather than heaven?”

 _“You think I didn’t feel guilty enough about that?”_ Dean hollered with intensity, his eyes burning, “You think I was happy having Cas fall from heaven? About every single crap that happened to him— _do you think I didn’t blame myself enough?!”_

“Yes—and if you’d care enough to ask maybe you’ll notice how Cas will be more than happy to do that all over again, you know why? Because he found us more important than heaven, Dean! _He found you more important so if you can’t find your own self-worth then trust in the angel that did! Or else you’re putting all his sacrifices for nothing!”_

Dean’s look of agitation disappeared as he looked away with compressed lips. For a second, he looked like he was about to walk out and drive the car as far as possible. The next he was only shaking his head and Sam knew he was getting through. “You don’t understand what you’re talking about. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Sam sighed. “Don’t you? Dean, how can I not understand—I’m the guy who’s with you for three months without Cas. You… you were basically dead without him. Cas is with us now. He’s going to stay as long as you want to. Cas is not going anywhere unless you push him out again, and believe me dude, you’re doing it.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Dean snapped with aggression that Sam didn’t see coming, “you tellin me I need to put the distance back with us cause I’m not willing to take part in sinking the boat?”

“If sinking the boat meant getting Cas’ hopes up…” Sam gulped as he saw guilt swimming back in his brother’s eyes. “Dean, you don’t have to make it difficult for you and Cas… man, you already know he loves you.”

Dean paused for a moment, his features showing dawning compression as well as fear. Like he had been splashed with cold water as something occurred in his mind. _Loved. He was loved by the angel._ But Dean should know it already. Sam didn’t know how this would end. He knew Dean needed to hear it from him, but he knew it was risky because it could turn both good and bad and right now, he was hoping Dean would incline on the former because knowing Dean— _convincing him to choose what’s better for him was never the hunter’s forte._

And it manifested when Dean Winchester pressed a hand on his face, pulling it down roughly with a fierce look and agony of losing something like Sam had just taken the lights out of his life—which actually horrified Sam.

“Dean—?”

“You’re right, Sam… I… shouldn’t be fooling around Cas…. That’s why he looked so upset… yeah, he was…” Dean swallowed hard, stepping backward with a hand rubbing the back of his neck, “he did say… he did ask… yeah, I am a fucked-up person making him feel like that…”

“Dean…” Sam tried to take a step towards his brother but his movement only made Dean beat his legs into sprinting back to his car and pulling the door shut. “Dean—where are you going!?”

“M’gonna tell Cas…” Dean replied as keys turned the engines on, eyes straight ahead, decided and determined, “I’m done fooling around. I’ll apologize properly and tell him… to forget everything….”

“Dean, wait— _Dean!”_

But the impala skidded from the driveway onto the paved road, leaving Sam cursing under his name while putting both hands on his hips, watching his brother’s car disappear on the corner with a heavy frown on his face. How did he actually think positively that Dean would see it his way? That he and Cas should just hit it off? This was _Dean Winchester_ he was talking to. Sam should’ve known better and now because of his meddling, it seems like Cas will get the short end of the straw once again.

* * *

_“Just my luck. Here I was, minding my own business and out of nowhere decided to drop by the Winchesters to say hi and what do I find? The fallen angel I had been looking for.”_

Cas shivered uncontrollably. Ketch had just pulled a dagger with familiar Enochian symbols on the blade from his coat pocket with a placid look on his face. It will hurt, he thought decidedly, already feeling the hot searing pain of the blade on his skin. It would take a lot of work for it to heal with his kind of body, that was for sure and Cas hoped he could avoid adding damage to his already hurt vessel. Yet, looking at Ketch, the angel knew it was futile to hope. The British assassin was still the very meaning of his profession in his dark suit with his face perfectly devoid of emotion. But his dark eyes spoke plentiful of his experience and his hands that traced the sharp blade conveyed his mastery of this craft, like it was natural, like he could slice someone’s stomach open and still have the same unaffected expression.

Castiel couldn’t help the tug of fear in his chest that made swallowing difficult. He eyed the enochian blade warily, his fist clenching behind him, feeling the angel cuffs sticking on his wrist, burning his skin to prevent him from using his already drained energy. Not to mention, his injured shoulder felt raw on his side. He struggled on his cuffs the moment he woke up but the sudden movement had him gasping in pain. Ketch had raised an eyebrow at him but something told the angel he shouldn’t reveal about his injury to the assassin who reeked with blood and tainted soul it was like looking at a gray silhouette shrouded with black dusts that screams of death. _Will Ketch kill him?_

_Calm down…_

“What’s the matter? Too afraid of what’s going to happen next?” Ketch smirked with dark eyes glinting as he stood not a foot away from the angel who turned his flickering blue eyes up to meet the British assassin’s dead ones. He watched as Ketch cleaned the blade using a pristine white handkerchief, before turning on the side table and leaving the weapon there. Ketch kept his eyes locked on him too and though he initially looked blank, his eyes were very much pleased, almost nasty expression was on his face that kept Castiel alert on his every move. “You seem to be at the end of your netters? The Winchester brothers must’ve tortured you well enough. Naturally, Dean must’ve enjoyed every moment of it if you’re trembling like that, halo. Not all angels break that easy, but these are the Winchesters we’re talking about.”

Castiel felt his tongue clip on the top of his mouth at the mere thought, but something registered that didn’t make sense and the angel decided to build his trust on that. Licking his cold lips, his black hair plastered wet on his face, Cas replied in his deep, terse voice, “They… Sam and… _Dean_ didn’t torture me…” he had to push Dean’s name out, his breathing too far from calm. He struggled on the chair again and cursed himself at the stubbornness when pain shot up on his shoulder.

“Like they didn’t.” Ketch’ accent gave Castiel headache as the man removed his black coat and carefully folded it on the table, before proceeding on pulling his sleeves up, eyes on the angel, “You don’t look too convincing, Castiel. You look like you’ve been run over by a truck a hundred times and ripped by alligators then fed to vultures. If that isn’t the work of Sam and Dean Winchester then I don’t know whose handiwork it is. And _I’ve worked with demons.”_

“ _Don’t even compare Sam and Dean to demons!”_ Cas was enraged at the mere idea that this man thought Sam and Dean were capable of such heinous act. “Stop saying their names with your foul mouth or I swear I’ll rip your tongue out.”

Ketch raised surprised eyebrows. “That is interesting. After what you’ve been through in their hands, you’re still their loyal pet? Aren’t you some piece of work, angel?”

“What do you want?” Cas said through clenched teeth, his impatience at the ordeal showing as he exhausts his grace to heal the grazing of the bullet on his flesh. The moment Ketch finished with his sleeve, he turned towards his jackknife before stepping towards the angel. He leveled down on Cas, their noses almost inches apart the angel could almost smell his breath. Pressing his lips tight, Cas did his best to keep his blue eyes intent and determined not to show any weakness, which was proving to be difficult in his current cold and shuddering body.

“I already said it,” Ketch smiled, a kind that didn’t reach his eyes as it roamed around Cas’ face, probably thinking of the best places to start slicing, his voice apathetic. “I want you to tell me where the Nephilim is.”

“I don’t know.” Cas’ answer was already written on tombstone. Ketch smiled grimly.

“Of course you do. You’re the last recorded creature to be seen with him. The entire hunter world knows how the Winchester had been looking for you monsters for months. I’ve only just found out about Mary’s death and I…” Cas saw it appear in his eyes— _affection he had been trying to conceal—_ but as quick as it came, it was gone the next second replaced by pure emptiness of a human who could do anything and everything at once. It was a very disturbing expression of menace. Cas couldn’t help the exhale that left his lips. Ketch obviously knew what he was doing as a smirk appeared on his face again, his eyes that of a devil. “I want to know where the nephilim is and you can walk out of this place with your life.”

 “You really think I’m afraid of you enough to betray somebody I care about?”

“Yes.” Ketch nodded with mouth puckering. “You’re a fallen angel after all.”

Castiel’s blue eyes steeled. _“Then fuck off.”_

“Mmm… dirty.” Ketch nodded slowly, “I was hoping you’d say that. Typical angel. Just for fun fact— _you do know we torture angel in the British Men of Letters on daily basis?”_ with that, Cas felt something sharp pass his face upward as Ketch skillfully jerked the dagger up the angel’s shirt, cutting it in the middle so clean the threads didn’t even string out as it exposed Cas’ bare upper body.

Cas looked down his chest, worried for a second that he had been opened as well with his grace leaving, but saw no trace of damage. He hadn’t grasped the idea a second when the next thing, Ketch grabbed his neck with his left hand, then jerked his head forcefully to the right and exposing much of his sore left side under the open light. He felt Ketch’ scrutiny as the British assassin removed the last piece of clothing hiding the rest of his skin and made a satisfied sound at what he saw hidden beneath.

“Ah. I’m betting this is Dean Winchester’s handiwork. Sam is capable but I could never see him harming an old acquaintance.” Castiel squared his jaw as he felt Ketch’s dirty hands touch his already damaged skin, admiring the work with relish as it moved from the angel’s neck, down to his chest then up to his shoulder where Ketch’s thumb lingered on the distorted dried skin. “Dean on the other hand is capable of everything if he only knew he could do it at liberty—not held back by whatever principle his father has pounded on him. That man has superior skills but why he missed your heart is a mystery to me. I suppose he enjoys seeing you suffer?”

Cas swallowed hard, his adam’s apple locking on Ketch’s palm, feeling the assassin’s thumb firm on his jaw. He wanted nothing but to throw the man away from his body, away from the closeness where he could almost feel the man leaning intentionally. He wanted to get away but all he could do was breath hard at the boiling anger at the pit of his stomach.

“Dean didn’t… he wouldn’t hurt me…” he found his strangled voice saying.

Ketch looked down at him with an arched eyebrow.

“Castiel, you bloody martyr. I’ve heard a lot about you from other angels when we torture them, some of them clearly ready to spill everything about your so-called _love for humanity_ , while others are quick to defend you. But I never thought your loyalty to Dean Winchester had no bounds. The man wants you dead and you still sing praises to his name like he’s your god.” He paused, then sneeringly added, “The other angels are right. You are a new kind of fallen who fell in love with a man. _You are unsavable._ Yet… what sinful angel is not appealing?”

He took his time rubbing his other thumb on Cas’ jaw with a flicker of something like greed in his eyes while the angel tried to move away from his touch. He felt the man’s desire grow despite his weakened state with his touch turning into lazy circles on Cas’ chin, sending shivers down the trembling angel when he saw Ketch’s fixated eyes lowering down to his lips, travelling down his exposed neck. Cas hauled his chin away in disgust.

“Keep your hands off me.” He hissed defiantly.

Ketch suddenly jerked Castiel’s face forward, his hand catching the angel’s chin again. They eyed each other with unmistakable dislike—the angel’s blue orbs filling with so much loathing and pain he directed to a human for the first time while the British assassin’s black remained empty.

 “Good. We’re on the same page. But why do you insist the Winchesters won’t want you dead?” Ketch then murmured, his fingers on Cas’ injured shoulder pressing tight on the skin it took the angel a bite on his lower lip not to cry. “You were instrumental in the death of their mother. Of course they want you dead. I know I do.”

Cas felt his eyes swim with tears when Ketch dug a finger on the hole of his injured shoulder. But his scream of anguish was for _Mary_. He told himself to hold it, that it was no time to show weakness but the sudden thought of Mary Winchester’s death being partly his responsibility rang in his guilt. Hot tears fell on his cheeks that earned a disgusted look on Ketch who in turn clamped his hand on Cas’ mouth, effectively covering his nose and shutting down the angel’s emotions of grief. Leveling down on Cas, the British assassin almost clawed his hand on Cas’ face with demented eyes.

“Oh no, halo. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to feel sorry for Mary Winchester’s demise. You see, you can see her up there in heaven… but for the likes of us… for the likes of _me,_ this earth is the only ground where I could meet her. Seeing hell with my own eyes, I know exactly where I belong. You took that away from me and if you don’t want to be a piece of charcoal on the floor, you’d tell me where the Nephilim is or you would not like the next position you will be the next time you said no.”

Ketch licked his lips with meaning as his hungry eyes took in the angel’s bare body before removing his palm on the angel’s mouth—only to have Castiel spitting on his face.

 _“Bite me.”_ Cas retorted with vigor he was proud to say had always been inside him in the middle of tight situation. Ketch reached his free hand on his own left cheek where Cas’ spit landed, then without warning from his dead eyes, he slapped the angel with the back of his hand. Cas felt his neck crack at the force, his brain freezing at the numbness it shot when his head whirled on his side, taking him by surprise.

“I’d gladly do so but biting you isn’t the only thing I’m capable,” Ketch said with a malicious smile across his lips, his hand jerking Cas bloody chin back from the busted bottom lip to his direction and meeting the angel’s glinting blue eyes. “I’ve always known you were one tough cookie, halo, and frankly I’m not really that averse in making you suffer. You did after all, worked against me many times in the past. I only let you get away because the Winchesters always make it hard to reach you. If you think you being an angel stopped me from coming after you, then you’re greatly mistaken. I do not fear demons or angels. But the Winchesters… Dean especially, can make the hairs of my body stand on ends. I suppose, you can call it _instinct of one predator to another.”_

 _“I said don’t even… Dean is nothing like you!”_ Castiel pushed forward, unmindful of his arms still locked on his chair and the pain in his shoulder. Fire erupted in his eyes for _how dare this man even put himself on the same pedestal as Dean Winchester?_ “Dean will never be on the same low level as you!”

“I did say he has principles, didn’t I?” Ketch remarked, grabbing a fistful of Castiel’s hair and with a jolting pain on the angel’s scalp, pulled his head backward. “But he’s not on your side anymore. Clearly I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Ketch’s eyes fell on the angel’s exposed neck with veins running along the skin, his dark eyes leering at the angel who sensed his intention much clearer this time. Cas hissed as he bit his lip causing it to bleed further. Ketch paused for a second as he watched the trickle of blood slid down the angel’s jaw line, down to his waiting neck. That seemed to seal Ketch’s mind as he continued blankly, “You do know how to present yourself to assassins, don’t you, halo? Besides, someone has to do something about your damnable loud mouth. It’d be amusing to hear screams coming out of there, I do enjoy the pretty lips if I wasn’t afraid of getting bitten. But there are other ways.”

Castiel frowned at Ketch’s sudden excitement when the man dragged him up and out of the chair with arms sliding out of the wooden back. He was manhandled like a rag doll until he felt himself get slammed on to the stone wet floor. Castiel cried out in pain even though his uninjured side hit the floor first, the impact was enough to send shivers to his other one, his mind shutting down to all the pain it was receiving enough to make him lose consciousness. But he couldn’t, he told himself. _He must not pass out with Ketch upon him!_  

He felt Ketch walk around him, felt his own impulse to crawl away and flee fill his mind. But his body wouldn’t listen as it curled around him in agony, his breathing stopping at the first touch of Ketch’s hand on both his shoulder. He gasped in pain as the man forcefully pinned him down on his stomach with face planted on the cold floor. He felt Ketch climb on top of him with his weight was on Cas’ thighs, trapping him down while his right hand pushed Castiel’s cuffed wrist upwards, his other free hand on the angel’s waist.

“I suppose…” he whispered as he leaned down Cas’ right ear who struggled under him, “to unforgettable pain and pleasure then?” he bit Castiel’s ear that had the angel squirming as he realized what was about to happen.

Cas felt dread crawl in his body as he felt his own vessel scream at the loathing touches that burned his insides. The British Assassin traced the angel’s back with his free hand gripping on the muscles it could find, then lining up on his spine with forefinger, before reaching up on the tensed muscles he imagined where the angel’s wings were supposed to be. Cas let out an audible gasp as his heart pounded.

“You do not need to be concerned; I know what an angel likes.” Ketch muttered, flexing his palms on the angel’s shoulder and then to another, “and frankly it’s all the humiliation it brings to both humans and angels afterwards that makes it so effective. Some angels leave their vessels for good. I wonder if you’d do the same? I heard you’ve been pretty much attached to this body, it’s basically yours.”

Something wet nipped at the back of his neck as Ketch kissed his nape and Cas froze. His body trembled at each passing touch of the assassin’s hands and yet all Castiel could think of was Dean kicking the door open and saving him from this nightmare. _Nightmare Dean._ The thought almost had Cas chuckling if not for the hands all over his waist. No. There was no more Nightmare Dean. _Just Dean._

He remembered the last time they had spoken. Dean had looked guilty when he left him after one of those kisses where he still couldn’t decide what to make of their relationship. Yet Cas felt equally guilty. He had said he wouldn’t force his feelings to Dean. He said he wouldn’t make Dean uncomfortable but asking the hunter _what they were_ seemed to be the opposite of _not forcing._ True, he indulged Dean with the kisses, only because it seemed uncontrollable, spontaneous and _free_. He was the first one to kiss Dean without consent anyway, so he let Dean return the favor. The second time caught him off guard, but Dean seemed happy. The third time, Castiel was filled with unknown want from the man and ended up making Dean look bad. Castiel had felt guilty since then. He knew Dean would never change his mind and berated himself for making him feel responsible. He just wished he didn’t hurt Dean unnecessarily. He wished to get out of this situation without having Dean feel the weight of responsibility again because he was sure Dean would make everything happening to Castiel right now his fault. The man has serious self- damnation when it came to things he cared about. Castiel could just remember Dean’s heartbreaking confession about not leaving him in purgatory. Of Dean distorting his own memory so he could blame himself. Yes, that was Dean. Because Dean cared and Castiel knew without a doubt that Dean cares about him deeply even more now that’s why he must never give in.

Whatever Ketch does to him now… he will make sure Dean wouldn’t have to suffer. He fought against his cuffs, fought against Ketch’s weight and even fought against the pain on his shoulder. Unfortunately, his grace had run out that at the sudden jerk of his shoulder blades, the angel let out a pained cry that had Ketch peering at him with raised eyebrows.

“I know I’m good, but that clearly is not because of me. Did you just dislocate your shoulder? You’re really living up to your name, halo. The names those angels called you clearly isn’t just for fame.” He muttered, running his free hand up his back after stroking Castiel’s skinny ass, earning another gasp from the angel when Ketch’s thumb landed on a weird protruding bone. “What the bloody hell is this?”

Castiel couldn’t help the sobs now as Ketch’s fingers picked on the shape of the bullet digging from his inside. Pain fired inside his muscles as the metal dug deep inside him, tearing away any healed flesh at the awkward way his arms were forcefully stretched above his head. Next thing, he felt Ketch’s hand leave his wrists, but he was too exhausted and numb to move with breathing taking all his energy.

“A bullet?” he heard Ketch murmured from somewhere but Cas was trying to call any graces that had built in his body. He had to exhaust all means to escape even if it meant killing himself in the process. He couldn’t stay helpless all the time waiting for Sam, Dean or Jack. Mustering his energy, everything was forgotten when Castiel felt the tip of a blade slice through his skin.

Instincts kicked Castiel hard as he realized he was being cut from the back with Ketch on top of him, both arms on the angel’s shoulder blades to keep him from thrashing around. An awful scream left Castiel’s throat that filled the Bunker. His movements became frenzied as he desperately clawed the floor to get out. His legs and toes stretched under Ketch’s weight, but Ketch didn’t stop even with blood and grace dripping out of the cut he made. Zeroing on the bullet’s sharp edge, he continued his ministration with avid fixation. Castiel screamed at the top of his voice, his deep voice cracking at the excruciating pain, his body trembling with fingers bleeding from the effort, his eyes tight shut and tears streamed down to his neck. The pain of his tearing skin, tearing muscles and burning flesh… _it was all too much…_

Castiel’s vision darkened, then all sounds were gone.

“What the hell made you keep this inside your body, halo?” Ketch muttered as he found he couldn’t get the knife closer to the object. He could slice the flesh around it but every time it touches the bullet, it was as if an invisible barrier was there, preventing any kind of extraction. Frowning but obviously curious, the assassin turned to the angel once more. “What is this bullet? Hey—halo?”

But there was no response. Tutting, Ketch pulled on Castiel’s shoulder so the angel was on his back to the ground. He found the angel deathly pale and unconscious. His dark locks were still sticking on his wet face, his expression beaten and worn out with the corner of his eyelids red and darkening. Still too interested with the weapon, he studied Cas’ blackened shoulder and touched the dried bullet hole. He had seen many injuries and this looked similar to any kinds of shot wounds, but the bullet apparently was quite special. Was it cursed by a witch? Was it something the American hunters were keeping as a trump card against monsters? Or was this something only angels were affected? So the Winchesters managed to find another way to kill the feathery beings? Understandable. They must’ve hated the angels more now after what happened to their mother.

Ketch’s hands travelled on Castiel’s throat while his mind was somewhere else. That was when his fingers felt a small mark under the angel’s right jaw. Glancing down, Ketch traced a reddening mark of what appeared to be a simple lip suctioning. The assassin looked thoughtfully at it. So, this was not the angel’s first time? The mark clearly looked fresh so it could only mean that one of the Winchesters had _fun_ with the angel meat not long ago.

With a smirk, the assassin instantly knew which one: _it most definitely was Dean Winchester._

Then Ketch froze and pulled his hand away as if burned, his eyes gluing on the inevitable mark. He recalled arriving in the Bunker using the spare key Mary used to own to get in and spy on the Winchesters for information, even surprised them if they caught him. But it was him who got the surprise of his life as his eyes fell on the fallen angel, quietly and most absorbedly reading books on the corner without any sign of expecting any attack.

Strange. And he was wearing what Ketch now remembers to be a shirt owned by the older Winchester. Castiel didn’t look like he was a captive at all, in fact, he looked like someone who had been generously taken care of… and made to feel safe. Ketch’s eyes lingered on the mark with dawning comprehension appearing on his usually plain face. Slowly, he got on his feet and put both hands on his waist, his eyes shutting down with a curse flying out of his lips.

_“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”_

* * *

Ketch opened the backseat of his black car with steady hands, the unconscious angel flung on his shoulder. He kept a good eye around his surrounding, aware that no one was around to witness the smuggle of a celestial being in the afternoon light. Though frankly he had done things much shadier, but the value of this angel seemed to outweigh almost anything he had done.

Because right there and then he found out he had just laid hands on _Dean Winchester’s angel._ Ketch had reminded himself never to mix with anything that belonged to Dean Winchester ever since he learnt to respect the hunter for his skills. And now these said skills he had been carefully trying to avoid seem to be all aiming towards him that all he could do was put miles between them in order to gain advantage, kidnap the angel for bargain and then earn back his life.

Because as a rule, no one messes with Dean Winchester’s property. Ketch calmly opened the door and dropped Castiel on the backseat. The angel was light and still unconscious with his bloody shoulder Ketch had professionally wrapped using half of his torn shirt. He picked up the angel’s other torn half and ripped it away to clean his own blood-stained hands. It would not do to leave any traces that he was here. He was careful not to spill any blood on the Bunker floor. All he had to do was go back in and get the camera footage to cover everything, then maybe the Winchesters will assume the angel just disappeared on his own accord. He stared at the angel’s unconscious form and couldn’t help smiling smugly despite his situation.

“Yes. I can understand the appeal.” He said, running a hand on the angel’s bare chest. Lights flashing on his right side had him withdrawing his hand quickly, he crawled out of the car, just as a sound of another car door snapping shut jolted him back and look around.

Only to find himself face to face with Dean Winchester who was walking towards him with a scowl on his face, his infamous impala parked just behind Ketch’s black car.

“What are you doing here?” the hunter growled without any affection when once upon a time, Ketch had been one of his allies to rescue Mary. Ketch had the urgency to remind him that.

“Lo’, speak of the devil.” Ketch said and glad was he of the training he’s had with the British Men of Letters. He was the perfect example of calm. Dean turned behind him as if expecting Lucifer to pop out before he stopped just in front of the assassin with a raised eyebrow.

“Y’know that’s like a taboo around here?” Dean’s face continued eyeing him like a hawk, completely full of open distrust with a stance almost ready to pick a fight. Very much Dean Winchester for everybody. “What the hell are you doing here, Ketch? Didn’t we tell you stop sneaking around without notice? This is a hunter’s lair, you can get killed.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, I’m not here to die.” _Yet._ Ketch plastered a smile that Dean obviously didn’t buy. He was glad he had perfectly worn his black suit to cover the bloodstains and was glad his sleeve cuffs were clean off blood because he pulled them back before doing his chore. Nothing for Dean Winchester to find suspicious. He calculated about fifteen minutes escape time before the hunter finds out what happened inside his home—until Dean’s snarling voice called him back to earth.

“Why’s your door handle bloody, _Ketch?”_

Ketch’s eyes fell on the door handle where blood stains were visible. _Alright, five minutes before he dies._ He turned carefully at the Winchester brother, mind jumping if he should reach for his gun or dagger but knowing Dean was just as skilled in close combat as he, he decided against it at such close proximity. It didn’t help that sudden understanding sprang in the hunter’s eyes as his mind quickly pieced things together. What more with the piece of shirt Ketch had been using as a rug burning on the Winchester’s memory—

A memory Dean was only too familiar with as it was the last shirt he remembered Cas wearing when he peeked inside the angel’s room before leaving to get the boxes of milk from the shop. The thought of it now in pieces, bloody and in the hands of that person Dean would never trust with his angel erupted something beastly inside him. Without another word, he knocked Ketch off his feet with an angry roar and quickly opened the backseat door, hoping that he was wrong.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw Castiel’s sprawled body on the car seat, unconscious and bloody.

“Cas!” Dean’s voice shook with eyes wide in shock. He quickly reached for the angel’s head, hands cupping Castiel’s cold cheeks as he tried to rouse him to no avail. _“Cas!”_

But Castiel remained unresponsive. Dean’s mouth dropped open further when his eyes roved around his friend’s beaten form from his busted lip, naked upper body, to the blackening blood siphoned on the piece of cloth on his shoulder. Dean understood everything as he touched the angel’s red wrists from the handcuffs, his wide, lost eyes pulling back to Ketch who had managed to get on his feet and look at him warily.

Ketch knew a monster when he saw one.

Without warning, Dean lunged at him in full force, his actions wild, untamed and filled with rage that made his movements incalculable even to the assassin. Dean slammed his fist on Ketch but it was never satisfying. He followed it with another, his fist hungry for the British man’s blood. He could only see red as in his mind as he remembered Castiel in the car, hurt and unprotected. The very idea that he was hurt woke something demonic in the hunter who pounded his fist on Ketch’s nose, slammed the base of his palm on his jaw and just landed everything he could muster on the perpetrator. Ketch barely managed to dodge the fury of his kick when the assassin dropped on the ground and rolled away. Dean hissed, another wave of anger filling him at the thought of Ketch taking Castiel away— _he was fucking going to kidnap Cas and do godknows what to his angel!?_

Revulsion and hate had Dean grabbing his gun and pointing it at the kneeling Ketch who raised both hands, his face bloody and wounded, in surrender. Dean could not—he would not forgive—as he turned the lock of the gun.

“Woah, Dean Winchester, this—this is a misunderstanding. I did not do anything untoward to the angel—”

 _“Fuck you. You die tonight.”_ Dean snarled angrily, finger on the trigger with eyes flashing dangerously. “You don’t touch, Cas! You don’t touch him— _you come near him again I’ll fucking rip your head off!”_

“Okay, okay!” Ketch freezes his palms on the air, feeling the itch on his swollen face, “As long as you let me off this time, I won’t ever come after halo. But this is a mistake—all this time I thought you want him dead after his hand in Mary’s death—"

Dean’s right foot collided with Ketch’s jaw. The assassin stumbled backwards, hands clutching his bleeding mouth while Dean pointed the gun on his temple again.

“ _You don’t say her name. You keep away from Cas.”_ His growling voice was full of warning and if Ketch wanted to preserved his life, he had to keep his mouth shut for he was sure the next time he spoke will seal his death certificate. Not for the first time. Hands lowering down to his knees, Ketch nodded quietly and bowed his head.

_So, this was how Mary Winchester was to be forgotten?_

A soft groan suddenly broke out from the car. Dean’s intense rage broke instantly into concern as he looked behind him—an opening Ketch had been looking for as he tackled the man with his broad shoulder knocking the gun out of Dean’s hands. Dean roared in his ears as they strangled each other, his back hitting the car as he tried to keep Ketch off himself. Ketch gutted him, then sent a knee on Dean’s stomach. The hunter slid down to the ground with a hiss, then found Ketch’s legs and sent a kick on his ankle, successfully crashing the man on the ground. Then Dean was upon him, crushing his knuckles on Ketch’s already bloody face.

Dean was too absorbed taking out his justified anger on the assassin to notice a feeble presence stand behind him. Only when he heard him gasp did the hunter turn around to see the thin frame of Castiel running at the end of the road, carrying his injured body ineptly, almost tripping on weak legs before disappearing into the thick trees.

 _“_ Cas? _Oh shit!”_ Dean stumbled on his legs and went after the angel.

* * *

Castiel felt his knees buckle the moment he became fully aware that he was actually running. Dazed and with visions blurry, the angel huffed and dropped in the middle of nowhere among the trees, feeling the extent of his body’s damage and limit as finally, he instinctively admitted he could run no more. Intense pain shook him the moment he did, his heart hammering inside his chest wildly like he was being chased. Because he was. His mind could still not make ends of anything except for the pain on his shoulder and the unmistakable man hunting him. Reaching for his injured side, Castiel felt cloth around it tightly. But fear struck the angel as he wrapped his mind on something else.

The bullet pain. The gun. _Dean Winchester._

He blinked his wet eyes as he looked around him, half expecting Dean to appear in the middle of the trees. He recognized the scene. This was just like many of his dreams with the tall, unwinding trees with thick leaves not letting any lights in its murky ground. The only thing left was for his nightmare Dean to appear. Castiel stifled a sob as he looked down his hand and saw he was holding a gun. It came as no surprise to him; he found the gun on the ground when he stepped out of the car. There were voices back there and he knew he saw the back of Dean Winchester that had him fleeing for his life out of habit. He gripped the gun tight and sent a silent prayer to heaven, especially when he heard Dean Winchester’s voice.

It was Dean. Dean was calling him.

The angel had no energy, had no will to scramble on his feet. His legs were like lead. Hopelessly, he let air in and out of his lungs, trying to collect the faded memories of his present time. But he felt it when Dean came in the vicinity. Heard Dean’s familiar footfalls as the man began walking straight to where he was seated on the ground. Castiel lifted his face and was overcome with disbelief when he saw how close Dean was beating the distance out of them. Dean who looked determined. Dean who looked angry. He was sure Dean will be close enough to strangle him in seconds.

Without warning, Castiel did what his body willed him to do. He raised the gun if only to stop Dean Winchester’s attempt to reach for him. He saw his own hand shook, felt his throat dry and his head struggle to keep himself conscious—but it was to his terror to see that Dean Winchester did not even give a second to pause or stop at all. No, he was still trudging on the distance with an unfazed expression, getting closer and closer. Castiel slipped his hand on the trigger, his eyes wide in shock and horror. _He had to kill Dean._

Castiel felt numb for a second, his eyes widening at the thought.

Before he could comprehend what was happening, there was Dean in front of him undeterred by the gun and Castiel muttered his name in anguish, in longing and in weakness that came out as a whimper. Dean reacted and grabbed him close— the gun falling on the soil forgotten. Dean’s arms were around him, his broad body pressed on the angel’s head as Dean pulled him close, gathering him into his arms, locking him into every space he could keep any space out, one hand at the back of Castiel’s head, the other wrapped tightly around his good shoulder.

Castiel breathed his scent, filling his mind with his memory and the cried silently when he realized what he nearly did with the gun on his hand. He reached out and clutched Dean’s shoulder, his teeth gritted, eyes tightly close, his nose on Dean’s neck, nuzzling so close and wanting nothing but to never be part from him again.

“Stupid…” Cas grumbled when he found his husky voice, “ _I could’ve killed you, Dean…_ that was stupid…”

Dean bowed his head with lips on the angel’s ears. “It’ll take more than a gun to keep me away from you, Cas. I won’t ever let go of you ever again. I need you, Cas. _I need you with me.”_

It was Castiel’s remaining thoughts when darkness took over him again.

* * *

There was an echo of pain somewhere far…

When the angel opened his eyes next, he was inside his dark room hours later with the clock striking two in the morning. It was in there where he found Dean Winchester on the side of the bed, sitting on the floor and watching over him with his green eyes open and expressive. Castiel locked his gaze with him and he could have spent eternity just staring at Dean’s eyes if not for the man opening his lips. Then Cas realized he could have spent another eternity just watching Dean move his lips.

“Hey,” he said with a lace of affection. Castiel felt his heart swell. Especially when he noticed his entwined hands with Dean’s on the side of the bed. Cas was leaning on his good shoulder. “How are you feelin? Do you want to eat?”

“I’m fine.” Whispered the angel, eyes on their hands. _He was more than fine…_ and he conveyed that as he stared up at Dean’s face. He noticed some scrapes reddening on Dean’s perfect jawline and under his eyes. Cas frowned, just as pain shot up from the corner of his body but it didn’t seem necessary to be concerned all of a sudden. “What happened?”

“Sam patched up your shoulder… he thinks you’ll need time healing again. Does it hurt?”

“Why does Sam have to patch me up?”

“You don’t remember?”

Cas blinked slowly and parted his lips to answer but nothing came. Dean rubbed the back of his hand entwined with his, sending warmth to Castiel’s body. He realized he was freezing even under the thick blanket propelled against him. He gave Dean a questioning look when memories flashed before him, making him frown and try to reach for his itching shoulder, but Dean’s hand prevented him from pulling away. Dean held his gaze meaningfully and Cas did the same.

They stayed like that for a long while, Dean’s head resting on the edge of the bed, his chin on top of his other hand. Cas studied him for a moment, wondering what it the man wanted to say. He could always sense Dean and he was glad some of his grace was working now. He could heal the man anytime.

“Are you okay, Dean?”

“You’re in no position to worry about me…” Dean whispered, eyes lingering on Castiel’s face, the angel felt himself flush at the attention. “Worry about yourself, man…”

“No dice.” Castiel grumbled that had the man’s eyes rounding for a second, “I’m your angel, Dean. I’m always going to worry about you first.”

Dean half chuckled and half whimpered, before he planted a kiss at the back of Cas’ hand he was holding. The angel stared struck as Dean circled his thumb on the part where his lips landed, his expressive green eyes on the angel again, full of unmistakable devotion and love.

“What am I going to do with you, Cas?” he whispered, much more to himself than the angel, and Cas saw his eyes fill with unimaginable weight of guilt that had been within ever since they met. “Cause I sure hell don’t know anymore… I’m… I’m a wreck, Cas… I… please just tell me what to do with you… what to do with myself… cause I’m scared as hell to lose you…” he bowed his head in silent agony and it took everything in Castiel not to reach for him, his body almost rising on its own when he felt his hand do what his body could not. He gripped Dean’s hand with what strength he could muster.

_“Stay.”_

Dean stopped, then slowly raised his head. He found the deep blue eyes of his friend staring at him quietly. Castiel pulled Dean’s hand towards him, his voice firm and half pleading.

“Please stay with me, Dean.”

It took Dean a moment to respond, and when he did, he could only nod his head and raise on the floor to kneel and plant his wet lips on Castiel’s temple. “Yeah… yeah, I’ll do that.”

Castiel heaved a relieved sigh out as Dean sat the edge of the bed, stroking the angel’s head gently. Castiel closed his eyes and clung on Dean’s presence. But then he had to open his eyes with another heavy sigh.

“What’s the matter?” Dean asked in concern as Castiel tried to wriggle his body but failed to move at all. There were like five linen of top of him, the other thicker than the last. Castiel grumbled.

“Blanket.” Muttered the angel with slight vexation as he gave the man a narrowed look. “I don’t need much blanket, Dean. I am cold… I know you and Sam have preferences to number of layers but this is just ridiculous. You could just tie me and it would make no difference.”

A faint smile appeared at the corner of Dean’s lips. The next second he was putting away half the layer off the angel’s body. Cas relaxed a little with his free hand waiting for Dean to hold outside the remaining blanket but seconds had passed and the hunter never showed himself. Cas opened his eyes and didn’t see Dean on his line of sight. He was resting on his right side, his left shoulder raised to avoid any pressure and couldn’t turn easily to see what Dean was doing at all.

“Dean?” he called quietly and was about to crane his neck when he felt movements behind him. Dean had clambered on the bed and slipped inside the covers behind Cas. Next thing, he was wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist as he lay behind him, his nose on the angel’s dark hair, his broad shoulder covering Castiel’s back. The angel tensed at their contact, particularly when Dean pulled him close, his back pressing on Dean’s middle. Dean snuggled close and Castiel finally relaxed under his embrace with Dean’s legs wrapping around his own closely.

“Is this fine? Are you still cold?” came Dean’s rumbling voice right on his ear and Cas felt a sweep of something pleasurable slink at the pit of his stomach. Dean’s warm hands remained on his middle. Cas blinked to himself and shook his head.

“N-no… it’s fine. This is highly… recommended.”

He felt Dean chuckle just above his neck and had to close his eyes shut. Dean was so close to him, Dean was embracing his body, Dean was happily wrapped around him… Castiel didn’t think such happy place existed other than their impulsive kisses and intense gazes. He didn’t think—

“You have to relax more.” Dean’s wet lips was on his nape as he pulled Cas even closer, the muscles of his stomach caving at the pressure, “I know it’ll take time getting used to… but we gonna keep this Cas. Am not letting you out of my arms anymore, babe.”

Castiel cursed himself for not being able to turn his body at will. He realized he wanted to kiss Dean. He wanted more to do with Dean but his disabled body was a curse. So instead, he let out a long sigh, placing his arms on top of Dean’s across his body and pressing himself back to the warm body of his partner.

“I think I can get used to this.” Castiel felt Dean’s sudden doubt reverberating from his body. That scared him a little. “Dean?”

“You’re not afraid of me anymore?” whispered the hunter with some hesitation. Castiel listened to his rhythmic breathing before pressing his lips and closing his eyes. He knew Dean meant his trauma. He knew Dean will always feel guilty about it. He had to be honest with Dean.

“The only thing I’m afraid more than seeing you chasing me with a gun on your hand, Dean,” came Castiel’s honest to god low voice, “is you walking away and telling me you don’t care about me anymore. I suppose that’s the real root of my night mares… when you told me in heartbeat that I was dead to you… and that you don’t care… I think… you chasing in my dream is my way of… making myself hate you. To justify the pain you had me went through. That’s all there is Dean. So no… I’m no longer afraid of you as long as you keep me in your arms like this.” He ran his able hand on the hunter’s arms and squeeze it.

Silence fell around him. Cas could only hear Dean breathing. He called his man’s name and in turn, only to realize Dean was cursing behind him, his chest heaving, his body tensed and in flames.

“God, I want to kiss you.” He grumbled, trying to control his hands. Castiel flushed red and was glad he wasn’t looking at Dean. He only realized how compromising their positions were but he liked it anyway.

“That is… problematic.”

“Tell me about it. We have to get you heal soon, Cas… promise me you’ll do everything not to waste your mojo on anything or on anyone, y’hear?”

Cas smiled and nodded with Dean’s reassuring grip around him, already aware how the minute Dean had embraced him, he had already used his grace to relieve Dean’s pain and erase his cuts without the man’s consent.

“Of course.” He muttered without meaning to as in his mind he repeated the new words to chant instead of the habitual danger marks of Night mare Dean. _I’m his angel,_ Cas reasoned quietly with Dean snuggling close to him, _and now I’m more. We’re more._

His happy mood kept at bay Jack’s prayers echoing at the back of his mind telling him he was about to return.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little closer  
> Just a little closer  
> Come a little closer  
> I need you to hold me tonight


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this was a challenge of making longer chapters much longer each week, I’d sure come on top!  
> That’s what happens when you squeeze a story in an eight stanza song! My bad.  
> Shit will get real now though! 
> 
> This chapter is rated for Explicit Content! 
> 
> Come on, give me a YAY at the end of the chapter :) Enjoy burning!

Dean grunted in satisfaction as his consciousness drifted back from a very long, much needed sleep. He felt great, his shoulders lighter than he ever remembered and his nostrils fill with the sweetest scent in the air mixed with antiseptic and pain killers—

_Whoa, hold up—_

Dean wrinkled his nose. It was not an odd way to wake up for hunters who constantly gets injured on daily basis, but the smell worried him as he opened his eyes into the dark room. It didn’t take him long to realize there was another body with him on the bed. Again, that wasn’t out of normal but Dean was fully awake in seconds, worry washing his face. He saw white nape under his nose and realized how close he had been nuzzling at the back of his bedmate. Usually he never gets that comfortable, even when drunk. Then it hit him as he remembered the events hours ago. It didn’t take him long to smile to himself as he remembered this was Cas’ beside him, wrapped around his arms and fully his. The satisfaction it brought him to be this close felt too heavenly it was scary at the same time. Dean felt excitement burn at the pit of his stomach as he pulled Cas close to him, feeling the warm body against his. He felt a slight tingle in his stomach too. _Man, was this how turned on he’s been with Cas?_  A grin spread across his lips. The tingling didn’t stop, and Dean suddenly realized his arms were quite shaking too. He frowned. That wasn’t him.

“Cas?”

Cas felt hot on his arms. Or maybe it wasn’t just his arms because Castiel was definitely hot, and not like the usual praise ‘badass-angel-hot’ but skin burning hot that got Dean raising on his elbow to peer at his angel. He reached a hand on Cas’ good shoulder, feeling the angel’s warmth on his palm.

“Cas?” he squeezed on soft limb, only to find the angel shaking uncontrollably. _“Fuck—Cas!?”_

Dean scrambled to his feet, jumping on the other side of the bed to have a better look at Castiel. He flicked the lamp on and saw Castiel pale and sweating profusely with blue eyes wide open with a pool of lost in his dilated irises. The angel was shaking so badly, he was clutching on the blankets with claw-like fingers crossed across his chest. His chapped lips were dry and teeth chattering. When Dean took his cheeks on to his palms he was alarmed at how cold and clammy it was, his already panic mode rising immediately when Cas began convulsing.

 _“S-SAM!”_ Dean yelled, wrapping Cas into the blanket and cradling the angel close to his chest, holding his head firmly so it wouldn’t rattle too much, his uninjured shoulder pressed hard on Dean to provide the angel some warmth. Cas’ eyes closed tight afterwards, leaving his weak body shaking. The hunter’s brows contracted as he tried to keep Cas’ body still with some difficulty, being careful on the injured shoulder. Then Dean raised eyes to the closed door, his voice breaking a little in the middle of his shout, _“SAMMY!!!”_

Sam immediately came bounding looking putout, his alert eyes falling to his brother on the bed and then to Castiel’s failing form. In instant, the taller hunter had crossed the room looking aghast at the angel.

“Shit, Cas—”

 “What’s happening to him?” Dean mumbled, his eyes falling on Castiel’s quivering body, his hands protectively wrapped around the angel. “What’s wrong with him?” he shot a pleading look at his brother, hoping to find answers in Sam’s equally stunned look. _Do angels even get sick!?_

Sam took one look at Dean, and then reached a hand on Cas’ left shoulder. He peeled the blanket aside to find the dark, dried skin shining with sweat and yellowish liquid coming from the hole, the dead skin around it now purple and red. Sam hissed while Dean stared the wound dumbstruck.

“Sam—” he began hoarsely.

“It’s—it’s his grace,” Sam gritted his teeth as he took his phone and began dialing numbers, “he mentioned it before—his grace gets all used up trying to heal the bullet wound. But I didn’t realize he’ll get all this human thing—hang on, I’ll call Rowena—”

“Rowena? Who knows where around the world she is—! _Let’s bring him to the hospital!”_ Dean was about to stand up, clutching Cas with his heart thrashing inside his chest. He knew blood poisoning when he saw one.

“Dean, doctors _will_ remove the bullet!” Sam said in a warning tone, rendering his brother staring at him wordlessly. Then Dean looked hopelessly at Castiel, feeling an amount of guilt spread inside him. It was the bullet. The _bullet he shot again._ This was his fault. _Castiel was suffering because of him_. Dean felt something already broken shatter within his mind that had him bowing his head with eyes tightly closed, his nose on Cas’ eyes. He thought it was fine. _He thought they were fine._

“What do I do?” he asked brokenly as he glanced up at Sam who caught his eyes. _Why couldn’t it be him?_

“Just—calm down.” Sam gave him sympathetic eyes as if he understood then began talking to his phone when Rowena answered the call. Dean turned and embraced Cas closer to his body, as if gripping him close would lessen his pain, as if embracing him would protect Cas from all the pain which Dean knew wouldn’t and it broke him further.

“Cas…” he whispered, his own eyes filling with tears. Unpleasant things began filling his mind and Dean allowed them. This was his torture. He should never have allowed himself to be happy, he should never have believed he was good enough for Cas. How could he help the angel? Castiel had never been sick before as an angel, unless he was cursed. This was no curse; this was a bullet ingrained in his body by the same man holding him close. How could Cas not hate him? How could Cas still accept him? _How could Cas even tell him he loves him?_ The thought itself was enough to kill him.

He heard Sam talk to Rowena in pieces. Heard his brother explain Castiel’s situation. But Dean was doubtful she could help without asking for anything in return. Witches’ spells, crafty as they are held magic that always asks for a price. He wouldn’t risk Castiel’s life for it; but if it was something, he, Dean could do he would nab it. Whatever it was, Dean was sure he would do anything for it. He buried his head on the angel’s dark hair. _This was all his fault._

“Look—Rowena, he’s really weak right now. We need something that can recharge his grace. If we can find an angel—”

Dean growled at the thought and met Sam’s questioning eyes.

“Those angel dicks want Cas dead for killing some Dumah. Remember we ran into them months back? You think they’d really want to help Cas? They’d rather get rid of him and let him die for good.” His protective instincts bared as he pressed the shaking angel more to his body. “No, we aren’t asking any angels to come near him. If there’s anything, you ask Rowena to come here straight here and copy Lily’s enochian chant so I can burn a piece of my soul for Cas—”

Sam blinked at Dean. “ _Dude, what?”_

 _“It’s the only way!”_ Dean roared angrily, his eyes glinting in desperation.

Sam lowered the phone to his side looking disapprovingly at his brother. His tone was calm in comparison when he spoke. “Dean. You’re not going to take a piece of your soul. You know what it did to Lily and you know what happened to Jack—”

 _“I hardly see any other options on the table!”_ Dean shot back heatedly with unblinking eyes, “Tell me there’s another way and I’ll fucking do it, Sam! Anything! Right?” Sam stared at him with uncertain eyes. “So, unless you can provide another option I’m sticking to my soul. It has to be me.” He glanced down at Castiel’s ashen face with a curse slipping from his lips. “Fuck, _it has to be me to pay, not him.”_

Sam swallowed several times, eyes not leaving his brother. He stood still for a moment, until he heard Rowena calling his name from the mobile. Slowly he reached it back to his ears and sighed heavily as he replied to her questions. After a moment, Sam hung up and watched the two. Castiel’s spasm had passed to slight shivering but he didn’t look like someone waking up soon. Dean still looked distraught.

“Rowena said she’s on her way…how is he?” he said in the air, Dean not looking his way. Castiel was still burning.

“ _Peachy.”_

Sam wiped a palm on his face. “Okay. I’ve already asked her to come earlier anyway. I knew we’d need her, but not this soul burning, Dean. Okay?” He hesitated and Dean looked up, feeling his brother’s distress and found Sam giving him a hard look. “I already lost Jack’s soul, Dean. I’m not going through that again. We’ll help Cas, but there will be another way. I’ll see what I can prepare.” With that, the younger Winchester left the room, leaving Dean staring back at Castiel’s white face.

“Cas,” he whispered, dropping his head on the angel’s forehead and closing his eyes. “Please wake up for me, baby. Please… come back.” He sighed and pressed his head more against Cas, running his nose on his eyes, to his ears, feeling intoxicated by the scent of milk from his lips. “God, you have to wake up…” he murmured. Dean prayed. In Castiel’s name he did. And as if a response was given, the angel’s body suddenly became limp.

Dean opened his eyes and quickly raised himself to have a better look at the angel. Castiel had become very still it was as if he also had stopped breathing. His chest was no longer moving. Dean’s jaw trembled.

“Cas…?” it was a voice that didn’t belong to him. He gently shook the angel. Nothing. “Cas?”

Ten full heartbeats passed, even Dean had forgotten to breathe.

In his mind he’d been calling Castiel’s name over and over and over…

_“…what…?”_

Dean saw two set of blue orb eyes opened up to him looking grumpy under its hooded lids. Castiel closed them again, before opening them with much focus as it found Dean’s. His expression was still of agony, beads of sweat still on the side of his forehead, dry lips slightly open as it took needed air. But Cas seemed contemplative and slightly annoyed too it nearly broke Dean’s worry but no way he remembered breathing after that. Instead, he gently put the conscious angel on the bed, slipped out of its edge and dropped down the floor with a thud. His back on the bed, the hunter looked lost for a second, then came the quivering of his bottom lip. Before he knew it, he had pulled his knees on his chest, crossed both arms around his head and began silently crying. _No way in hell can he even begin to forgive himself…_

“…Dean?” came a faint voice.

Dean immediately sucked it up and shut his mouth close. “’m fine.” He gruffly replied, breathing hard as he rubbed the back of his hand on his wet eyes. He suddenly felt Cas’ hands on his head, ruffling his hair that got at least two fat tears out of his eyes. Dean took the angel’s hand and slid it down his lips, kissing Cas’ palm.

“Don’t do that ever again…” he repeated, reminiscing one of those encounter he lost the angel. It was never a favorite memory. Cas’ hand was clammy but already beginning to lose some of its heat. In the slight darkness he could already see a faint glow on the angelic skin. Dean frowned, before shuffling on his knees to face the angel who was watching him with tired eyes. _“And don’t dare make me feel better with a speck of your mojo—you heal yourself, y’hear me?”_

Cas looked taken a back, but a little close of his eyes and he responded softly. “I understand.”

Dean felt like wave of his energy was taken from him. He slumped on the floor again, eyes staying on Castiel’s pale face, his hands clutching the angel’s just like hours ago. He realized nothing really changed in their position. It made Dean bow and shook his head. This cycle has got to _stop._

“Cas, what was that?” he asked when he found the angel watching him again. “You were burning up and shaking… you scared the shit out of me...”

Castiel collected his thoughts for a moment, realizing half his body was still wrap in the blanket where he stubbornly made his hand squirm out to reach Dean. When he opened his dried lips, his eyes were looking at nothing in particular.

“It’s a side effect when my grace runs out for a bit.” He began roughly as Dean wiped Cas’ sweaty cheeks, “My body… loses the protection of the grace for… several minutes until it recharges up. It becomes fully human and… a human body cannot take on a heavenly bullet on its own. It’s a simple reaction expected of human limitation, nothing to worry about, I’m still an angel. I wouldn’t die from it.”

 _“Die from—?”_ Dean couldn’t help the sweep of anger threatening at the tip of his tongue. His grip on Castiel’s hand tightening. “Isn’t it enough that you’re in pain? Cas—that’s not okay! Being an angel is not an excuse, it’s not fine! You—has it always been like this? Since the day I shot you?”

Castiel didn’t immediately respond but his eyes flickered at the memory. “It was worse.”

 _“Fuck!”_ Dean slammed his left hand on the floor feeling his shoulder shake. Cas’ eyes filled with concern.

“Dean.”

“I shoulda known it wasn’t right—I shoulda known I hurt you! _Fuck!”_ He wanted to get out of the room, to get the nearest gun and hunt whatever monster was out there. Then maybe he’d feel better about himself again. He slammed his free hand on his face, unaware why he was still on the bed and why he wasn’t jerking his hand away from Cas’ firm hold. Only to realize, despite the angel’s condition, Castiel has him on a strong grip, his blue eyes sharp at the hunter. Like he knew exactly what was on the hunter’s mind.

“Stop it, Dean. You’re hurting yourself.”

“Nothing like I deserve right?” Dean snapped, but he didn’t attempt to move away from the angel because despite his emotion, his body was like lead. It wanted to stay close to the angel. Which meant his body does not understand the implication of what it wants. That this wasn’t his. Castiel wasn’t supposed to be _his._ “You don’t forgive me, Cas, okay?”

Castiel stared at him but Dean continued. Like it was important that they both understand. “You don’t forgive me. I’ll do something about this, I promise I’ll fix this—but don’t forgive me! Hell, I don’t even know what you see in me. I’m the one who brought you this low in life—”

_“I love you.”_

Dean felt electrified. It was as if his soul was snatched right under him and now being carried across the universe. Cas’ eyes were only focused on his as the angel blinked slowly. Dean shook his head, “You don’t—”

“I love you.” Cas sighed with a little frown. “I love everything that is you, Dean. Even if you tell me to stop, I’ve already fallen this… _low_ but I chose it. Not even my bare instincts can run away from you. Nothing you can do about it.”

Dean swallowed hard, eyes watering and still shaking his head. “You shouldn’t say that. I don’t deserve you.”

Castiel just stares at him and stroke his stubbled cheek. “I love you.”

And the scariest part was that Dean believed him. Because his body remembered Cas’ pure kiss and from it Castiel already made him feel loved three thousand times. Like there was nothing needed from him anymore because he was worth every heaven for the angel. A kind of kiss that made Dean feel love for himself because Castiel does. An impulse to catch Castiel’s lips sprang to his mind that all he could do was to look at the angel’s lips.

But he didn’t.

 _Can’t always escape hell, Winchester._ He told himself grittily.

* * *

Rowena came fashionably two hours later in her curvy black dress and shawl, carrying nothing but a small brown pouch wrapped on her tiny right wrist. Sam shouted for Dean from the kitchen hallway who came sprinting in wearing his violet flannel and jeans. They met her in the library as she was removing her shawl, eyes lighting up at seeing Dean Winchester walking towards her.

“See?” she began, rich in her accent, “I always come when you call, Samuel. Dean. I hope it isn’t that difficult for you two boys to return the favor and answer my calls when it is my turn in the roll of the dice.”

“Rowena, you can take care of yourself.” Sam piped up, standing beside her while Dean watched the witch with intent.

“Why do you always assume I’m always out there getting into trouble?” she flashed a flirtatiously look at the taller Winchester while folding her shawl around her arm, “Okay, I know I am feisty lady with a red hair and do I need to start about this look? But I’m not talking about anything _violent_ when I ask for favor. Saving lives and hunting things is not all there is to life, boys.” She beamed as the brothers exchanged looks. “Look, all I mean is me inviting you two handsome distractions to social gatherings or bars where I can show you off to my friends.” She plastered a smile at the two.

“When you say ‘showoff’, that actually means give them a death sentence?” Dean said with eyebrows naturally contracting when he thinks, “at the same time give yourself a death sentence because you know anyone seen around us gets hunted by monsters and killed.”

“Oh, Dean, always the worrywart.” Rowena shook her curly ginger head, “But believe me just the two of you each holding the side of my arms will be enough to wet some gals’ underpants in jealousy and believe me that’s all I ever wanted.”

Sam sighed quietly while Dean frowned at the witch further. “Alright, that’s enough fantasy. We need you to help Cas.”

“Oooh,” she cooed, eyes wrinkling in excitement, “I forgot our angel cutie! Another hot meal, where should I put him?”

“He’s not gonna be put anywhere except my bed where we’re going to see to him and heal him.” Dean said flatly, turning his heels after Rowena just stared at him in complete astonishment. The hunter then led the way to his room with an austere expression on his face. Rowena was still too struck to follow when Sam cleared his throat.

“Uh, let’s go, Rowena…”

“ _Samuel_.” Came the witch’s high notes as she flickered her lashes in Sam’s direction whose adam’s apple went up and down his throat, “Tell me did my ears just deceive me?”

“Uh… no. But I’ve stopped asking.” Sam said a little embarrassedly, his feet already following his brother. “Lots have happened.”

“Oh!” she gasped, falling beside him with eyes bright. “ _Details, Sam! Don’t tease me and leave me hanging! How often and how many are ‘lots’?”_

Sam just quickened his steps.

* * *

The witch’s jovial expression soon turned dismal ten minutes later when they were inside Dean’s room. Castiel was still fast asleep on the bed, taking much rest as he could after the collapse of his grace. There was still the tray of porridge half touched on the side table that Dean had him take forcefully before he let the angel take another wink. Right now, Castiel was sleeping on his right side, shirtless while Rowena hovered behind him with her thin eyebrows contracted as she studied the wound, her fingers expertly tracing the black skin without putting pressure. The skin barely healed the hole but the cut Ketch had made was already gone. Behind Rowena and pacing with his arms crossed, right fist on his lips was Dean, looking thoroughly livid but controlling himself.

_He should have killed Ketch. Should not have let the bastard escape…_

“How is it?” Sam asked tentatively, standing opposite Dean across the bed by the doorway.

Rowena raised her eyes and pressed her thin lips. “I’ve seen worst. But this is something, that is for sure. You said Chuck made the gun?” Sam nodded. “And it’s to be used on the boy, Jack? What is it called again?”

“The Hammurabi.” Sam muttered with the patterned movement of his lips.

“Ah. _Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth?”_ Rowena narrowed her eyes curiously, “I didn’t think this god is a Hammurabi believer but you’ll never know, huh?”

“ _Just the Equalizer_.” Dean grumbled, eyes flashing dangerously as he remembered how tried as he might to destroy the object, all the hammering and axing didn’t even leave a dent on the weapon. Which now safe to say could be found at the bottom of the ocean. “Pull the trigger, you die too. Now less talk. So can you help him or not?”

"I may be able to help balance it out a little… unless you have a better witch than me.” Rowena sing sang as she slid out of the bed and stood in front of Dean Winchesters. She didn’t look faze at his sullen expression. She even smiled and dusted the side of Dean’s shoulder calmly. “Which you don’t so you’re gonna have to be nice to this one, Dean Winchester, if you want to help out your boyfriend without us having to cut your soul into pieces.” She reached and pinched his nose without hesitation and added with a raised tone. “No one wants a heartless, _soulless_ boyfriend, now, do we? _Unless he’s an animal in bed._ ”

Dean scowled at her but lowered his eyes as he understood her meaning. Rowena turned to Sam who smiled at her appreciatively before the witch walked around the bed till she was standing at the foot, eyes on the sleeping angel.

“He’s having a hard time healing his own injury because his focus of grace is not complete. Angels have abundance of ethereal energy and our dear Castiel is a seraph, it is quite questionable that he is unable to keep some grace left to maintain the vessel. In my understanding, he’s too distracted by the pain, in the end he exhausts himself and waste his grace. It scatters about him unconsciously. He’s trying to limit the pain as well as heal his body. At the same time _heal someone else._ The channels are loose so here’s my only question.” She added seeing the ready question in both the Winchester’s mouth. She raised a finger and pointed up with another plastered smile, her eyes on Dean already. “Who pulled the trigger?”

“You know I did.” Dean barked, arms tightening around his chest like this was a confession to be judged.

“Good,” Rowena’s smile faltered, “because this _Equalizer_ could mean the two of you are already bonded to die had you intended it. I’m not sure what god Chuck’s intention is, Dean but the connection is already made. Though your body recovered fast… did you for some reason never thought Castiel had something to do with it?”

Sam reflected his brother’s confusion while Rowena shrugged and began untangling her pouch from her wrist.

“Of course, I’m only making hypothesis. But if the Equalizer is meant as that Hammurabi code, then shouldn’t you also be writhing in pain on the floor, just like your angel? Oh, Winchesters, sometimes you have to widen the scope out of your bunker box.”

“Wait, wait—” Dean raised his deep voice, eyes intent once again on Rowena, index finger lifted on the air warningly, “Are you telling me Cas _took some of my pain—?”_ Even Sam looked mortified at the thought as his eyes fell on the still sleeping angel. “You telling me he’s got something to do with me healing—?”

“Unconsciously, maybe. Isn’t he like a super sweet angel?” Rowena sighed, eyes also falling on the Castiel. “Because something such as _eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth_ will lose its balance if one of the players isn’t actually willing to harm anyone.” She turned to Dean. “He never wanted to hurt you, Dean. And you never understood that depth?”

Dean was looking at Castiel with much more than reverence in his expression. _Everyone knew it was love._

 _“Fuck.”_ Dean buried his face on his palms, turning around as if he was about to pound himself on the wall. Torture was not even enough to describe what Dean was feeling. Sam followed his brother’s eyes, then he addressed Rowena.

“You said you could help, Rowena…” his voice was urgent. “What do you mean balance it out?”

“Well,” the red-haired witch took something from her tiny pouch to reveal a set of powders in different color. “By setting up the connection… the person who pulled the trigger can take responsibility of some of the pain, if you know what I mean.”

“I get it.” Dean without question, turning his raging body around, his green eyes on Castiel. “I’ll take it.”

Sam understood there was no stopping Dean. He quietly sighed for this was better than the soul solution. It was a good thing Rowena said she’ll think of something when she heard Dean shouting on the phone.

“How are you going to do that?” Sam asked her. “This is made by Chuck himself.”

She wrung her pouch. “I came prepared with all the ashes I could think needed when angels are involved. These are angel powder wings, some angel stone, ashes of an angel vessel that died as an angel…but what we need the most is… this.” She pulled out a long golden string enough to tie a person’s body. “Angel strings of an Archangel given by Gabriel made from the locks of his hair.”

“Gabriel?” Sam frowned, “How’d you even get that?”

“That’s for me to know and for you _to drool_.” She winked in his direction while Sam looked scandalous. Then to Dean who had sat down on the bed beside Castiel, she said, “We need to relink the connection snapped by the angel and balance the power. The Equalizer is god-made, Dean, we need blood to set the link. Then you’ll feel half his pain—”

“No.” Dean growled again, a hand already on Cas’ uninjured arm. “Give it to me all. _I’m taking his all.”_

Sam and Rowena both stared at Dean Winchester who could barely remove his eyes from the angel.

They knew his words were final.

* * *

Castiel knew something had changed the moment his eyes automatically opened, as if sleeping was the last thing it wanted, rejecting even the notion of having his back on the bed. Like there was power lying inside him, circulating and invigorating him to move and get his ass up working. His body responded immediately and got up in a straight sitting position like a machine. Like the angel that he is.

It was his _grace. Plentiful of his grace stored up like it never had before! But how—?_

And that was odd. He felt light, felt as if his body was back to its peak. Like he could fly, only his wings were still broken. Did he sleep for a millennium? Castiel blinked several times, still slightly confused as he looked around him. He found he was still inside Dean’s room by just looking at the weapons hanging by the wall and the intoxicating smell of leather. The angel remembered waking up some time to be fed by the hunter but right now he was alone. Castiel wanted nothing but to kick himself out of bed, to find Dean and ask him what he fed him for this energy to be this full. Why, he couldn’t even feel the pain on his shoulder.

Just as he put both his feet on the floor, realizing he was in Dean’s large white shirt and gray pajamas, Castiel saw Sam enter the room, carrying a glass of milk and a satisfied smile on his lips.

“Hey, Cas… you look really good.” He walked in and handed the glass to Cas who unquestionably took it and drank it in one gulp despite it being hot on his lips. Sam blinked at his progress and grinned. “Looks like you’re back.”

“What happened?” Cas asked with deep voice full, his brows furrowing as he put the glass on the side table while Sam dragged a chair beside his bed to sit face to face with him. “Why don’t I feel like ‘shit’ anymore? Did I miss half a year?”

“No, Cas,” Sam chuckled good naturedly as he checked his watch, “It’s just about 4:00 pm of the same day Dean made you eat that porridge this morning. Do you remember?” the angel nodded, still confused, “Uh, Rowena already came around and… uh… she did the job.”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “You mean she—” his right hand shot upwards to his injured shoulder where he couldn’t feel a thing.

“No,” Sam said quickly, eyeing the shoulder with some apprehension, “You… uh… she removed the pain, that’s all. The bullet is still there but she said just because you couldn’t feel it doesn’t mean it’s not making damage. You have to concentrate all your grace on healing. She shut the other channel so you wouldn’t get distracted… so you know… you’re okay…” He swallowed whatever it was he wanted to say next.

Castiel nodded slowly even though he still couldn’t grasp Sam’s meaning. Shut channel? Remove the pain? The bullet was still making damage but he could heal that again and again if it meant he was spared of the pain. A grin slowly started spreading on his lips. Sam smiled too albeit short lived.

“Where’s Dean?” Cas quickly asked. Even though he had loyalty, compassion and care for Sam, it still disappointed him a little that it wasn’t Dean who was here to tell him. He remembered everything clearly now from the moment Sam and Dean found him in Kelly’s Cabin to that very morning where Dean was scolding him for not touching the special porridge, Castiel could remember. Even his sincere words of confession to the man was still fresh on his mind, like a sweet memory. He saw Sam’s smile falter a little and he sensed something in the hunter that got Cas frowning. “Sam?”

“Uh, he’s… he’s in the garage, in the Impala fixing his hunting bag. He’s gonna hunt Ketch and end him for good this time, I think.” Cas’ eyes widened just as Sam raised both hands to explain with a reasonable expression, “Dean, he… saw the camera footage of how Ketch tortured you in the dungeon and honestly there’s nothing else to tell him except don’t leave an evidence behind.”

“Sam!” the angel gave him a horrified look.

“I know, but you know Dean.” Sam shrugged, hands clasping in front of him patiently as he leaned forward, “Especially with you two becoming, you know… together… I mean finally.” Sam smiled with a sigh.

Castiel couldn’t get rid of that feeling that something was off with Sam and usually when the younger Winchester was like this, the angel just knew his concern was always all about one person. Castiel narrowed his eyes and met Sam’s eyes. “Sam? What are you not telling me? _What did Dean do?”_

Sam tried to maintain their eye contact, but had to drop his eyes down his hands with a frown.

* * *

Dean Winchester had just dropped his tools inside the impala’s trunk when he felt more than saw the angel coming for him. He knew Sam was bound to explain the situation. Hell, he asked his brother to do without him in the room. He didn’t want to argue with Cas more than anyone, but if it was something unavoidable then at least there will be no one to hear them squabble. He saw the angel at the corner of his eyes and couldn’t help but fixing him a look of surprise—

For one, Castiel was still on his white t-shirt and pajama but he was also donning his trench coat that Dean hadn’t seen in ages. And by heart, Cas was glowing like before, angel that he is. His white skin had lost the beat out features from the dark corners of his eyes to drying of his lips. He now looked robust and, in a word… _beautiful._

 _And his eyes._ The blue had lost all the hoodedness inside it, replaced the most piercing blue eyes Dean had always basked himself in the past and stared both longingly and avidly. _He loved Castiel’s blue eyes more than anything. How expressive they had been for the past years…._ Yet right now, fear seemed unfamiliar in those eyes. _Only rile wrath._

“Hey, pretty baby.” Dean smugly said in spite of himself with Castiel stopping just in front of him, glaring. “Seven hours sleep and you already rocking the earth like a model on _Runaway_. Tell me your secret, hot lips?” and yeah, he couldn’t help ogling at Cas’ ample lush lips just now. He reached out casually and touched a strand of the dark bed hair Cas’ grace couldn’t do anything about. He found Cas’ with narrowing eyes at him.

“You know I can gut you now, tie you and put you inside the impala, right?” Cas started while Dean’s eyes widened, his smile faltering instantly. Sighing to himself at how extraordinarily _intense_ he finds the angel right now, Dean turned to the open trunk hood and shut it close.

“Cas, _you know Runaway?”_ he tried again, smugly grinning in front of the frowning angel, “Jeez, I never know you to not ask reference when you don’t know one—”

“I don’t watch it and I don’t care.” Cas was distracted for a moment, a good time Dean decided to slip out of the corner the angel found him and rounded on the Impala. Castiel was immediately behind him, “Dean—Dean, you’re not going to hunt Ketch in your condition! _You’ll get yourself killed!”_

At the mention of the British assassin’s name, Dean’s sullen attitude returned like a click of a button.

“That isn’t open for discussion, Cas, he hurt you.” Dean’s voice turned darker as he stopped by the driver seat to get a rug and then raised an eyebrow at the angel on his shoulder. “You think I can let im’ live after what he’s done to you?”

“Ketch didn’t do anything I haven’t gone through before.” Cas replied and sensing the quick rush of anger in Dean’s mood, he inclined his head to the side and then sighed, “I’ve been tortured countlessly and survived. It’s nothing new to what Ketch did, and for Ketch that’s only like cornering another target and—”

Cas wasn’t able to finish his next words. Dean had taken the last remaining step between them, cupped his chin out of nowhere and captured his lips into a deep kiss. A shiver ran up Castiel’s spine as tongue slipped in his side, exploring on his teeth and tracing his lips. Then gone. Dean pulled his head, his serious green eyes on to the blues.

“Milk.” Dean breathed, his tongue licking the angel’s lips, “You taste like milk.”

Cas shivered as his eyes followed Dean’s tongue. “Sam gave me one just now. Have you decided not to hunt Ketch?”

“Stop saying his name.” the hunter breathed, “It makes me wanna kill him even more.”

Cas pressed his lips closed; determination reflected on the blue.

“Do we talk about what you had Rowena do without waiting for my say?” Dean’s eyes softened, but he knew Castiel was also waiting for another kiss. His blue eyes had fallen on Dean’s with expectation clearly etched on his features. He indulged the angel, this time biting on his upper lips first, parting it from his bottom, before Dean leaned forward and burned his lips on Castiel’s. Cas was quick to reply as he opened his mouth pliantly, feeling himself getting pushed at the door of the car and staying, his head moving against Dean’s lead. The hunter’s hand slid at the back of his neck and pulled, sucking on Cas’ tongue with a groan as he felt a friction on his shoulder. Dean pulled and took a deep breath. Castiel did the same. It felt like they both just drowned and wanted more, their eyes unbreakable. But concern was ever on the angel’s eyes.

“Does it hurt?” his free hand slid on Dean’s left shoulder where no wound could be seen but the angel knew Dean felt something. Because Cas did. “You didn’t have to do that, Dean… you should have let me handle everything…” he closed his eyes and brushed his temple on the hunter’s lips. Dean put both hands on Cas’ waist and pulled him closer with their hips grinding.

“Like how you’re letting me handle Ketch and everything?” he whispered, nuzzling his nose on Cas’ ear. “No.” he growled, snaking his hand behind Cas and pulling him tighter. “I don’t care if you give him rat’s ass attention, but I gotta kill him. After what he nearly did to you… _Fuck, I’ll kill anyone who touches or tries to hurt you._ ”

Cas had enveloped himself with Dean’s warmth. It was strange what simple human touch could make the bodies react in so many ways and right now he was much obliged to Dean for taking care of him. He found himself getting drawn even more at the man’s words, sealing something strong in his mind that had him opening his blue eyes to stare at Dean’s mesmerizing green.

“What can I do to stop you going after him, Dean?” he asked. Dean shouldn’t put his life in danger now just because of him. Dean had done plenty enough for him. Cas would make sure he’ll be the one to take care of this man. This wonder, beautiful man that belonged only to him. No, Ketch wasn’t going to rip them apart.

“You don’t.” Dean replied, brushing his lips against Cas once more like it was a drug but Cas put both his hands at the back of the hunter’s head and in one swift motion, changed their position. Dean was startled a little to find himself trapped on the car door with Cas pressed against him. “Uh, Cas—?”

Castiel kissed him. And fuck, it was the hottest kiss Dean had ever had. Whoever said Cas was naïve to these things? The angel was the one who blew the demon Meg’s mind couple of years back and had her under his spell because of one kiss! Who the fuck stops this kind of all tongue, all mouth moving, teeth clashing kind of kiss? _Who!?_ Dean found himself groaning when Castiel pulled himself a little. It made him growl and want to catch up to those nimble lips but the angel’s firm hand on the neck stopped him. Dean could only look at those damnable lips.

“I can think of one way to persuade you.” Castiel suddenly said but there was hesitation in his voice. “But it involves too physical movement, I’m afraid if I move too much, I might hurt—”

Dean leaned and caught his lower lip and sucked it till it swelled, his green eyes burning like a torch. The same fire Castiel caught when Dean spoke in his lower timbre, giving him the order, the permission that would forever change Castiel’s life.

_“Just do.”_

Cas gritted his teeth as he stared at Dean’s eyes, and then swiftly pulled the man’s collar, opened the back of the impala’s door and threw him on the seat. Dean stumbled backward, his back hitting the soft, much familiar black cushion of his _Baby._ He heard the door snap shut and there was Cas, in between his legs with a very serious look in his eyes that had Dean grinning.

“You’re going to make love to me without breaking character?”

Castiel did not understand, but with a wave of his hand, both he and Dean were stark naked as the day they were born. An action that got Dean pushing on his elbow with indignant look in his green eyes.

_“Did you just use your mojo—!?”_

But mouth was all over him together with a lithe body on his top. Cas kissed Dean quiet, his face flushed at the contact their naked bodies rubbing chest to chest, hard cocks pressed in their abdomens, legs tangled under. He was very careful not to make too much use of his left side, which was proving to be difficult as he found how his hands wanted to explore more of Dean’s body. Castiel knew human anatomy like the back of his mind, but looking at Dean now makes the wildest side of his angelic side burn with _desire_. He had witnessed many of his fallen brothers and sisters commit sin after sin when they saw the human beings their father created and lusted after them. Because of that they were banished. Castiel had been one of those who raised eyebrows and punished the soldiers. He never thought he’d be one of them.

_But none of this felt wrong…_

In fact, as he found himself falling deeply into Dean’s sinful lips, he realized he didn’t care what the world or heaven thinks. It felt right to be with Dean. It felt right to be on his lips with the burning desire filling his insides. He only wanted Dean, like he had never wanted Dean before. _He didn’t even know what Dean wanted from him,_ but having Dean’s lips, kissing him slowly, tasting all corners of his lips, Dean sucking on his tongue… it all felt right. Castiel would fall time and again from heaven if it meant having Dean.

After what felt like eon, Castiel felt Dean’s hands slipped around his own body. Dean’s left hand rested in the middle of his back to steady the angel, careful to not aggravate any of their injured side. Then his right hand was trickier as it traced Castiel’s curve, down to his hips, then cupping the angel’s left cheek and squeezing tight. Cas moaned but the kiss was too good. Then one of Dean’s finger found Cas’ hole and pressed slowly, squeezing the rest of his fingers on the cheek that had Cas gasping. He pulled away from the kiss in surprise, face flushed red, blue eyes round as he found Dean’s green eyes at him. Smiling cheekily at what he just did.

“You only plannin’ on sucking on my lips all night while naked, babe?”

Cas blinked at him blankly, his eyes falling immediately on Dean’s lips and swallowing.

“Wha— _really?”_ Dean’s own green eyes widened as he pushed himself a little from the chair, “Y-you are…?”

Cas knew what Dean meant. He had become aware of how the heat in his body had risen because he didn’t want to use his grace in controlling the rest of his limbs. He was too careful in channeling all of it on his shoulder so as not to hurt Dean. But whatever it was that he saw from the _pizza-man_ couldn’t be comparable to having Dean under him. Whatever he had with April, she was the one who lead him anyway and the memory had long disappeared. His silence got Dean suddenly smiling and without warning, pressed his right hand on Cas’ ass, grinding their hips together. It elicited a cry of shock and pleasure from the angel who clutched on the hunter’s right shoulder with gritted teeth.

“Dean…” he whispered uncertain, looking below him before meeting back with Dean. “I…”

_Fuck, that was so cute._

Dean had lost the amusement in his eyes. Cas was looking at him in haze, lips parted and was just inviting. The hunter growled and with strength of a man whose broad shoulder could easily cover the angel’s, he sat up with knees folded. Castiel slid easily in his lap with the angel’s legs on each side of the hunter. Dean looked Cas in the eye again before leaning down and kissing him. It was a soft kiss. He wanted Cas to relax, just as his right hand wrapped around the angel’s trembling hard shaft, his thumb pressing on the crack in its head.

 _“Dean.”_ Castiel said in a warning tone, temple falling down Dean’s right shoulder.

“Cas, have you never—?”

“This body’s been rebuilt when I returned from the Empty.” Cas gasped when Dean’s thumb began circling the head of his cock. He squirmed and wrapped both arms on the neck of the hunter. “Everything that I am… it’s all _untouched…”_

Dean felt a wild instinct kick in as he growled, aroused. _Cas was untouched. He was the first one…_

With urgency, he pressed Castiel down the seat, adjusting himself a little and being extra careful his head doesn’t hit the door handle. Dean pressed his body on top of him, finding new ways to open Cas’ mouth into his. They both groaned into the kiss, Cas making a sound of pleasure as Dean pumped his cock. But every time the angel would tense up for a release, Dean would stop, making Castiel moan a little to a sob. But Dean couldn’t get enough of the angel. He kissed his face, his tears, bit his ears red, nipped and traced the line of his jaw to his throat. When it wasn’t enough, he licked down to Castiel’s neck, leaving marks and suckling on his veins around, till Castiel had to tilt his head up and embrace him close. Dean let his hand wander on Castiel’s nipples, rubbing to them till they perked up good enough for his teeth. And when his teeth found them, Cas let out a breathy cry. Dean didn’t think a cry could rouse gold of his own untouched cock, but he felt it harden.

“Fuck, Cas, your voice…” he hissed, biting on Castiel’s neck again and mouthing the corners of his collar bone with wet lips. Castiel whimpered, his fingers pressing on Dean’s shoulder, unconsciously letting him know to slide down.

“Dean… _Dean…Please…_ ” he could only beg for anything.

“Fuck…” Dean slid down the angel’s waist, with trail of kisses and found the hardened cock resting on his abdomen. Cursing himself for leaving his baby unattended, Dean leaned forward and wrapped his mouth full on its head. Cas’ cry hitched when his hips bucked forward, fingers finding Dean’s hair and pulling. Dean did a steady job bobbing the cock in pleasure and lust, making his mouth tight while the rest of his hands did magic. One holding Cas cock steady while his other fondling his balls. He had to work on Cas’ rim from the juice flowing out of the angel. He refused to make it painful for Cas’ first time. He busied his lips, as well as his fingers. He felt Cas’ pulling up at the first contact but eased back. Dean saw him peer curiously from his hooded lids, before tilting his head up in pleasure at what he saw. _Fuck…_ Dean still had his cock in his mouth and the hunter just couldn’t get enough of it. It was pure heat and sweet. How in all these years ever thought happiness was only a glance on his side? Cas was the most beautiful thing that happened to him. And the hottest one now at the moment. Dean inserted a second finger, widening the space and circling it till it was ready for a third. Cas was fucking tight. Dean thought he’d come if he looked at it. He kept working there till the hole was ready. Cas tried to move his hips up and Dean relentlessly followed, tightening his hold on the shaft as he swiped tongue on its head. Cas could barely make coherent words or sounds along the moans of pleasure which Dean was proud somewhat. He knew Cas was about to come. When the built tension began erupting, Castiel’s voice hitched in the next second.

His fist tightened on the hunter’s hair. He cried out his name and Dean felt relish and lust as he let him come in his mouth, lips still on the head and sucked Cas’ came along. It was pure, heavenly juice and Dean didn’t wanna let up even when it was over. He sucked and sucked till he felt Castiel’s hips trembled and the last spurt was on his tongue. He pulled his lips and swallowed the tasty slick. Leaving Cas breathing heavily with right arm covering his eyes, his left protectively on his chest. Dean didn’t bother wiping his mouth, his chest heaving as he looked up at the angel before him whose legs were parted, soft, glistening cock on his stomach, and flushed face hiding behind his arms. The picture had the hunter cursing again and throwing his body in the front seat to open the glove compartment. From there he took the lube and ignored the condom. He didn’t want anything between him and Cas’ first. He wanted Cas to feel him raw.

The packet was broken and Cas gasped when he felt something cold and sticky digging up his ass. He looked down at Dean who was focusing beneath him. A finger slipped inside, then another. Castiel didn’t know how Dean was doing it but another kind of pleasure was beginning to build in his stomach. He felt himself follow Dean’s fingers, felt the pleasure when a third finger was in, but when everything was pulled out, he nearly cried in disappointment. Dean’s hands were suddenly pulling on his good arm and left waist, urging him to sit on his lap. Cas soon realized what Dean wanted as the hunter sat there at the end of the seat, face red and full of want, his green eyes sparkling like the universe. Cas also saw his enormous cock and couldn’t help biting his lower lip.

“Come, baby,” Dean whispered, putting both hands on his waist and gently pulling him down. Castiel didn’t say anything, not when Dean’s lips rested in the middle of his chest, biting on his already erect nipples. Not when he trailed on Cas’ neck with moisture of his come.  Not when Dean captured his lips deeply, at the same time he felt the tip of Dean’s cock on his entrance. Then it was inside sliding in, ripping boundaries of the virgin ass. He felt the skin tighten as it went deep, felt the heat pulsating from the hardened shaft, rubbing to the corners of his hole. Dean whispered Cas’ name as he embraced him tightly and pushed him lower. Cas cried as he contracted, Dean’s length went deeper. _Heat. Heat was inside him._ Dean was moaning along and they were kissing again. Then when Cas felt the base of Dean’s cock, the hunter began to move. The angel wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, head leaning on his shoulder as their body collided, Dean moving gently at first, then he began pounding harder and harder up. It slipped out smoothly, then was inside him again. Ragged breathings fill the air as Cas felt his body jerk upward but Dean stayed him with a firm hold of his hands, his mouth kissing everything on the angel’s face. Dean didn’t know where he wanted to kiss. He just wanted Cas. _Cas was his._

“You’re so tight, Cas… _fucking tight…! Oh, you’re incredible…!”_ he growled as he bucked and pulled in and out. His rhythm began reaching a speed that rattled the entire impala while Cas just held on his shoulders for dear life. The ecstasy the angel’s body was going through was beyond imaginable. He gasped and cried along with Dean’s every movement. Feeling his hard cock thrust inside him was something Castiel wanted to treasure. It bonded them, that he knew. Nothing vague like their already profound bond, but something much exact, something solid. _They were truly connected._

Above his cries of pleasure, Castiel found time to kiss Dean in the neck. He knew he heard Dean gasp in pain a few times because of the other painful connection they shared, but Dean continued pounding him. He tried asking but Dean only sucked on his mouth while he continued moving to him deeper and deeper, he could feel their balls brushing together. He didn’t know why they didn’t do this sooner. Maybe because Dean had other people in his mind. Other partners to share this with. A slight tinge of jealousy caught Castiel that he pressed both palms on Dean’s hazy expression, filled with need and abandon, before pressing his lips sweetly on the hunter’s lips. _Dean belonged to him._

That seemed to wake Dean as he kissed back roughly, grabbing Castiel’s cheeks, licking and sucking inside his mouth. Moans erupted from their exchange with Dean biting his tongue while their body rocked up and down. To the angel’s ears, Dean whispered. _“I’m fucking close.”_

Cas felt the hunter’s hands on his hips push him down frantically. Inside him he felt Dean’s cock tremble with each thrust and shut his eyes close. A throaty moan came from Dean’s lips as with one final thrust, he filled Castiel with his hot come. Castiel buried his head on Dean’s chest as his hot seeds filled him. It didn’t stop for a long time. Dean was still moving his hips, letting everything out in Cas’ hole, kissing and nipping on the angel’s shoulder with one hand pressed on his ass. His orgasm lasted another second, before he dropped his head backwards in exhaustion, Castiel’s head dropping on his chest.

Both breathed heavily, inhaling their mixed smell in the closed space of the car. Dean naturally left a window open but who cares if their scream was heard upstairs? A grin began to split in his lips.

“You’re happy…” Castiel mumbled, not removing his head from the hunter’s chest.

“I’m more than happy.” The hunter breathed, wrapping his hands around the angel carefully and sighing. “Fuck, Cas… that was awesome.”

“I think so too.” The angel replied sleepily and Dean raised his head, wondering if he tired the angel out of his grace. But Cas only looked satisfied with eyes closed with his arms wrapped on Dean’s chest. A smile that disappeared when he raised his head, eyes full of concern at the man. “Did you hurt yourself? Did I unconsciously hurt you?”

Dean stared at the most beautiful angel in the world and reached a hand to stroke his cheek.

“Didn’t feel a damn thing. Just you.”

Cas nodded at him, “Me too. I can still feel you.” He looked beneath him that had Dean blushing furiously. He pulled Cas into a tight embrace and sighed on his hair. Castiel loved to hear Dean’s still racing heart on his ears. “I want this, Dean. And I don’t mean just your dick inside me, but what we have… it’s… it’s belongingness and being one… but I’d prefer if there will be some penis penetration—”

“Cas.” Dean closed his eyes, feeling his ears prickle as it went red, “Don’t… don’t say it like that. Your mouth will put even Crowley to shame.”

“You really think it’s a good idea to say his name while inside me?” the angel began raising his head with a deep rumbling tone but Dean only put a hand on his dark hair to keep him in place.

“No, babe, don’t move. Just Let me feel you more. I want to get use inside you.”

“Me too, Dean. I want you inside me like this. We should do this every day. This is what they mean by fucking, is it not?” the angel grinned, “I see. A joke in enochian will be equitable response. Fucking is also fun.”

“Uh… Cas…?”

“Who’d thought the heft of your shaft—”

“Cas?” he called.

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean pulled him closer. _“You’re going to make Sam cry.”_

* * *

To Castiel’s surprise, Dean decided the next morning to hop on the impala to go to the grocery after a thorough shower together without even seeing a shadow of Sam Winchester. They spent the whole night inside Dean’s car, finishing with another two rounds in the middle of the night and at break of dawn. Cas had to push Dean away on the third attempt in the car, afraid the man would exhaust himself. Dean never told him if he was in pain which worried Cas. He had put extra protection on his shoulder to save Dean the pain, but he couldn’t deny the hunter during their shower. Dean had his ways to get him all riled up and wanting, which was new even for Cas. Usually he was the one wanting Dean’s attention, but with their new connection, it seemed Dean could barely let him out of his sight. Which was okay with Cas. Having Dean’s green eyes always sweeping the room for him was a kind of leisure he’d like to get used to. After what he went through for months, thinking Dean didn’t want him anymore, here was Dean always a step behind him, arms closing around his waist protectively or hold his hand while they walk the grocery aisle. Cas liked it, but he couldn’t help raising an eyebrow when he bumped to Dean yet again, chest to chest, for the third time when he turned around after checking out a honey bee bottle on the shelf. They were both wearing their outdoor clothes with Cas in his trench coat atop a blue bear shirt that belonged to Dean while the hunter was fully on his layers. He found Dean smugly looking at him when the angel paused to give him a questioning look.

“You think we’re going to get attacked in the middle of the grocery with the way you’re hovering around me, Dean? Move.” He snapped as he slipped the bottle of honey on the basket Dean was carrying.

“Oh, I can think of one person who wants to attack you right now.” The hunter winked at him, a smirk on his face that got Castiel rolling his eyes and looking at the still empty basket. They’ve been going around for fifteen minutes already. Cas sighed and turned on his heels, eyes on the shelves.

“Very funny, Dean. It’s daylight and we’re in public. You don’t—”

“Yeah, do.” Dean grinned, slinking behind him and wrapping a good hand on his waist. Castiel glared at him.

“Enough. Why don’t you get some of the stuff we really came here for? I can’t only put honey on the basket, you know.”

“I woulda let ya.” Dean’s impish grin and crinkling at the side of his green eyes nearly had Cas melting. “I woulda let ya put everything you want and need here and get it for ya.”

“Can you put a Dean Winchester there?” the angel asked innocently with eyebrows raised. The reaction he received was more than he bargained for. Dean visibly looked shock for a moment, then his ears popped red as his entire face. Even Cas was surprised. Without a warning, the hunter suddenly pulled him into a kiss, lounging at the angel like a hunter on a prey. Cas kissed back and it was the best fifteen seconds of his life.

When Dean pulled, the man had to bite his lips to control his instincts. Cas knew what was in his mind but could only blink at the man. He didn’t want to be the one to step away. Dean did with another grin as his green eyes stayed at the angel, and then he was off to the other side of the aisle muttering something about cooling down. Cas watched him go, pressing his lips at the lingering kiss.

“Well, that was hot.”

Castiel looked around him and saw a tall, lanky man wearing layers and a dirty green hoodie with uncombed long blond hair in a beanie looking at him with a knowing smile on his lips. Cas squinted at him and found him to be a mere human. Ignoring the comment, the angel took the other side of the aisle. Another ten minutes and he found Dean with two baskets full of everything from canned beans, beers, packet of milks, more packet of milks to soaps and other stuff— before walking up to him in the vegetable section. What Dean could do in lesser time when he wasn’t distracted, Cas could only guess as he led the way to the cashier.

They found a brunette woman by the counter who instantly flashed Dean a smile. The hunter grinned as he put his stuff out with Cas standing beside him, ogling at the machinery popping out change and receipts. The scanner beeped at each toss of

“Hey, Angel.” Dean said, startling Castiel into a response as he glanced beside him.

“What?”

Yet Dean wasn’t looking at him but at the brunette giving the hunter a flirtatious smile. Cas frowned and read from her name tag that she was labelled _‘Angel’._ Blinking curiously with head tilting, Cas glanced at Dean again to find him smiling cheekily at him. Castiel glowered.

“I wasn’t talking to you, Cas.” He said mischievously, nodding at her. “She’s Angel.”

“I figured.” Cas muttered with a side look at his man. Dean does act like this around every female human.

“He could be an angel too.” Angel gave Cas a flash of smile too which Cas returned good naturedly.

Dean smiled a winning smile and put a hand on Cas’ waist. “Yeah, yeah he is.” He kissed the angel’s cheek much to the gawping expression of the cashier and ushered Cas out of the counter while he stayed, nodding at him and giving him the car keys. “Go straight in the car, babe. Not gonna let ya carry groceries.” He winked at Cas.

Castiel looked perplexed for a moment. Then he moved towards the door, glancing back at Dean questioningly before walking out of the grocery looking rejected. So, does Dean want to have a private moment with this Angel? He didn’t think Dean would be so openly flirty to other people in front of him. Wasn’t he enough? Then again, this had always been Dean’s routine. Does he expect Dean to stick with him alone? Dean who was a wild horse even when Cas was only watching him from heaven… the man who never lets himself get tied or follow orders. _Dean Winchester_ who was the embodiment of the title _freewill._ Suddenly, Castiel wasn’t that self-assured.

_Dean hadn’t even told him he loved him._

It took several minutes before Cas found himself standing beside the impala. It took even longer for him to become aware that he’d been standing there for quite some time. He had never felt the need to hear it from the man, he knew from Dean’s colorful soul the man felt the same, but how could he ever decipher what was on Dean’s mind? What happens if Dean brings this girl along? Castiel didn’t think smiting innocent civilian that appealing, but if the hunter insists… The angel closed his eyes and shook his head. What was he thinking?

Shaking the key, he began opening the car door when he heard a voice behind him.

“Hey, hottie. Do you mind?”

Cas whirled around to find himself facing the same tall blond man in the grocery. The man was holding a can of beer in right hand while his other was on his pocket. The angel narrowed his eyes but only found a mortal soul and no demon to answer to. But there might as well be with the way the man’s eyes darkened as it loomed on him. Cas turned back to the stranger and squinted. “Can I help you?”

“Think so.” The man smiled wickedly and thumped his front hips. “Mind helping me out a bit with your hot lips?”

Castiel understood the inuendo and frowned. “Rub it on the wall or get it flattened with an iron. In any case, _fuck off.”_ He didn’t have time for this. He didn’t have time for other human’s shit when his very man was flirting with some other human Cas wanted to fry on the spot. He turned back on the car keys when he heard footsteps behind him. What shook Castiel to the core was the man’s hand suddenly grabbing his left, injured shoulder as he was forced to face him. Dean’s name popped out of Cas’ mind as out of pure instinct and protectiveness, the angel slammed the base of his palm at the human’s chest—sending him feet away and slamming on the near wall before he slid down the dumpster, unconscious. But Cas was already running back to the corner of the grocery store where he was sure he heard Dean’s gasping voice.

“Dean!” he called fearfully, turning on a corner and nearly colliding with the sprinting hunter who had a very worried look on his face. Dean caught the angel in his arms and squeezed on his limb looking shaken.

“Cas—Cas, what happened?” he looked behind the angel with glinting eyes as if expecting to see anyone running after him. The angel shook the initial surprise on his face, before clutching Dean’s under the elbow, eyes falling on the man’s shoulder. “I fucking felt getting stab right now—dropped all the grocery—what the hell was that?”

“Someone—” Castiel began, hands falling on both Dean’s elbow as they held each other. “Your shoulder—?”

“What someone?” Dean snapped with anger rising in his eyes. Without another word, he took Castiel’s hand and began marching back to the car but the angel pulled and let Dean face him. “What are you doing?”

“You look pale!” Cas said, his voice breaking as he cupped Dean’s cold cheeks. It was obvious that Dean was in pain. The way the corner of his lip curled to stop himself from hissing, the way he awkwardly carried his left shoulder like it was heavy. Castiel knew Dean was in pain and Cas hated it. It was his fault. With a sigh, he let his hands slide down the man’s neck and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I should have been more careful—I wasn’t paying attention. Dean, let’s just call Rowena! I can’t let you stay like this—I can’t always— when I get hurt, you’re the one—this is wrong, please, let’s call Rowena—!”

“Hey, hey, babe, shhh…” Dean reached for Cas and wrapped his strong arms on Castiel’s shaking shoulder. “It’s fine, I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt, at all…” he kissed Cas on the temple while the angel sighed on his neck.

“You’re only saying that.” Cas said closed eyes guiltily, “You should’ve let me carry this on my own.”

“No.” Dean growled strongly, holding Cas close, his throat rumbling at the force, “No, and that’s it. I want this. This is me atoning for my mistakes to you. I need to do this Cas, or I won’t forgive myself for staying beside you like this.”

“Dean…” Cas whined.

“Shh… now where’s the bastard that hurt you?”

“He hurt you.”

“He tried you and I’m gonna kill him.”

“I think I may have broken his spine and ribs.”

Dean smirked. “Good. But if I get my hands on him…”

“It’s fine, Dean… as long as you’re okay…” Cas opened his eyes and it lingered on the hunter’s shoulder. That was the moment Cas promised he will do everything in his power to keep himself safe. To keep Dean safe. But he had to find a sustainable plan to finally keep the bullet out of his system. It was the only way if he wanted to keep Dean safe. _The only way._ He clutched on Dean’s clothes close, sighing at the adrenaline early that morning. He realized he never wanted Dean out of his sight again.

* * *

The ride back to the Bunker was quiet. The sun shone on Cas’ side of the window at past eight along the rich side of the trees and lake on the other. The wind swept his dark hair out of his temple but the angel only stared across the lake silently, back leaning on the seat by the driver’s side while Dean hummed zeppelin beside him. When at the long stretch of silence and Cas still didn’t find the will to engage in any conversation, he found Dean’s hand squeezing the top of his knee.

“Everything alright?” Dean asked his deep voice laced in concern.

Cas kept his eyes on the window. “No. We haven’t eaten breakfast and you need your energy. You can’t go on for hours without meal… you need strength in case something like that happens again.” And _by that_ Cas meant that accident in the parking area which was still gnawing in his mind.

“We’ll stop at a diner on the way.” Dean focused his eyes on the road but kept a firm hand on the angel’s knee. “Come on, Cas stop beating yourself about it. Stop worrying about me, I’m a big boy. That you know.” He smiled smugly again, only to find Cas unamused. Dean pressed his lips at the cold shoulder. “Come on Cas, No one in their right head worries about me.”

“I do. You should not have taken my pain.”

“Cas, if you were on the same position as me, you’d do the exact same thing.”

“I suppose so.”

“Yeah, cause we’re both hopelessly in love with each other.” Dean grinned at him.  Castiel fell silent as he slowly looked at Dean. Dean said _love._ That they were both in love. The angel’s heart swelled. He thought it was really enough to see Dean’s soul rich of the feeling of love, but for Dean to put it into words… it had an effect Castiel never thought he needed. He looked back at the shining sun and have never seen it much beautiful in his millennia of years.

After stopping at a steak and bacon diner, Dean decided to have takeout much to Castiel’s chagrin. Dean was still eating much and he enjoyed the way the man enjoyed himself, savoring the taste of his favorite. Then they headed back the long road, only for Cas to realize they were taking a different route. He looked at Dean questioningly but Dean only winked at him and told him he’d give him a surprise. He said he had called Sam telling him they’d be returning tomorrow.

 _Tomorrow._ Castiel couldn’t help wondering what the rest of the night meant for them and where. The idea of making love with Dean was always nagging at the back of his mind. He knew it was never out of their schedule. And he remembered Dean looking so good that morning in the shower. If Cas hadn’t been too worried about Dean hurting his shoulder, he would’ve let the man take him there again and again. The sudden thought made a painful jab in his stomach and to Cas’ horror he knew he just got a fresh boner. By just thinking about Dean naked.

His sudden inhale had the hunter looking in his direction. “Babe?”

Cas shook his head and quietly looked at the window side, his cheeks flushed. He pressed his knees together and prayed Dean didn’t notice how turn on he had been. _By just thinking of Dean naked._ The repeated thought didn’t help his current state. The car began slowing down for no apparent reason, the next thing Cas knew, they had park on the side of the large trees before the long road, Dean leaning forward to him and kissing him when he looked around.

“Cas, you shouldn’t be that shy with me now.” Whispered the hunter in his ears and Cas felt one of his palms rubbing on the angel’s erection. Castiel closed his eyes tight with a slight whimper.

“I’m sorry.” The angel sighed as he felt Dean nipping on his neck, his tongue flatting on the skin.

“No.” Dean rumbled, biting on his ear, “I like it when you’re turned on. Had dirty thoughts about me, didya?”

“I’m sorry.” Cas murmured, exposing his neck to Dean’s tongue as he felt himself get push down with the car seat rolling backwards, Dean on top. He felt the hunter’s hand working to undo his pants, all the while staying on his neck.

“I like it. Think dirtier about me.” Dean whispered on his ear, finally freeing Cas’ already hard cock. “Fuck, you’re hot like this Cas. I like it when you’re hot like this.”

“Dean, we’re in the middle of the road.” Cas called with eyes averting to the windows.

“We’ll make it quick.” Dean replied absentmindedly as he slid down the angel’s waist. Cas put hands on his hair and caressed his ears, unable to help squirming when Dean fondled his balls.

“Your shoulder, Dean—”

“Just don’t move.”

Cas gasped and bucked forward when Dean took him in one full swallow. He grabbed a fistful of the man’s hair and arched his back, sinking his fingers and holding Dean in place. The hunter sucked him down hard and full of thirst, Cas felt his dick getting pulled into his dirty mouth. He wanted to open his legs wider, but they were trapped under Dean’s weight. Cas groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. The tightening feeling in his stomach was reaching its limits as Dean continued working his tongue, slurping up and down his trembling cock, its shape sticking more often on the hunter’s cheek as he kissed it with devotion. Castiel couldn’t remember the last time he breathed when his hips began moving on its own. Glossy mixture of spit and slick covered his cock which Dean only sucked on. Cas didn’t—he didn’t know but Dean was urging him to follow the fluid motion of getting in and out of his mouth— _like he was fucking in Dean’s mouth._ The thought had Cas bucking forward again, calling Dean’s name as he reached a tightness coursing from his spine, gathering at the base of his groin. Dean knew he was coming and quickened his pace, putting both hands on each of Cas’ legs, he swallowed Cas whole one last time before the tension broke and exploded in his mouth. Cas groaned in his orgasm as he twitched and jerked inside him. Dean took everything straight to his throat.

“Fuck…” Dean licked the corner of his lips as he straightened up from below. Cas could only see him through the haze of his eyes. He reached and stroked the corner of Dean’s mouth, wiping away his come while Dean grinned at him. “You’re too good, Cas… just too good.”

Castiel breathed and let Dean tuck his softening cock in his boxer and zip his pants. The hunter planted a chaste kiss on his lips before crawling back to the driver’s seat and turning the engine on. The angel closed his eyes and felt the wind on his warm face as they drove forward, falling easily into a peaceful sleep beside the man he knew was his life.

* * *

When Cas stirred and opened his eyes, he found himself looking at a bright blue sky out of the window. Blinking, he looked beside him to find the driver’s seat empty. He raised from the car seat and found himself looking at the horizon of only the sky kissing the ocean on top of a mountain side. The angel couldn’t help the awed feeling and the excitement that escaped his lips as he slipped out of the car. The beautiful scene of being at the edge of mountain in a grassy plane, above the tall pine trees with nothing around him except the high views of the sky as he stood mere feet from a curved edge had the angel’s jaw dropping. The sun was high up but numerous white clouds crowded around it, keeping at bay the heat and leaving only warmth. It was a sight to see. It was one of those heaven on earth Cas always liked to stay when he had his wings. A haven too high for other people to reach and too secluded for an angel to call his own. But very beautiful.

And what made the picture perfect was a handsome man on his dark green jacket, kneeling down what appeared to be set of firecrackers tied on woods as a makeshift stand. He had a hammer and string beside him with pure concentration on his expression. A couple of feet from it were two foldable chairs with set of food in the middle. Cas remained rooted on the spot, watching Dean, mesmerized.

“Hey,” the hunter called when he noticed him, standing on his feet, beaming. “Like it?”

Cas was only looking at Dean. He had to smile at his happy face. “It’s perfect.”

“Wear your trench coat, the breeze is strong. But we can always cuddle.” The hunter winked.

Cas didn’t think he’d counter that as he turned back to the car. Minutes later he was sitting with Dean on the foldable chairs, letting the view sink in with a warm coffee on his hand from Dean’s thermos. Dean was drinking his usual beer but two cans in a span of fifteen minutes wasn’t Dean Winchester’s limitation. Cas sighed as he closed his eyes and leaned back, his trench coat keeping him warm.

“What’s this place, Dean?” he asked in the silence and peace he never thought he’d find again.

Dean didn’t look back at him, his own green eyes transfixed at the horizon. He took a sip from his beer with a slight furrowing of his brows. Cas glanced at the man quietly and let him take his time.

“I found this place months back… when I could get to my feet after…” he let his voice falter and Cas knew what he meant. After the _graveyard._ After everything around them shattered. Cas found himself unable to pry his eyes away from the hunter. Dean looked very grim under the sunlight and Cas ached to reach him. “I was… I was in pain, Cas… I was angry with myself… most of the time I couldn’t even sleep. I had to drive… I kept driving. I wanted to get rid of what I done to you… to Jack. I drank a lot. It wasn’t enough so I drove. Sammy couldn’t get hold of me for days… I thought I’d die from guilt, Cas…” Castiel reached for Dean’s arms and pulled his chair close to him so he could put his head on his shoulder. Dean put a hand around his shoulder, avoiding his injured one. “I thought I’d never see you. I thought I, for many weeks, I thought I killed you. I wanted to die, Cas.”

“Dean.” Cas quickly looked up in concern to see Dean’s green eyes shining with tears but he was smiling.

“No, I’m fine. Found you, didn’t I?” he pulled the angel and kissed his temple. With a heave of sigh, he let Cas’s head stay on his shoulder as he went on, “I drove around and found this place. It was one of those… you say ‘dark moments’ like in chick flicks? I had that. Then I found this one morning. With my car parked just here, not a memory of how I got here. I walked around lost in this breathtaking view.”

“It certainly is breathtaking.”

“You know who I remembered when I stood at the edge?” Cas raised his head again with a frown. For Dean to stand at the dangerous line of the cliff—? But he saw Dean looking at him warmly, his right hand reaching for the angel’s chin. “You. I thought of you.”

Cas fell silent, feeling Dean’s thumb rubbing the corner of his lips. “Dean…”

“I thought of you and how an angel must still be watching over me. Because who else woulda let me see this heaven except for an angel? My head cleared. I felt I got healed somewhere… And I thought of you and thought I wanted to bring you here when I find you. I’ll bring you here and never let go of you again. I did. And I’m the happiest, sappiest man you’ll find on earth right now.”

Castiel closed his eyes as he brushed his lips on Dean’s. “I’m here now… and I’m the happiest, sappiest angel you’ll find walking this earth, too.”

Dean smiled at him and kissed him further. They parted and found comfort in each other’s arms, watching the view with its beauty multiplying in their sparkling eyes. Cas had never felt contented. He thought he’d never feel any happier but he did, when Dean told him he was getting cold and needed an angel to warm him up added with the run of his tongue on his lips. Cas could only grin back and told him amidst the battle of kisses how he’d never look at the impala the same way again.

* * *

Dean woke up Cas from the back of the impala near dusk where the sun was already halfway sinking on the reddening ocean. Cas stumbled upward, feeling his hips ache at the nonstop action he’d gone through a few hours back. Not that he wasn’t aching while they did it before, but the close container of the impala was getting on his sore legs that kept hitting the windows or car seat. Dean once told him the angel might just crack one of the windows open with a surprise orgasm kick. Cas retorted then Dean shoulda bring a bed. Neither had done it on the bed, they both realized. Which only ignited another round of lustful sex that had the impala shaking to the ground.

Cas came out in full clothes to find Dean pacing around his firecrackers. The man was only in his tight gray shirt and jeans, unmindful of the wind. Few stars could already be seen in the violet sky as Cas scrambled back to the car to get Dean’s jacket. When he turned around however, he found Dean walking towards him with a huge grin on his lips, a party popper in the shape of gigantic candy on his side.

“Hey, Cas, hold the end of this wouldya?” he said excitedly, handing the angel one of the pop candy’s end. Cas did as he was told, wrapping Dean’s jacket on his arm. “You pull when I count to three. We’ll wait till the sun disappears and poof! Start of our year!”

“It isn’t a new year, Dean.” Cas said with the corner of his lips twitching into a smile.

“Yeah, I know.” Dean shifted on his feet looking oddly awkward, a free hand shooting at the back of his neck, “but well… it’s been full 24 hours since we… y’know… been together. Officially. With our Baby.” He nodded at the impala with another impish grin and Cas couldn’t help smiling. Dean looked so adorable like that.

“On three then?” the angel asked. Dean nodded. Cas gripped the end as the hunter looked at the sun. “I think I should do the counting. Angels have basic instinct of the number of years, cycles, turns in orbits even change of wind and rising and sinking sun after all.” He raised an eyebrow at Dean smugly.

Dean blinked at him clearly taken, then he bit his bottom lip with eyes flashing. “That’s a turn on, Cas. You baddy. I’ll get you for that.”

“Three,” Cas began without even eyeing the sun, but fully focused on Dean’s eyes. _What was the difference anyway? Dean was much more than the sun for him now._ “Two… _one.”_

They both pulled and the party cracker exploded with confetti around them. Surrounding the two who had found each other’s arms locking and pulling as they fell into another passionate kiss. Dean cramming Cas into the little space in the middle of his arms. Castiel answered without holding back, all mouth open for Dean to take. They groaned and panted. He could taste Dean’s beer and the cheese in him too. But mostly, it was just pure Dean. Cas love kissing him. The hunter breathed into him, slipping his tongue in him and yanking on his lower lip. Sucking was another word they did for a long while and Cas faltered into the edge of the car when Dean pulled. Both were breathless as they stared at each other, Dean with eyes lighting up like the stars and Castiel whose blue eyes shone like the moon.

Both just knew they will have a perfect night.

Dean then laughed and turned on his heels. “Come on, Cas, time for the firecrackers!”

Cas watched Dean jog in the middle of the plane, his back not leaving the impala. He just leaned there, watching the hunter with perplexity and amazement. It was at that moment he realized loving Dean had no depths. It was at that moment he realized that after all the suffering he’s been through, he realized he’d go through all of it again if it meant having moments like this with Dean.

No, this were no simple moments. These were the moments he lived for. The small, yet happy moments of being together. Dean was like a child pacing around his little toy and Cas wanted to join him. Cas wanted to be in that small happiness of Dean. Wanted to be part of all of him. _He wanted to be with Dean forever. That was pure happiness._

He took a step forward when he heard flutter of wings and felt a body block his view of the hunter. Looking up, Castiel found himself face to face with none other than Jack Kline who was still wearing the same blue jacket he had don when they last met. The half angel was looking at him quietly with a little contraction on his forehead. Cas just stared at him blankly and even heard his voice from a faraway place.

_“Cas, we have to go. To the other universe.”_

Cas was too dumbfounded to react as he felt Jack’s hand on his arm. He couldn’t say anything but his eyes fell on Dean. Dean who was looking at him too with the smile on his lips disappearing. Dean who for a moment looked as lost as he did. Like both their hearts have stopped beating. Dean who opened his lips to call Cas' name—

And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There goes my heart beating  
> 'Cause you are the reason  
> I'm losing my sleep  
> Please come back now


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so happy to find out the Bridge of the song made it longer!  
> Thus we could make the eight chapter haul possible!  
> And wow the lines fit this chapter very much!  
> A bit emotional wreck at the beginning... but flawlessly happy one in the end!  
> See you in the final final final final chapter^^  
> Aiming for a happy ending!

Dean remembered walking towards the fireworks feeling elevated. He was feeling so happy with Cas beside him that no word on any language or enochians could describe the soft clouds that wanted to burst out of his heart. He looked up at the angel and beamed. Calling Cas to come closer and almost aching to get another kiss. He couldn’t wait to let the angel see how the fireworks work once the sun was out, but at the same time, Dean wished the sunlight would remain suspended in the air.

Because as Cas smiled again, Dean literally saw the sun magnify and sparkle around him. Like he was some angel who fell from heaven… _an angel who was so in love with Dean he was bursting with light like the sun._

Dean held his breath and smiled. He loves this dorky angel of his. He doesn’t care if he loses an arm or shoulder or give his body for pain. He loves Cas with all his life enough that it scared him. But this was Cas and he was Dean… what kind of hell haven’t they gone together and not come out without ending together? _Dean will always find Cas and Cas will always return to Dean_.

But just as the world seemed right, just when everything seemed perfect, beat of wings came ringing down on his ears like a signal that it was time to wake up. Dean’s smile froze on his face as he saw the familiar form of Jack stand in front of Cas. He saw Cas glance in his direction in surprise. Dean wanted to call him but the named hadn’t left his lips when both celestial beings were gone.

Dean always knew he’d die with a bullet on his head. Right now, it felt the bullet went straight to his heart.

* * *

_7 months later… Cas never answered. Dean tried to soldier through it. Cas never returned._

They said the man who lived in the cabin was a broken man.

No one knows him. No one gets in his way. His intimidating stare and brawny physique were enough to scare anyone senseless. Like he was some devil incarnate prowling about with maddening gaze, always ready for provocation. His bushy dark brown beard added something wild with the intensity of his eyes. People were always mesmerized when they catch a glimpse of them: either feeling like they wanted to run away or wanted to drown in its radiance.

Because they were beautiful shade of green, but sad. _V_ _ery beautiful._ Yet very sad.

Some says he was a former agent. Others were quick to quip he was a mercenary or some kind, a soldier of fortune. His green eyes were always shrouded with clandestine alertness, always vigilant but ever calm. He drives around town in an old dusty Chevy impala covered in dirt and scratches of driving down through the forest to the lake. He wore a brown zip up jacket, old denim and black boots that looked overused. He always carried with him a hunting fire arm swung on his shoulder and jackknife on his belt. One glimpse at the man and people knew he was dangerous and bad news.

One day, he came in town and reported an attempted robbery to the sheriff. Tagging along with him were three men all beaten up and apologetic. They apparently tried to con him for his car. It was reported the man only raised an eyebrow and gave the knuckleheads a beating of their lifetime. What made the account fascinating was the man’s unexpected weapon that fell on the ground from his jacket, rendering the robbers shock. They didn’t know what to call it, all they saw was that it was a long, cylindrical silver blade pointed on both ends. It fell from his jacket when the three tackled him at once. They accounted to the sheriff they’d seen him wield it. It scared them shitless by how it rolled in his hand expertly especially when he threw it across one of the escaping robbers and it sunk deep on the tree trunk an inch away from the robber’s head. The townspeople were in awe.

Since then they feared even the way he glanced in their direction with his fierce green eyes. These days they now fear both his green eyes and the way his unshaven beard bristles that mostly cover his face. _The Man from the Cabin_ became one the small town’s topics for months. They didn’t know when he arrived in town. All they know was that he had been living up there in the neck of the woods for less than seven months, to the cabin that most townsfolk believe to be hunted. They hardly saw him in broad day light, except when he goes down to get supplies of beers and beefs. The cashier could attest that he bought boxes of milk powder once but had never been repeated. This remove the man’s list as someone with possible secret children or keeping an abducted child.

But then, rumors of his sanity became another concern. It was well known in town the man was a barfly in the next town. He usually drinks till he’s hammered. That’s when he would curse a name, a very unusual name. _Castille_ is what floated around. The _angel who left him_ when his tablemate inquired. They figured he was _involved._ He never speaks when others mention the name and usually snaps. But he does take on women. He drinks like there is no tomorrow and make out like he’d never see daylight. They suspect he was good in bed, though none of the hookers could actually tell. The man would usually bolt out of the bed and start throwing up before anything else could happen, then would rush out of the room like a possessed man hunted by the unseen. He’d slam the car door shut and drive hastily. Hookers usually stay silent about his tears. They know he had been heartbroken by some bitch.

He also gets into fist fights a lot, most of the time yelling about demons and christos. It was always noted by prying eyes how he was usually the one getting picked on. One minute he was drinking alone, the next minute two, three, or more men from other places would come to surround him. He was never one to start the brawl that would destroy chairs and tables and shatter bottles. The funny thing was the barman hardly cared. He would duck to the counter and emerge when it’s done. The man from the cabin would usually pick himself up after the chaos, glaring at everyone before getting on with his car. The barman would then usually contact someone on the phone after and do the cleanup. Beaten and dead bodies were usually checked out by a tall handsome man in dark suit together with an old man in a baseball cap. The barman refused to give detail, but one thing was certain, there was a reason they feared _the man from the cabin._

What they heard about the cabin was far worse.

The cabin was no ordinary place for the townsfolk. People from town who normally goes the route said they’ve seen things there no one would believe. Like lightning hovering in the air in the middle of the night, blinding flash of lights like a star had fallen and ceaseless burning fire. Sometimes people would walk out of there without any car, as if they just materialized from out of nowhere. Then other unknown people in formal suits and suspicious cars appears too. Sometimes the FBI would be there. At times an exquisite red headed woman would be spotted there hastening in her steps. Whatever they’re purpose were always remained a mystery. No one dared to come close what with the man owning the place. The cabin had been leased for years. The same man remained for months like he was waiting for something.

Finally, were the rumors of the man always burning a large quantity of woods at night in a pyre. There were also some nights where townspeople would hear a howling—a painful sound not belonging to any animal. _A broken sound filling the wind carried across the lake._ They were not words, just a crack in the air that stir the silence of the night. Calling. Begging. He had no neighbors. He had no companion.

Just him screaming in the dark.

* * *

Nightmares, he had them.

Usually in the sound of loud wings getting closer and closer. He jolts awake whenever he hears them, heart thumping, eyes dilating. Then he would race down the stairs the next second, sweat covered his body and face, shouting and calling the angel’s name. He would burst out of the back door, hoping that he would find him there. _That he would finally return._

Only to see nothing in the dark. No angel to be seen. Just the plain sight of the dark water under the dark sky. That’s when the hollowed feeling of loneliness would usually strike. At first, Dean laughed it out on the few months of missing him. Said Castiel was playing with him because the angel had an ill-sense of making people wait for his return. Well, Dean had been waiting and it felt like every second was eating his soul. He wakes up every night at the sound of beating wings until they became torments. Dean told Cas it was an unfair game. He shouted it in the dead of the night when he finds himself barefoot on the ground. Cas knew Dean was never good with getting left behind. Dean begged him to return. Even built the pyre to let Cas see the light where he could come back. Dean even begged Jack to listen to him— to take everything else but not Cas. But the hollow response in the air was always like a sharp ice piercing his worn heart.

Cas never answered. He tried to soldier through it. Cas never returned.

How many times had he woken up an found himself asleep by the ground where Cas had died? He wasn’t coming back. Castiel remained on the other side of the universe with its door sealed tauntingly. A place he could never follow.

Dean clutched on his aching chest. What Castiel meant to him was more than the summation of four-letter word. Cas meant the world to him and without Cas, Dean simply felt…stuck. _Empty._ And like those many months of waking up on his own, raw emotions crawled out of his chest and he would wail in the night. A painful scream. With all his heart, with all his gut, he would scream loud light his lung was being ripped apart. His green eyes were a messy well, always filling and flowing. He couldn’t stop his chokes and spits covering his face, releasing all his anger, his pain, his heart. He wanted to throw up his heart but it wouldn’t.

The pain in his shoulder had long disappeared. He prayed with all his heart it would return.

He’d take that pain any day if it meant having _him._

Castiel never answered.

* * *

Another car parked outside the cabin early one morning. Sam found his brother already awake by the backdoor, overseeing the morning view with one hand on his waist, the other holding a can of beer. He had his back on him. The view remained the same with the lake as peaceful as ever, but the man’s broad shoulder spoke of its burden otherwise. Dean had never looked so old.

“Hey, Dean?” Sam called, standing by the doorway and leaning on the entrance. “Isn’t it too early to be drinking?”

“No such thing.” Came a husky reply of a man without proper sleep. Sam watched him with worried eyes.

“I got breakfast ready. Come on, dude, let’s have your stomach full. You know that’s not healthy. When was the last time you ate actual breakfast since I last visited?”

Dean sipped from his can and shrugged emptily. “Tuesday.”

“Dude! That’s like a week ago! _It’s Tuesday today!_ ”

“That’s why I said Tuesday.” Dean threw the can on the waste basket that’s been filling for many weeks. The can bounced off the rack on to the ground where several other crushed cans were left forgotten. Sam chewed whatever he was about to say as Dean walked quietly with him into the house. He didn’t make any comments on Dean’s beard, he didn’t even comment on his brother smelling like mint and beer at the same time. But what Sam had a strong say about was Dean’s eating habit. Sam had been trying to make his visits regular to look after his brother. He knew Dean was in a messy place right now, what with Castiel suddenly disappearing. There was not a day that Sam didn’t pray for Castiel to return, but if the angel won’t return even from Dean’s plea, Sam just knew he had no chance on it either. Both the Winchesters knew that Castiel was out of their reach now.

“Burger? Pancake? _Pie?”_ Sam asked as he rounded on the kitchen counter, making sure that Dean took a seat on the table. Sam frowned when he saw his brother already opening another can of beer. Dean flickered dead eyes to him, his mouth curling.

“Give me real food, man. Thought you’re here to make it less bearable?”

“I brought all your favorites and you said no.” Sam delivered food on the table and dropped on the chair opposite his brother. Dean scanned his eyes on meat, salad and fish. “Dean, you probably realized you’ve not been yourself lately. Why don’t we go back to the Bunker so you can have a fresh start? Get your perspectives right and maybe a month or a year from now and you can come back here. Maybe stop thinking about it for a while? Dean, you need a break.”

He received a long stare where Dean quietly raised the can to his lips, his green eyes not leaving Sam’s.

“You’re doing that mistake again.” Dean said abruptly.

“What? What mistake?

“ _It_.” Dean said and a passing glint appeared on his eyes as he lowered the can down the table. “Cas is not an _it_ , Sam. He’s my Cas.”

Sam stared at his brother’s face quietly and slowly looked down his own hand. Sam could still remember that morning when Dean called him urgently and told him what happened. It was a morning like this too. He woke up with his phone ringing on his pillow. He heard Dean’s frantic voice. He told him how Jack came out of nowhere and took Cas. How Dean immediately told him to trace the phone that was on his jacket Castiel was carrying. How he was using the spare he got from the impala…

Then Sam pointed him in that familiar location in the North. Kelly’s cabin. Sam said he’d follow Dean at once and did everything he could to reach his brother. He didn’t know what exactly happened or why Jack took Cas to Kelly’s cabin. Was Jack trying to protect Cas? Did he think Dean was still out there planning to hurt them?

But what Sam feared the most was the idea that it was by the cabin. The place where the rift of two universes linking to Michael’s dominion first appeared. Rifts could appear anywhere, but it was the same place where Cas reported Jack disappeared. If Jack had wanted to stay on this universe, why does he have to go back to the cabin…? Unless he wanted to use the same portal… Sam wished that he was wrong.

He was not.

He came at dawn after a 15-hour drive—shortening the usual 24 hours— and found the impala already left on the side of the road, its door left open. Sam shut it close and ran inside. He passed the hallway, looking for any sign of struggle and was glad to find none. He knew Dean never wanted to hurt Jack anymore, but he wasn’t sure Jack would believe him. He came around the back door with the sun creeping up behind the mountains and Dean’s form kneeling on the ground. He ran to him, asked him what happened but Dean wouldn’t even look at him. Dean was clutching on a folded jacket as he knelt on the ground, staring into the trees with an expression Sam had only seen him had when Cas died. Sam put the pieces together and groaned silently for Dean. Cas was gone. Jack took him. He knew this was not good. Dean’s dead expression was not good.

They stayed for full five days in the cabin with Dean insisting Cas would return to him. Cas always does. Sam couldn’t do anything until Dean was ready. Dean looked so numb. Much more than the dead expression when he first found Cas had said yes to Lucifer, refusing to believe Cas would leave him deliberately. A full month. Dean’s resolve slowly faded and he began drinking. Began taking cases recklessly. Sam looked out for his brother

Dean didn’t do anything for days. Whatever was happening inside his brother, Sam knew it was unhealthy. He knew Dean was strong but this was bordering to danger. Dean had lost many people in his life, their parents, Bobby, Kevin, Joe, Charlie and even Cas. But never had Dean looked as lost as he did now. Like some switch had been clicked off him, lights no longer visible in his green eyes. It was because despite whatever monster or hunter says, Dean will always be most vulnerable when it came to his love ones. That made him the most lethal hunter in the world, because he works to protect with all his heart.  But Dean never saw that. He only always put Sam before he sees the goodness in himself. Sam wished Dean would cry at least.

It never happened. Not until Dean decided to go back in the cabin. Dean insisted he was fine and that Sam had to return to their family business. Sam did. Sam thought Dean was going to be okay, but he still kept a silent eye on him via the bartender in the local town. The stories that reached him were as what Sam feared.

His brother who had been once broken and pieced together by Castiel’s miraculous appearance, was once again shattered and left in fragments. Sam wanted to help the best way he could. He stuck with Dean.

“All I’m saying is you need to take a rest from thinking about him for a while. Now, I know it’s hard—”

“You didn’t think I’ve tried?”

“You did, but I don’t think you even understand how detrimental this has all been to you.” Sam was not to be unintimidated. “Dean—I don’t think Cas—”

“Yeah, you don’t.” Dean snapped with fierce eyes, “Cause you know why? Cas isn’t even here. Cas isn’t even in this world! I don’t even know what the fuck’s happening to him— _don’t even know if he’s alive! I—”_ whatever Dean was going to say was caught in his throat as his eyes well with hot searing tears. Sam pressed his lips and felt his own eyes sting. What he’d do to make Cas appear now.

“But Dean...” he tried again as his brother emptied the beer can and tossed it across the room. Sam watched as Dean put both hands on top of his head. “Come on, Dean—you know he’s alive. Cas is tough… and you know what? I do know he will return… to you. He always does. But you can’t be this way while waiting… Dean, you can’t spend the rest of your life waiting like your life depended on it. I’m certain Cas would want you to continue your life…”

Dean suddenly smiled. Sam was caught off guard by its sheer meaning. It was the same smile Sam had seen their father wear whenever Sam would see him drink alone in the dead of the night while clutching an old photo of their mother. Dean was just like their father. Sam didn’t need to hear him scream. It was loud and clear.

_What life?_

* * *

Sam left that afternoon after making sure Dean had proper lunch prepared on the table. He said he had a case across town that needed looking into. Dean offered to come but Sam shook his head and said he could handle it. Told Dean to sleep on it and maybe later at dinner Dean might take the offer to return to the Bunker. Sam left in his dark FBI suit and took his blue car promising Dean he would return soon. Leaving the older hunter on his slumped on the bed with knees bend at the foot of the bed. He stared blankly at the dark ceiling. No particular thought came to mind. He felt calmer than he used to. After a long shower his brother prodded him to take with a meal he didn’t think he needed, he felt much clear headed.

And aware very much of the fact that Cas was gone.

Dean closed his eyes and heaved a heavy sigh. He turned on his side, head on his bent arm. He opened his eyes lazily and stared at the wall. It was also blank. So was his soul. What was he even doing there? Should have taken the chance to run away when he could. He was done. He told himself that many times. He was so done… and so tired.

The clock ticked louder than it should. Dean didn’t remember closing his eyes. He became aware of his easy breaths and his arms crossed about his chest. He must’ve fallen asleep judging by the weight his body was pulling him. He wondered if Sam has returned. He’d tell Sam he’d have to stay… Cas might return and miss him…

Someone was stroking his hair. Dean nuzzled his head on his arm, feeling warm and calm. The hand was comforting and gentle. Dean wished it would stay. It felt familiar to his soul. Felt like Cas was there watching him and Dean wished it was true. He had dreamt of these many times only to wake up disappointed that hope was no longer part of his processing. He knew he shouldn’t raise his hopes up. He had learnt his lessons months ago. He knew he’d wake up more torn with expectation after his mind’s game.  Knew it was a memory of Cas’ hand because his body had been aching for him. Dean curled on his side and exhaled. The hand slowly disappeared and Dean nearly whimpered at the pain exploding in his chest. He was sure he’d find himself outside the cabin, howling out his name if these nightmares don’t stop being too real.

_He wanted it to be real so bad…_

“Dean.”

Dean shut his eyes tighter. He pulled his arms closer to his body. _No… enough with the nightmares…_

But then Dean’s eyes shot open as the hand returned and began stroking his ear. Dean froze for a second, then clamped his own hand and caught the soft fingers, allowing his senses to affirm someone was there behind him. Then he jerked his whole body around, his muscles tensing, his eyes falling on the dark-haired angel there all of him to see. The apparition Dean had been dreaming about, yet all he could do was gape with cold bead of sweat on his forehead.

He didn’t let go of the angel’s hand. Instead, he burned the memory of Cas’ blue eyes in his memory because he was sure another month or so and he would’ve forgotten how deep and beautiful they were. Cas was watching him quietly and allowed Dean to take him in.

Then Dean heard himself croak the angel’s name as he reached out for the angel. He knew Cas was real when he pulled him in a bone crushing hug. He couldn’t feel his arms but he kept pulling Cas closer. His heart was racing. Beating. Thrashing. This was real. _This was real._ Dean could barely close his wide eyes as the angel stayed in his arms, their heads almost joining in one body as the hunter refused to leave any spaces to separate them. Dean clawed his hands on the layers of the coat, up to the back of Cas’ head and neck. Tried to take him as much as he could. Called his name again and again, wanting Castiel to answer.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s body and sighed. “Dean.”

Dean called him again, his nose buried on the angel’s shoulder as tears wouldn’t let up. Every time he did, Cas would call him back. Softer. Gentler. Like he understood the need to respond. Dean’s body shook. He couldn’t control the sob that escaped his lips. At the back of his mind, he was laughing at his own reaction. Way to impress the guy he loved by looking like the most pathetic cling-ass in the history of boyfriends. But he shoved everything out of his mind. Cas was back. Cas has finally returned to him. Dean didn’t know who finally made the deal but he wanted this. _Fuck, he wanted this!_

After what felt like eternity, he felt Castiel gently lower his hands to his shoulders down to the side of his waists. Dean didn’t want to but the angel coaxed him to look at each other. That’s when he observed that Cas was wearing a number of gray layered desert coat, shirt and dusty pants beneath, his neck sporting a dirty white and black checkered scarf. Dean bit his lip. He wondered if he looked as badass as the angel but he forgot the rest when he looked Castiel’s blue eyes were everything he had been longing for. He couldn’t help cupping Cas’ cheeks with trembling hands.

 “Is this real?” he croaked, his voice worn and defeated. _Because if this isn’t… he might just throw himself on the lake._ Cas’ eyes flickered in concern but his voice was calm. He reached both the sides of Dean’s arms and nodded.

“Of course. This is real, Dean. I’m here. I’m always here.”

Waterworks. Damn waterworks. Dean pressed his temple on the angels and shut his host like eyes. He hissed and gulped. The pain was not being washed away, but it was getting burned close. It felt like someone was slowly pulling a blade out of his fiery organs. Castiel’s hands were wiping his tears looking troubled.

“Dean…”

“Don’t…”

There was not enough air in his lungs. Dean wondered if he was about to pass out. But he locked his eyes on those ocean blue and nuzzled their noses closer. “Don’t leave me again, Cas… please…I don’t know what I’d do if this is… if you’re not… _fuck… Cas, Cas—_ _I need you!”_

Cas’ eyes widened.

“I didn’t… Dean, I… I was doing what I thought best at the time. I’m sorry it had to happen… I wanted to fix it. I’m sorry. I’ll never leave you again, Dean… I’m going to stay now. I’m sorry.” There was urgency in his voice as his hands clutched the hunter’s arms. “Dean… _Dean_ , talk to me.”

But Dean was staring at the angel like he had never seen him before. The ringing silence around them defeating.

“What…?” Dean didn’t recognize his voice as he pulled up. “What do you mean…doing your best to fix…” Dean’s eyes rounded, “Did you… _did you let Jack take you?”_

Cas seemed to observe the hardening features on his face and only managed to open his mouth to an answer.

“I wanted to protect you.”

Dean felt his body go rigid. All of a sudden, a part of his brain opened and began working furiously on the questions he buried deep in his mourning of losing the angel. Now it came tumbling back up like acid— _Cas wouldn’t just let Jack do what he wants. Jack had faithfully followed Castiel.  Castiel wouldn’t be taken against his will—not if it meant getting separated from Dean… after what they’ve both mean to each other… so why was Cas gone?_

“Protect me from what?” he couldn’t help the rising of his tone.

_“Dean you were hurt—”_

Dean stood up abruptly while shaking his head. Suddenly, he wanted to put that much distance between them. He sobered up. He felt all the tingling muscles on his brain, felt his throat dry at what he was about to ask. Felt his knees buckle at what he would find. But most of all, found Castiel the scariest thing in the world.

“Dean…” Cas stood up to level with his eyes, his eyes full of meaning.

 _“Did you choose to leave me on your own?”_ Dean growled, his eyes a pair of dangerous glinting orbs.

Cas shook his head. “I didn’t want to leave you, Dean… but I had to.”

_Fuck!_

Dean snarled and raised his eyes to heaven. He felt all his limbs shake. Felt the very ground he stood would erupt. He opened his mouth to let out the anger seeping in his skin. He looked like a bomb ready to explode. When he looked back at the angel, the angel looked ashen and guilty— _as he should be!_ Dean could barely contain his anger without destroying half of what’s in the room. And it scared him a little how he wanted to hurt Castiel—how Dean wanted to break him. Just like how Castiel had broken him. But he only grappled his fists and gritted his teeth. He could feel his muscles shaking. Could feel his head reeling.

“Dean—”

 _“DON’T!”_ Dean raged as he pointed a threatening hand at the angel who looked at him in alarm. “Don’t you dare— _"_ he pressed his lips and advanced on Castiel who stood his ground and flinched a little. Dean noticed and huffed the hot steam out. He tried to be calm. _“Why, Cas!?WHY!?”_

“It was for your sake.”

Dean laughed now and slammed a palm on his face. Castiel spoke more urgently.

“Dean, you were not supposed to take on my pain… I was okay with it and when I saw you hurt I… I couldn’t leave with myself seeing you’re hurt because of me… It scared me. I don’t want that, Dean… please, Dean.”

“So, you decided to take on a little trip to another universe, to what?” Dean was still growling, his face set. “So, you could keep yourself away hidden where no one can threaten your shoulder!?”

“No, Dean, listen— Jack informed me there was a way to remove the bullet. The other archangel… Michael specifically had designed a similar material to control rebelling angels. Michael wanted the rebels to die with their comrades. Apparently, my own version enjoyed handing it out without the knowledge of those angels and humans. That way they control the number. And make the rebels kill each other.  It was a plausible torture to the rest of those fighting for the cause. Luckily, the other universe Gabriel was able to find a way to reverse it. That’s when he was killed by Michael.”

Dean was only half listening, sharp eyes on Cas, “Jack told you this? And you decided to fix it on your own?”

“Yes.”

“He told you this before opening the rift?”

“He explained it clearly. I wanted it to be done quick.”

 _“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT FOR ME, CAS?!”_ Dean was roaring again, stepping closer and closer till the angel was under him, not stepping back as if ready to embrace him, “ _YOU KNEW I’D FIND YOU! WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT FOR ME! WE COULD’VE GONE THERE TOGETHER!”_

Castiel hesitated. When he spoke, Dean hated the way he was calm. “I wouldn’t have asked you to come even if I could. You were already hurt because of me. I couldn’t take the risk of putting your life in danger again, Dean. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“But… you… you left me…” Dean sound so broken that made Cas want to wrap his arms around him.

“I know, Dean… but I can’t stand it knowing you’re cursed because of me.”

“I chose that, Cas! _For you!”_

“I made a choice too.” Castiel shook his head and the spark of determination in his eyes shook the hunter, “And you’ll always be my choice, Dean. My only choice.”

Dean felt like he was slapped in the face.

“What am I to you Cas? Some china you need to always put aside on the cabinet to keep from breaking?! D’you know what I went through when you vanished before my eyes? D’you have any idea how I….” Dean lost his composure and had to step back and turn around cursing.

“Dean…” Cas saw the familiar expression of etching on Dean’s face when he was unforgiving. He watched the hunter brush his face with his cold palm. Then Dean shook his head vigorously and before the angel, he walked out of the room.

“Fuck you, do what you want. I’m done.”

* * *

Cas stared at the space Dean disappeared to, swallowed hard, before following him down the stairs. Dean was already out of the cabin before Cas could catch up to him. He was already in the impala before Cas could step out of the house. Then Dean had pulled out of the driveway on to the road with his tires screeching in the middle of the silent night.

Cas watched the impala go, staring blankly as its lights disappeared into the long, winding road then gone. Leaving the angel standing at the side of the road with mouth slightly opened. Slowly, he closed his lips but didn’t move from the spot with his fist clenching thinking how the impala brought with it the only happiness he knew he would ever feel in the world.

Sam’s car came after an hour and found the angel sitting on the side of the road with the desert cloak off his shoulder and was now on his hand. The blue mercury cougar stopped on his side of the road with headlights bright. Cas looked up and found Sam waiting for him inside. Quietly, the angel clambered on his feet and joined the younger Winchester in the car.

They did not meet any other car on the long stretch of the long, dark road. Cas and Sam sat quietly till the hunter broke the silence in the air.

“How are you, Cas?”

Cas looked down his hands, his gray shirt seemed too tight. “I’ve been better, thank you. Though, I’d rather really be in your brother’s car right now. No offense.”

“Me too.” Sam didn’t take his eyes off the road, “Really, I’m glad you’re back, Cas. What happened to Jack?”

“He went back first thing to the alternate universe… You know what took him long to return from the other universe? He found the other Kelly. His mother.”

Sam whistled. “Whoa… I thought they’d never make it… that… that sounds great, but he does know she isn’t really his mother, right?

“Of course. But seeing her had always calmed Jack. And like our Kelly, she’s also very warm.”

Sam blinked. “Does he plan to stay here… or there? With Michael out…?”

“He wants to bring Kelly here, but he’s still worried about being soulless…”

“Oh….” The conversation died in Sam’s turn. So sighing, he finally said, “Dean called me an hour ago and told me to pick you up.” Cas gave Sam a surprised look, and then sadly looked down his hand again.

“He did…? That’s… thank you.”

“He didn’t exactly tell me what happened,” Sam went on, “but by the sound of it… _you chose this Cas._ You chose to leave Dean behind.”

“I was doing the right thing.” Castiel glanced at Sam quietly. “Jack told me a way to remove the bullet. I found a way to keep Dean safe and I took it. Tell me, Sam… is it wrong to keep the person you love safe?” He gave the hunter a piercing look to which Sam only half glanced at before facing the road.

“I know what you mean, Cas… but that’s not how Dean sees it. That’s never how he’s seen it when it comes to you… or me.” Cas saw Sam tighten his hold on the wheel, “Dean, he’s… he’s always been out there looking after the people he cared about Cas—”

“Am I supposed to let him take care of me too?” Castiel frowned. He clearly understood Dean’s sentiments, and frankly he was hurt that Dean was hurt because of him. But there are things that Cas would never let Dean decide and one of them was always the hunter’s safety. “I’m an angel, Sam. Both your angel. I am not designed to stand idly by and let you, my friends, take care of me while I have my powers. That’s my job.”

“It’s not about description of a job, it’s about family, Cas.”

“And as Dean’s family, I’d do anything to protect him.” Cas replied firmly. “Even if it meant my life, I’d gladly do the sacrifice as long as you’re both okay.”

“And afterwards?” there was a hint of challenge in Sam’s tone now. He couldn’t help remembering the broken sound of Dean’s voice on the phone. “D’you have any idea what happens to those left behind, Cas? Has it ever occurred to you how painful it is for us? Especially for Dean? To see you go again like that? Cas—you didn’t see Dean when Lucifer killed you. He was a total mess… and these last few months? He was never the same again, Cas. So don’t go thinking your life is only as good as your sacrifice. Sure, we feel lucky and blessed to have an angel as our best friend but Cas—you’re more than just an angel to us. _To Dean._ And every time you put yourself out there for our sake—it’s humbling but scary at the same time. And I think that’s the thing that scares Dean the most.”

Sam glanced now at Castiel, pulling his foot a little from the gas and meeting the angel’s doubtful blue eyes.

“Cas, _you scare Dean the most._ That he’ll suddenly wake up with you gone. Cause what’ll happen if—if fate played us again and you suddenly decide Dean is better off without you? Are you going to leave him again?”

Cas pulled his eyes back on the road with chest heaving a sigh deeply.

“If it means he’s safe, Sam…” he swallowed again with fist clenching. “If it meant it’ll keep him safe, I’d do it. It doesn’t matter what happens to me. I’ll keep him safe if it’s the last thing I do.” He pressed his lips in determination. Sam saw that and took his eyes back to the road, slightly looking at the side mirror with a shake of his head.

“I guess that’s why we’re both here in my car again. Back to square one.”

“Yes.” Cas replied through gritted teeth. “But I think it’s more of a circle.”

They drove in silence after that, Cas his eyes delving into the blackness of the night with no visible stars. Thinking how Dean was driving alone right now, how he wished he was there to comfort him. But he knew having removed the bullet and having Dean at the same time was a happiness not easily achieved. He closed his eyes and tried to listen to Dean’s prayers. He missed Dean’s prayers.

There were none.

* * *

They arrive in the bunker after a long drive, mostly silent as they climbed down the Bunker’s metal stairs. Cas wandered his eyes on the familiar ceilings, walls and warmth of the Bunker. He let the tip of his hand touch the war room map table and sighed. Sam had gone to the kitchen but Castiel stopped at the table of the library where he saw an empty can of beer on it. He took it and sat at the chair before it. The chair was warm. Dean had been waiting for them. He was just here moments ago. Castiel sighed again and placed both arms on the table, holding the can into a prayer and pressing his temple on to it.

He wanted to see Dean. But Dean didn’t want to see him. There had been plenty of occasions where Dean chose to ignore him. That time he lost the angel tablet and Dean accused him of distrusting him. Dean doesn’t understand it was pure instinct of an angel to protect the tablet. Another was the time with killing Billie. Cas didn’t care. The Winchesters needed saving and he’d kill any reaper, any angels and demons threatening them. Even if it meant having Dean not speak to him. But he wished the man didn’t have to be that way. Dean didn’t have to feel so protective of him. The last was about Mary and Jack. Now that one had Castiel on gears. He wondered how long they were going to last this time. Really going head to head with Dean was something Cas thinks he was really good at.  He just really wished they could fix it before anything bad happens like heaven shutting angels out or angel soldiers kill each other or someone getting shot on the shoulder.

He really wished Dean wouldn’t have to be that angry. But he knew that was part of the package and Castiel loved this part of the man all the same. Dean wouldn’t be Dean if he wasn’t angry every time his love ones are in danger. Because it means Dean cares… that Dean loved enough to get angry.

 He quietly let the ticking of the clock distract him. He left the library at break of dawn, knowing Sam and Dean would be rolling and Dean… he might kidnap Dean to his room if Cas sees him. He put himself on the corner of the war room, quietly sensing the brothers around the kitchen. He heard them talk in low voices, and then Dean’s tone getting cold. Cas closed his eyes. This was not how he imagined his return would be like. It in mind, by now he should be all over Dean. But Dean had other plans. The angel put his right hand’s fingers at the bridge of his nose and pressed. He quietly listened attentively to Dean walking away and shutting himself in his room. It made him bite his lips. He wouldn’t be expecting Dean in good mood today it seemed.

Hours rolled like that with Cas always sensing Dean. A time came when Sam checked on him. Then Dean actually went out to look for him too but after seeing Cas seated quietly in the war room, he retreated back his room. Cas couldn’t help bowing his head in confusion. Dean wanted him. But Dean was shutting him out at the same time. He felt the same, but unlike the latter, he’d very much want Dean closed in his arms. It unbalanced him, made him want to act selfish but was afraid it would only anger Dean. That was all he was to Dean now. The cause of his misery.

By lunch time, Cas had made himself behave so much that Sam finally had to bring him refreshments and clothes. Castiel realized he was still wearing his grey shirt with scarf wrapped around his shoulder. He watched Sam sat in front of him and pressed the usual black suit on the table.

“You’ve been here all day, Cas. In the same clothes. Think about time to change now? I bought your size but I’m still looking for a new trench coat. You don’t have to be cooped up in here at all, Cas.”

“Your brother wants to talk to me any time soon?” Cas took the clothes with a hopeful glance in the hunter’s direction. Sam paused for a moment, then quietly shook his head with a small smile.

“Don’t worry, he’ll come through. Dean always does. He can’t hate the love of his life forever.”

“Great.” Cas sighed, tightening his hold on the suit, “So this is really ‘hate’ I’m sensing?”

“More like Dean you’re sensing.” Sam affirmed. He then handed the angel a new mobile phone. “You’ll need it.”

“Can I call Dean?” Cas wondered out loud, thanking Sam right after.

The angel went to the bathroom to change. He held the black suit and pants on the other hand, while the white shirt and buttoned up on the other. He put on the long due black pants and discarded the undershirt, proceeding with the button up. He put the blue tie on but then stopped, then replaced it with the dirty scarf he rounded on his neck. Then he looked himself in the mirror. There was Jimmy Novak’s vessel staring right up at him. This was now his body for a very long time. Nothing much has changed, not even with his stay in the alternate reality. Cas put both his hands on the edge of the sink and sighed deeply. The vessel was okay. His grace was okay. Dean’s curse was lifted. Why can’t they be okay?

From the distance, he heard the familiar footsteps of Dean coming closer. The angel perked his head up and glanced at the closed door. He didn’t lock it. He waited for Dean. When the door opened, he heard the hunter’s audible gasp as his green eyes fell on the angel. Cas had to stand still and clutch on the sink so as not to lunge forward at Dean. The man was on his clean black shirt and denim. His freckles were as he remembered, but Dean’s chin was clean shaven now unlike when he found him in the cabin. Cas couldn’t help the appeal of his beard and he would have kissed him if he could. But what got Cas was the absence of hard features on the man’s eyes when caught unguarded. Dean just looked like Dean, _his Dean_. The playful hunter who’s more than his cowboy obsession and tv references. Dean the loving brother and hunter who’s always in the frontline saving the world. Cas didn’t think he could fall in love with him harder than he already does. Only to find himself reeling again under his green of eyes. So, it was the worst feeling not to be able to hold him. Cas gritted his teeth.

Dean’s eyes were fixated on him with lips parted.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean snapped back to reality and shifted on his feet. “I didn’t know… you know you could lock the door.”

“I’m almost done.” Cas said, not really paying attention as he grabbed his discarded clothes and suit. He glanced up to find Dean still looking at him. “I wish we could be okay, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes flickered as he curtly nodded. “Me too, Cas. Now why don’t you be on your way, I’m gonna need to take a leak.”

Cas stared at him for a second, then made his way to the door. Dean didn’t move an inch from the doorway and the two had a staring contest for the length of ten seconds, before the hunter stood sideways. Cas felt their shoulders brush and had to stop. He looked the hunter in the eyes.

“I miss you, Dean.”

He saw Dean watch the movement of his lips. Knew Dean was thinking of kissing him, nearly felt the force pulling them together and hope they could. But the man blinked, bowed his head, and was inside the bathroom next. Cas bit his lips and left. He heard the bathroom door close quietly.

* * *

“We’re going out on a case for a while, Cas. You gonna be okay here?” Sam came out of the kitchen complete in his FBI suit while Cas listened to heaven radio in the war room. The angel snapped his eyes open and stared at the hunter hard.

“May I come?”

“No.” it was Dean who answered. He trotted after Sam, his black shoes making sharp footfalls on the floor. Sam pressed his lips as Dean walked pass behind him. He followed Dean with his eyes while Cas turned a look at him.

“Why not?”

Dean whirled at him with a passive look. “Because I said so, and in this one you got no say. No choice.” He gave the angel a fiery look for a moment, then smirked. “But then, you never listen, do you? It’s always gonna have to be your decision, because that’s the only thing that matters. _That you make your right choices._ ”

Cas was speechless as he stared at Dean.

“Dean.” Sam whispered as he walked to the metal stairs with a tap on his brother’s shoulder. “Cas will stay.”

“He better.” Dean muttered, getting ahead of Sam without a glance back.

Sam gave Castiel an apologetic look and the Winchesters were gone with the metal doors clanging shut. But for the angel they felt like chains locking him up away from Dean. He clasped his hands together and stayed on the chair. He didn’t move an inch but he felt spent. Just listening to Dean made him lost a decade of will.

And he let the hours tick again… knowing every turn of the clock was him losing Dean’s precious mortal time.

Cas was standing outside Dean’s room with his back leaning on the opposite wall when his mobile phone rang. He easily dug it out of his pockets on to his ears, his mind alert at the breathless sound Sam was making when he called the angel’s name.

“Sam—Sam, what happened?”

_“Cas—Cas, we need help. Trace my phone—we need backup. Dean’s hurt and we’re trapped in the house full of shifters—”_

Cas was already running when he heard Sam the first time. He calmly replied to Sam’s instructions as he got into the blue mercury cougar but his heart was thumping in his chest. He couldn’t believe he let the Winchesters go out without him. Couldn’t believe he let Dean out of his sight. He turned the engines and was off like a rocket from the garage with his ears ringing with Sam’s voice— _Dean’s hurt—hurry!_

Hissing at the slowness of the car even at 200 kph, Cas pulled the car on the specific location his GPS rounded on. The sun had settled on the west and darkness loomed above his head when he saw the empty impala. He kicked the door open immediately and found five shifters with skins already dilapidating trying to open the cupboard door. He charged at them with his angel blade slipping on to his hand from the sleeve of his black coat. He ganked one straight in the heart, and used his grace to smite the next one who attacked him. Blinding flashlights filled the entire kitchen as the angel lashed in swift and calculated movements. Twirling his blade in the air and throwing it sharply at the back of a woman shifter running away from him. Two more got knives and Cas charge at them with eyes glowing white. The two remaining shapeshifters dropped their weapons and was about to beg for his mercy but too late. Cas got both his hands wrapped on their skull and proceeded smiting them. More flashes of light in the household, the windows blinking with unearthly energy. And then everything went still. Cas grabbed his blade from the dead shifter, his nose flaring.

“Cas?” Sam called from the cupboard and the angel immediately ripped the door and threw it away, unable to control his powers. He saw Sam kneeling on the ground with Dean on his lap. Dean who was writhing on the floor in pain with a large piece of wood like pole dug deep in his right side. Cas gasped inwardly as he knelt beside him, Sam straightening with gulps in his throat unstopping.

“Let me take care of it,” he took the end of the pole, essentially making Dean open his eyes and grit his teeth. The pole was stopping the blood flow which made the angel sigh. Had Dean lose those blood, it’ll be too late when he came around. He would’ve lost Dean. Just as Cas was about to put fingers on Dean’s temple, the hunter growled.

_“Don’t!”_

“Don’t be an idiot, Dean.” Sam glanced up as they heard sounds coming outside. “Take care of him.” Castiel didn’t need to hear that as the younger Winchester grabbed the angel blade and disappeared. Castiel frowned at the hunter glaring at him.

“This is no time to be stubborn, Dean. I need to heal you.”

“Yeah, fuck your _need._ ” His breathing was shallow, his face perspiring endlessly with green eyes swimming in pain. Cas hated seeing that. Castiel hated seeing Dean in pain.

“Please, let me help.”

“No, I don’t need you.” Grunted the hunter, hissing when Castiel took hold of the pole firmly. “Let me go. That’s what you do, isn’t it…? Let me go for my own…sake? Yeah… yeah you like playing that game. I don’t need you… go and disappear… _fucking don’t need you anyway…”_

Cas shook his head, knowing and wishing Dean was only delirious. But the man was about to pass out and the angel couldn’t bare seeing him like this any longer. Without saying anything, he snaked his free hand at the back of the hunter’s neck and pulled his head into a deep kiss. He healed Dean. Everything aching in Dean. He wished he could do something about Dean’s heart. He kissed him deeply even with the pole clattering on the floor after he eased it out. He continued kissing Dean passionately till Dean let him in. Their jaws moved in synch, pushing each other’s lips wider, stronger and in wanton. Castiel would never cease to realize that Dean was the only thing he needed and wanted in the world.

But the kiss was pulled into a halt when Dean pulled away. Cas was left kneeling as the man staggered to get up and walked out of the room in haste. Castiel was after him. Sam watched as the two walked pass him as he cleared the house but did not made any attempt to follow. Those two were on their own.

“Dean.”

Dean didn’t stop as he ripped his suit, leaving only his battered white shite shirt with a hole and blood as he slid in the driver’s seat. Cas stood wavering outside the impala as the hunter grabbed his brown jacket from the back seat and threw it around him. The impala’s engine was on. Cas immediately took the shotgun and snap the door close after him. Dean glared at him.

“Get out.”

 _“No.”_ Castiel’s voice was icy. He threw a sharp look at the hunter. “I’m not going to let you out of my eyes again. The last I did and look what happened. I nearly lost you.”

“You lost me the time you left me for your ego’s cure.”

Cas looked at Dean imploringly but his jaw was set. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yeah?” Dean’s death stare had the angel swallowing. “Watch me.”

He pulled the impala out to the street and drove like demons were after them. Cas gritted his teeth at the speed of a racer Dean was pulling, but he was already calculating the way how he would protect Dean if there was a car crash. There would be no saving Dean’s baby if that happened though. But as per his manual, Dean will always be his priority. Dean will have to settle to the pain of his impala’s wreckage.

They drove for half an hour to a city Cas was familiar with. The impala pulled in front of a bar and Cas knew exactly what Dean had in mind. He watched as the hunter slid out of the car and snap the door after him. Watched him go without looking back. Cas stayed for a moment, feeling a mixture of acridity and apprehension. Then quietly as he settled the distress in his heart, the angel slid out of the car on to the breeze of the night.

He entered the crowded bar and easily spotted Dean by the counter, already with a woman.

Castiel stared at them, then quietly headed to an empty table near the window side. He sat on the spot where he could easily see Dean and settled there. He put both hands on his lap, his eyes wandering to the lights, the unwiped table and then back to Dean. He couldn’t help not looking at Dean. A waitress came asking for his order and he went for water. She smiled at him and he pressed his lips. He supposed he should have taken something stronger which he could pay for. She returned with a glass of water and ice. Cas only had eyes for Dean.

He watched the hunter smile at the hooker and felt a prickle of jealousy tingling in his chest. But he remained compose, knowing Dean was only taking all his anger out by running away from the problem. The problem now was Castiel and even the angel couldn’t do anything about. He sure couldn’t go there and stop Dean. Dean had made it clear that he was still not okay. Dean was at liberty to be with anyone he wants. Castiel will never control him. But he will do everything to always, _always keep the man safe._ Even at this distance, he would.

Cas lowered his eyes when the woman wrapped her arms around Dean’s neck and whispered something on his ears. Her mouth was too close and Dean chuckled. The angel distracted himself with the melting ice on the water. Fifteen minutes and he still hadn’t touched the water. Dew was sliding on the glass. Maybe Dean will leave this place soon.

“You need something stronger.”

Castiel looked up at the person who slid on the empty chair opposite him and found a bulky man in a denim jacket and black shirt looking at him with interest. His eyes were silver, his mouth in a quick smile with clean haircut. A military person or some sort.

“Whoa…” the man blinked in surprise.

“Why?” Cas blinked in confusion. This was a full human sitting in front of him.

“Your eyes…” the man sucked some air and let out slowly, “Damn, their… insanely beautiful.”

Cas stared at the human quietly. Should he tell the man about the color of his soul now? This was a social call and the angel believe there are conventions that had to be followed. Compliment equates a compliment… and he tried his best to find one for the man.

“Thank you. And you look… _clean._ ”

The man burst out laughing, his eyes reaching a point in his eyes that was genuine. Castiel stared at him and squinted. The man suddenly stopped and gulped the rest of his laughter into clearing his throat looking distracted and almost embarrassed.

“Name’s Doug, what’s yours?”

“Castiel.” Cas lowered his eyes and found it more interesting to look at the human than the iceless water.

“Castiel? Whoa, even your names sound insanely… attractive.” He smiled warmly. Cas blinked at the human. Obviously, this was flirtation but he knew he could not afford to lose sight of Dean. Which reminded him of the hunter and looked by the counter. Dean and the woman had disappeared. Castiel felt electrified and he nearly toppled the table in his haste, but the man grabbed his hand back.

“Hey, whoa, tiger.” Doug kept a hand on him, “What’s up? Did you come here with anyone?”

“I did.” Cas wandered his eyes around and looked lost for a moment, “He… he must be with her.”

“Oh.” Doug nodded slowly, sighing when Castiel settled back. “That means you’re on your own?”

Castiel shot the human a long stare, wondering indeed, if this was what being on your own feels like. With Dean out of his sight, the angel felt vulnerable. With Dean accompanied by another human, it made him want to find him and pull him back to the safety of the Bunker. But that meant locking Dean to himself. Cas gritted his teeth.

“You need water? You don’t look so good…” the cold glass was pressed on his hand and the angel drank it in a gulp. He put the glasses down and glanced straight at Doug. “You okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“You… uh… you want to remove the scarf? You look like you need air.”

Castiel made no movement. He saw Doug reach towards his neck and let him.

Strong hands gripped Doug’s arm back in the air. The two looked up and Castiel found Dean glaring at the man with his green eyes bright and intense.

“Don’t touch him.” He said with asperity, “He’s mine.”

Doug blinked at the man, then back to Castiel, his brows furrowing. “You know this guy, Castiel?”

But Cas was looking at Dean like he had found all light in the universe. Doug pressed his lips and snatched his arms away from Dean. He stood up abruptly. He was almost the same height as Dean and the two exchanged fierce glared before Doug walked away. Dean glared down at the angel who was still looking at him.

“You gonna let him touch you?” he snarled, making Cas look down the empty glass of water. He thinks he need a strong drink now.

“Dean. Let’s go home.”

“No, Cas, you go home. I’m not going anywhere.”

Castiel sighed. “This is not what we need, Dean… we can do something about this.”

Dean leaned down the table. “Like what? We make up and make out and I find you nowhere again?”

Cas gave the man a beseeching gaze. “I wouldn’t leave you.”

Dean scoffed. “How would you know?”

Slender arms suddenly snaked on the man’s waist and Cas’ nose was assaulted with a sweet smell. Looking up, he found Dean’s date latching next to him, her lips on his cheeks in a beat.

“Hey, where’d you go? You said you’re going to book a room.”

“Did.” Dean said with a kiss on her cheek. “Just settling some score with an old friend.” He glared down at Cas.

The angel saw the woman glance in his direction and smirk. “And who’s this? Another date? Can he come with us?” she winked at him. But Cas was busy trying to control his hands from ripping her body away from Dean. He glared up and met Dean’s eyes. The hunter was looking at him too then frowned at his female companion.

“Keep him out of this, he’s mine.”

“Oooh. Then why aren’t you two fucking already?”

“Did that, but you know what? I’d rather keep you company.”

“Ahh… then pull me in the room and see if we can keep a leash on you, unlike him.”

“You can tie me all night.” Dean nuzzled on her neck and stirred her away from Castiel’s table. Cas watched them go, his knuckles whitening at how he was pressing them together on his lap. He felt the stinging of his eyes as they walked away, felt something hot and raw slicing deep down his chest. He watched Dean go. With another human in his arm, no less. The angel closed his eyes and took a deep sigh.

_No. It was too much._

He bolted out of the door with tears welling in his eyes. He strode along the empty pathway, raising his eyes face to the sky and wished it would rain. His face felt damp and warm. He wanted to choke out the pain but his lungs were stuck. He thought he had forgotten to breathe and when he did remember, the roll of tears wouldn’t stop.

He thought he’d be okay as long as Dean was safe and happy. Castiel didn’t actually care what happens to himself. But he never imagined it to be this painful. He never thought it would be like this, seeing Dean walk away. That they have separated ways. Something far worse than death itself.

Was Dean not loving him.

* * *

Dean stood distractedly by the door as she went to take off her clothes on the bed. He couldn’t forget the guy who suddenly brushed past him as they were leaving the bar. It was the guy who was sitting with Cas. Dean remembered looking back and saw that Castiel had left the bar too, his back disappearing on the door. The unknown guy who was sitting with him following the angel suit.

Dean blinked. The guy went after Cas and Dean felt hot anger fill him. Cas who let him near just now. Cas never lets anyone in his space. Only Dean. The hunter felt cold feet. He blinked several times and it took him more to realize the woman was all over him, kissing and pulling his clothes out.

But he should not be here. He had to find Cas.

Dean pushed her in an arm length and apologized. He couldn’t remember if he told her why but he knew he said Cas’ name frantically. He ran out of the room to the bar, then out on to the cold night. He looked around urgently, running in the direction he knew Cas would take. A screech of tire alerted him and Dean’s instincts kicked in as he saw a red car drove out of the parking area with the same guy who had befriended Cas. Dean called Cas’ name loud and shrill—he ran after them—almost sure that Cas was on the passenger seat but the man was quite alone. The car disappeared, leaving Dean staring at it blankly, his heart almost dying in agony.

_Where was Cas?_

But he felt him more than heard. Instincts of a hunter told him a supernatural being had eyes on his back. Dean felt his eyes bore on him from somewhere far. Slowly, the hunter looked behind him and settled his eyes on the angel who was standing in the shadows and pressed on the bar wall. Dean stared at him and Cas stared back. Dean made a low moaning sound and ran towards him.

“Cas!”

He got the angel locked in his arms in seconds. Pressing him on the wall, his fingers raking Castiel’s hair and pulling if possible, closer.

“Cas, Cas, I’m sorry.” He whispered, kissing the angel’s ears and feeling him shaking in his arms.

 _“Dean.”_ Cas groaned as he buried his nose on the nook of the hunter’s neck.

“Cas—Cas you crying?” Dean quickly pulled himself to have a better look at the angel, both hands cupping the angel’s damp cheeks. That was when Dean noticed the angel’s bleeding lip, bite marks on his chin and half ripped shirt buttons. The scarf was on the ground, forgotten. Dean froze on the spot as realization hit him.

 _“Did that fucker attack you!?”_ Dean swirled with deathly glare towards the road, with all intent to run after the guy who had dared touch his angel. Feeling all kinds of emotions radiating from guilt, rage and over-protectiveness to the body in his arms. _“I’ll rip his head out—”_

But Castiel pulled Dean back and embraced him, his temple resting on Dean’s shoulder. The angel breathed some air, feeling Dean’s solid body against him and pressed further.

“ _I’m fine, Dean_. I got him good, too… I’m not powerless.”

“It shouldn’t have happened. I screwed up, Cas, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you there…I screwed up, fuck it, I’m sorry.” Dean clawed his fingers on the angel’s back, repeating the angel’s name again and again. They stood there, warming each other, lips kissing lightly on exposed places till Castiel had stopped shaking. Dean kept breathing hard, imagining how things have ended up if he didn’t snap at that moment and went looking for Cas. He locked the angel in his arms. He will never let the angel leave him.

Cas seemed better after a few more minutes. Before he turned his lips close to Dean’s ears.

“Dean… _take me home.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to fight no more  
> I don't want to hide no more  
> I don't want to cry no more come back  
> I need you to hold me tonight


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning flags for cuddle, smuts and everything you will wish for an SPN ending.  
> Or that's just me! For the final chorus!  
> Thank you for enjoying :) Bless all our hearts!

Sam stood outside the Bunker door, hesitating if he should come in. His arms were filled with grocery bags and the trench coat he bought for Cas, but the idea of walking into them right after Dean told him on the phone hours ago that he and Cas were okay again made him pause and wonder if it was a good idea.

Because what will he expect in the Bunker now Cas and Dean are back together again? The two had been subtle when they seemed like on and off couple of months back. But a full pledge relationship—Sam stirred his thoughts away from the possibility of the Bunker finally becoming Dean’s sex dungeon. It was never okay to bring women over—that was their rule. But with Cas? Dean wasn’t the type to hold out when it comes to the angel, not even for his, Sam’s, sake. But Sam would kill him first.

He shifted on his foot, looking at his clock. It was already 9 in the morning. The two had the Bunker all to themselves the whole night. Sam shut his eyes close and shook his head. Probably best to ignore them, like he always does. He was happy for Dean… but to see him _that happy_ while banging their best friend… Sam knew he’d have to put the line somewhere, even if it has to be on his brother’s dick.

Sighing quietly, he left all his concerns and opened the Bunker’s metal door. Making its hinges intentionally scratch and for it to bang on the metal rails. If his entrance doesn’t alert the two, Sam doesn’t know what else.

“Dean?” he called, loud almost hoarse as he stepped down the stairs, banging his loud shoes on the creaking metal. “Cas?” he reached the floor and felt a little apprehensive to see that the war room was empty. He kept his eyes alert to any movements, perked his ears to any sound. But it was his ears which finally caught whiff of tomato simmering from the kitchen. Sam glanced over the doorway leading to the heart of the Bunker and made sweep movements as he realized who was cooking.

He found the two, like how he always finds them early in the morning when Dean was in the mood and Cas was feeling up to joining them on breakfast, talking quietly in the room. Cas was on the stool facing Dean, wearing Dean’s hooded Jacket a top a gray shirt. The angel was rolling his palms on a tomato with an amused expression as he stared at Dean. Dean was grinning at his angel boyishly, his green eyes full of life and twinkling as he wore an apron above his black shirt. Sam sighed as he found them decent. Dean looked up at him and acknowledge him with the raise of his ladle.

“Finally. Thought you’d never rise up from the dead.”

“He did that.” Cas commented quietly, taking a sip on Dean’s can of beer he left on the table. Dean arched an eyebrow at him and snatched the beer, pointing at the angel authoritatively.

“Too early.”

Cas gave him a funny look and shook his head. Dean glanced back at his brother who was still standing by the threshold watching them. He frowned. “What? You gonna stand there looking like the Alps? Did you buy more beers?”

“I… I did,” Sam shook himself back to reality and walked towards the table. He put the contents of the grocery out, handing Cas the new trenchcoat the angel looked happy to receive. “Took the one with the long lapel. This is the only one there with the belt. The others are color black. Think that’ll work?”

“Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it.” Cas smiled while Dean snatched the other grocery bag from Sam. “Where’s the beer?”

“Here.” Sam handed him the other bag, “We better put them in the container but I don’t know where it is.”

“In my room.” Dean clicked his fingers and went off without another word, leaving Sam to walk to the tomato sauce and saw his brother was preparing spaghetti. He wrinkled his nose at too much pepper and stirred it with the ladle. Shrugging, he suddenly heard Cas behind him speak.

“Sam, I have a question.”

“What?”

“Why does your brother love to torture himself without reason?”

Sam whirled at his angel friend looking concerned. “Why, what happened? Are you two fighting?”

“No… but I think I screwed up.” The angel’s eyes narrowed into confusion, “And knowing my history of screw ups…”

Sam put the ladle down and was sitting opposite the angel at once. “What happened?”

“Well… Dean doesn’t want to have _intercourse.”_

Sam’s eyes rounded his muscles tensed as he straightened from where he sat. He watched the angel squint at him in his familiar fashion of inclining his head. But Sam would pay anyone not to be answering this question now. Yet, curiosity burned in him… _for Dean not want to have sex?_

“Tell me more— I mean—” Sam hissed at his carelessness, hands making halting gesture in the air, “I meant, when… why do you say he doesn’t want to do it?”

“Last night when we came here.” Cas said conversationally as if this was the most common topic early in the morning. Sam was almost ready to jump if he heard Dean coming back, “We… you know we had a rough night on the way here. It wasn’t… anyway I ended up being attacked by another human—”

 _“What?!”_ Sam gave Cas an incredulous look, jaw dropping open indignantly, but then blinked several times, his eyes darting to the hallway where his brother would be coming. “I didn’t hear anything about that— _and Dean let that happen? Did you guys bury the body? Or did you smite it?”_

Yes, this was a normal Winchester conversation.

“I threw him off away, I was so upset I didn’t even care where he landed. And then Dean was there.” Cas raised a dominant eyebrow, hands clasped together under the table, “Point is, Dean was there… and we were making up… and making out… I thought we wouldn’t even make it here.”

“Cas— _too much.”_

“Well, when we arrive here, we just took a shower and laid on the bed. We cuddled of course, but he—Dean didn’t do _anything.”_ Cas sighed in frustration and though he was a little embarrass to hear this, Sam couldn’t help the playful smile that threatened to spread on his lips. Castiel immediately noticed his smirk and had to frown.

“You think this is funny? What if Dean doesn’t want to bed me?”

“Bed you—?” Sam snickered. Cas was glaring at him.

“Sam, I’m serious.” Cas gritted his teeth, looking at Sam helplessly. “Your brother is a very healthy man and with an active libido judging by his age and stamina. And he doesn’t want _me._ I don’t understand—he told me he wanted me—told me loved me and yet he won’t make a move. Even this morning. I’m out of ideas, Sam… your brother’s utterly the most impossible, stubborn human being I have had the fortune to meet. He drives me crazy… drives me in every corner. No angel could do that. No being could without me ripping them apart.” He wished he could rip Dean’s clothes apart too. Cas blinked at the thought then sighed as he took one of the beers can from the grocery bag and popped it open.

“Yeah, that’s my brother. Like you don’t know him already. You love him that way, right?”

“I do.” The angel nodded slowly. “But it’s quite appalling that he doesn’t want to ask for it just when we finally get it together. I mean… is it because I flirted with the man last night too? It was his fault, he was all over that woman—”

“Someone’s gonna have to fill me in with the full story of that.” Sam muttered, eyebrows wiggling as he looked at the angel, “Look, Cas, that’s how Dean reacts every time he thinks he’s got things right. He’ll… pull away. But I don’t think that’s the case now, I mean… I think he’s still all over you.”

Cas looked unconvinced. “What about intercourse?”

Sam snickered again. “Cas… Cas I think… well, why don’t you ask him?”

“I tried. He keeps avoiding the topic.”

“Really?” Sam looked thoughtful, “Maybe you need to spice it up, you know. Wear only a cowboy’s hat?”

“Sam, you’re not being helpful.”

“What? Cas, it’s obvious, he’s freaking out. He’s so in love with you.” Sam wanted to point out that he was serious, but having Castiel asking why it was necessary grounded the notion. He didn’t want to be the one to explain to the angel the kind of kinks his brother was in. Can’t make Dean that happy too soon or the Bunker will be a legitimate sex dungeon. “I mean, Dean’s being careful, alright? Cas—I think he’s really madly in love with you.”

“If this is how he show his love…” Cas began to growl. Sam gave him one look before sighing and shaking his head.

“Look, Cas, I’m not one to advice when it comes to relationship. But you know, knowing my brother, it’d take both of you another apocalypse to both meet in the middle, eye to eye. Either you step up and ask him for it or Dean wouldn’t. Isn’t that what you’ve always been doing to Dean? Step up all over him? That’s why he fell in love with you too, Cas. You’re someone who also drives him on corners. Fuck it, you two really deserve each other.”

And still Cas is thinking of ripping Dean’s clothes apart when the man himself appeared, carrying the beer container. His eyes falling directly on him and the beer in his hands. Cas gave him a look of disdain and took one gulp from the bottle. Dean blinked and walked over to him and snatched the can away from his hand.

“I said too early, huggy bear.”

“Angel here. Just let me drown in my misery.”

Dean stopped in concern. “What are you on about?”

“You.” Growled both Sam and Cas in unison. Dean gave the angel and his brother a ridiculous look.

“You can take it, you know. Me.” Castiel began and he saw Sam choked. Then he immediately stood up and vanished from the kitchen while Dean’s jaw dropped. Castiel wouldn’t be surprised if he hears Sam jump to his car and disappear from the Bunker forever.

“What’s happening? Are we fighting again?” he put the container on the table. Cas pressed his lips together. “Your tomato soup is burning”

Dean yelped and turned to the stove, yanking the button off. He then slowly stared back at the angel who was watching him with sad eyes. Dean walked over to him and knelt by the stool just in front of him. “What’s the matter, Cas? Talk to me, babe.”

“Don’t you want me, Dean?”

“What?” Dean’s eyes rounded, getting on his knees and squeezing his hands on the angel’s knees, “Of course, I want you, Cas. I want all of you. Why would you think—”

“Then why aren’t we kissing?” Dean just stared at him, his green eyes flickering. Cas narrowed his eyes.

“You want to kiss?”

Castiel glared. “Do I need to beg?”

Dean blinked at him, then slowly reached a finger on Cas’ lips. Cas waited expectantly, but Dean only rubbed a thumb on his bottom lip before looking up and shrugging. “Wanna watch a movie?”

Castiel grounded his teeth as Dean only brushed their lips together. He watched the man get up and walked towards the hallway, rubbing a hand at the back of his head. He listened to Dean’s steps walking away, waited a little, before deciding he’d follow Dean anywhere anyway. When he came to the Dean Cave, he found Dean seated at the end of the long couch in front of the monitor set. Star Wars was on. Cas sighed and paddled towards the other end of the couch and sat there looking glum. Dean didn’t say anything at the distance of their arrangement and for a while the two sat in silence. Castiel stealing a look every now and then at the hunter with his expression hard.

Dean wanted to make a point, that was obvious. There was no way to be done except let him.

Cas looked down his lap. Yes, this battle of stamina could take days.

Next thing he knew, Dean had scooted next to him and dropped his head on the angel’s lap. He crossed his arms on his chest, with all intention to take a nap early that morning as he closed his eyes. Cas quietly watched the hunter, finally getting over the second’s surprise and placed a hand on his head.

He felt Dean snuggle close to his palm. Castiel could only sigh.

“You’re playing with me, aren’t you?” Cas asked quietly. “You’re mean, Dean. We both know we want the same thing.”

But Dean didn’t respond. Instead, he shuffled on his back, moving his head so that he was facing Castiel’s belly. Castiel gently sweeping the hunter’s hair and silently listening to the man’s grunts.

“I love you like this, Cas.” Dean murmured after a moment, eyes still closed. “Love you like this just beside me. We don’t need to do anything to prove anything… just staying like this… _fucking love you, Cas.”_

Cas traced the man’s delicate face and silently nodded. “Me too, Dean. And if you really prefer it, I’d wear only a cowboy hat for you tonight. _Just the hat.”_

Dean’s bright eyes shot open and they were not the same surprised eyes Cas saw when he asked him about the kiss. Something deep in Dean’s eyes had awoken, something that was making him stare at the angel in full minute, his lungs seemingly forgetting to take air. Cas blinked at the intensity of Dean’s eyes and wondered what kind of power a _cowboy hat_ has over the hunter.

Maybe he should start wearing leather boots too.

Without warning, Cas leaned down and planted a soft kiss on Dean’s open mouth. He netted on Dean’s top lips first, suckling on it gently till he felt Dean’s tongue licking his bottom lip. The kiss was slow, sweet and full of messy sound, tongues swirled back and forth between them, Dean pulling on his collar as he caught the angel’s tongue between his lips. Cas leaning down and deepening

Dean’s whole face was flushed. “Damn it, Cas… you’re a dirty player. I’m trying to hold back here, man. Trying to show you you’re not some piece of meat for me to eat…”

“I don’t know why you would compare me to your dinner.” The angel narrowed his eyes. “But that didn’t have my consent. Just give me your cowboy hat already and we can continue this tonight.”

Dean sat up on Cas’ lap.

“Why wait tonight?” he winked playfully.

Sam came down to the Dean cave, assured that Cas and Dean were locked up in his brother’s room far away from him. He planned to stay in the Dean Cave where he can put the loud speakers on and—he stopped at the doorway as he saw Dean humping Cas on the couch, clothes still half on— making the dirtiest movements and sound. Sam groaned out loud and attempted to block everything as he immediately turned his back—but too late. The imaged had been burned in his cornea. Now Sam knew nightmares when he sees one.

_“Fuck it—guys!”_

* * *

Castiel pushed Dean on his back at the bed and clambered on top of his body, straddling the hunter’s stomach with his lips crashing on Dean’s lips. Dean felt a burning sensation on his groin as the angel lead the game, lapping on his lips in complete abandon. His initial shock at Cas’ willingness was quickly replaced by hunger and the mind to _fuck_ at the way Castiel was making fire all over his body. The kiss was hot, Cas’ body was hot and Dean would be damned if stopped the angel now. Castiel was in charge.

Taking only a matter of seconds, he groaned out loud as he grasped Cas’ shoulder, clasping around the round solid muscle, running his hand on the angel’s back in the same agitation that Cas was kissing him. His bare hands traced the angel’s ribs and curves, down to his waist as he pulled him impossibly close, their fiery skins shaming the afternoon sun. He groaned longingly when he pressed up and found his cock rubbing up the angel’s abdomen, pressed nearly together with the angel’s own hardened shaft. He wanted it taken care of but Castiel was so busy with his mouth. And _damn it_ , Dean had wildly thought Castiel’s mouth on his aching groin. He hissed and moaned hopeless when it continued getting harder against the soft body on top of him. Dean was afraid he’d come by Cas’ wild kiss alone.

Whatever the hell was going on, Dean was enjoying it. Cas mouth felt so hot against his, and the sounds they were making was hitting on his cock like whip of torture. The thought of Cas down there almost had him cry out. Castiel continued leading their movements with tongues and teeth grazing and licking, biting and suckling every nook and corners they both could take. Dean always loved kissing the angel’s ample, chapped lips. There was something about its shape, its fullness and complete lack of restraint and pure innocence that drives him to always catch it. It was maddening how he lasted all those years just looking at the angel move his lips and not do anything about it. And now it was all over him. _It was his._

Dean couldn’t take it. The thought of Cas’ lips was another dream he’d never get over with. He was serious when he said he’d hold back—but when Cas was like this then Dean couldn’t promise anything anymore. He wanted Cas more than anything. Wanted the angel beneath him, but this arrangement didn’t seem bad either.

He ran his hand quickly on the angel’s shoulders and pushed him a little. The angel growled in disagreement, biting his bottom lip up, almost carding it with him as they pulled apart. Cas looked incensed with his brows furrowed. Dean stared at him, eyes glazed, their mouths wet and swollen. He’d never seen Cas so driven unless hunting demons or smiting someone’s brain’s out. He had to admit, that had him even more turned on.

“Cas,” he croaked, voice almost pleading, “lemme fuck your mouth.”

Cas looked him in the eye, something in his blue eyes flickering with want. Then he was sliding down Dean’s waist, hands carefully holding down on Dean’s hips. Dean stared up the ceiling with eyes watering. He called the angel’s name like a prayer, begging him again and again. Then the sky fell as he shut his eyes down on the first contact of Cas’ mouth on his dick. Dean gritted his teeth, the feeling of ecstasy shooting in his body. _Fuck… he’d really come with that alone._

Cas took his time, tasting the head, suckling on the crack and oh the sound that escaped from Dean’s own mouth. Precum. Cas was tasting him. Castiel heard him and became more aggressive. The angel swallowed him fast, his tongue flat, his mouth wide and full. The hunter had to bite his bottom lip went louder and louder. Cas was no expert, but the way the angel was driving his mouth in complete abandon was wildly unhinging Dean. Angels don’t need to breathe and Castiel was taking all of him, hot and raw. It made Dean realize that Cas was going to drink him dry. Cas was going to because he’s fucking the angel of the lord.

 _“Cas!”_ Dean hissed, eyes tight, spine arching, both hands threading on the angel’s hair, holding his head down in place as he found his own body tensing up, the tension building wanting a release, “So close… _fuck… gonna come in your mouth… Cas…Cas!”_

He dug his fingers on the angel’s messy hair, his hips bucking in his mouth, his toes cracking. Castiel didn’t let up and let the man fill his throat, the spaces under his tongue, sliding down the corner of his mouth as gulped without a hitch. The strange sensation of Dean’s fill sliding down his throat calmed Castiel. Dean was slowly getting soft as he moved his hips to let the last of his cum in the angel.

Then Cas felt Dean’s hands caress his cheeks gently. Looking up, Cas saw Dean was watching him. Castiel flushed and slowly pulled his lips from Dean’s member. Dean’s eyes still looked so lost and wanting. Cas pressed his lips, then felt Dean sat straight and pull his head into another kiss. Dean kissed him full, tasting his own cum strangely and enjoying its tang. Tasted each lips top and bottom like they were made of candy bars. Castiel let him as he closed his eyes, letting Dean take care of his mouth. They pulled softly after what felt like eternity.

“What the hell was that?” the bright green-eyed hunter began huskily, his skin flushed.

“Me showing that I love you too.” Cas replied, clearing his throat.

“You love me like this, Cas?”

“I love everything about you.”

Dean stared at him, then down to his lips as if making up his mind. “Want me to help you with that?”

Cas was about to ask what when he felt Dean’s firm hands groping on his still unattended hardness. The angel met the man’s shameless grin and nodded.

_“Please.”_

* * *

Dean was humming when he paddled to the kitchen near at dinner time in his gray bathrobe and brown slippers, with a perpetual smile at the corner of his lips when Sam saw him. Dean winked at him, remembering a little seeing his brother at the corner of his mouth in the Dean Cave.

“Heya, Sammy.”

“Fuck you too, Dean.” Sam slammed hands on his face, “Dammit, if I see you guys out in public like that one last time—”

“Uh… sorry, man. I didn’t… I thought you’d be staying out to give us space—”

“You thought I’d be out for a whole weekend?” Sam couldn’t help pressing a smirk as Dean tried to answer but was left wordless in the air, “It’s fine. Might actually find an actual place where I can stay for long periods of time if you want—”

“Why would I want that?” Dean crinkled his nose as he took a pitcher of water and poured some on a glass. “It’s not like we’re going to hog the place, Sam. This is still your home. You, me and Cas—we’re family.”

“Yeah?” Sam nodded, taking a sip on his tea just as Dean drank on his glass, “As long as you keep your dicks in your pants while I’m around—” Dean spluttered water everywhere and proceeded in coughing. Sam rolled his eyes as his brother began wiping his face with the end of his bathrobe. “I’m serious, Dean. I’m happy for you, really… but can’t you leave me some spaces here where I can still relax? Is that still possible, Dean?”

“What’s a guy to do to relax here if not that?”

“Keeping my poor eyes from your sex life.”

“Oh.” Dean pressed his lips closed and Sam saw him control a threatening smile. Sam shook his head in exasperation.

 _“Dude!”_ he complained, amidst Dean’s laughter. “Your sex life should be limited only to the restrictions of your room—”

“Bathroom. Still private.” Added the older hunter wistfully, making Sam grimace.

“No public porn, dude.” He warned. “I still want to sleep at night. Luckily the walls are soundproof.”

“Anything with closed space, right?”

 _“Anything with doors—no scratch that—_ keep it in your room!”

Dean was chuckling now as he absentmindedly wiped the table with his bathrobe. Sam paused as he saw his brother smile, his eyes crinkling on the sides, his laughter shaking his shoulder. Compared to the Dean he saw for the past weeks— some old dude with anger management issues and black beard— this Dean was an improvement. Sam couldn’t help sighing inwardly.

“You and Cas are really okay now, huh?”

Dean nodded. “I’d marry the guy tomorrow if he let me.”

Sam smirked at the heart eyes his brother was making and shook his head again. “Well, I’m happy for you, Dean. Always am where you’re happy. And marrying an angel, I can tell you one thing, that’s going to be topping some history of history in the world.”

Dean grinned and rounded to the stove, checking out the contents Sam obviously prepared for dinner.

“So, why’d you cook this many? Are we expecting company?” Dean made a face at the cold stew and paddled his way to the refrigerator to get some real meat. Sam followed his with his eyes and nodded.

“Yeah, Bobby’s coming over. He’s been calling me last night. Said he couldn’t get to you—”

“Not in the night, he wouldn’t.” Dean smirked and Sam ignored him.

“They’re already around the corner. Bobby texted me some weird info… something about spotting Jack.”

Dean froze halfway to the sink, exactly as the Bunker door opened and they heard steps on the metal stairs. Dean frowned as Sam looked over his shoulder and they saw Bobby appear by the kitchen door way. He wasn’t alone. Two broad shouldered hunters wearing caps were behind him, following his lead. Dean tightened his grip on the frozen bacon and waited for Bobby to settle himself by looking from Sam to him.

“Thought you boys need another house call. Lemme tell you the rates have gotten up in the last decade, so who’s payin?”

“Hey, Bobby.” Dean frowned, “What’s this about Jack? Didn’t I ask you to help find Ketch? Jack’s not even here. He’s in your universe.”

“Yeah, that’s what you thought.” Bobby nodded at the men behind him, “These hunters been keeping an eye on Jack. They know him, they’ve seen him in our world and they saw him here yesterday. Jack’s back. That not enough eyewitness to you, Dean?”

Dean and Sam exchanged looks but before either could speak, another voice called out Dean’s name from the hallway. Turning his head to the familiar voice of the angel, Dean saw Cas emerge from the curve of the hallway— saw his shoulder first and then his whole body— then had to give a yelp of surprise and run to cover his angel at once.

That was because Castiel was wearing a gray bathrobe like Dean, but had not bothered tying it close, nor did he bother wearing anything under so he came in the limelight fully naked under from the exposed middle line of chest, down below the cracks of his abdomen, to that sinful hipbones and between his legs. He was also not wearing any slippers. Dean was in front of him in instant before anything else could be revealed to Sam and everyone else, holding on the angel’s lapel closing it frantically reaching for the ties.

“What are you doing?” he hissed when Cas stared at him inquiringly. They stood chest to chest, Dean tucking Cas’ robe, not letting anything or anyone see his angel in anyway _inappropriate._ That was only for him and him alone. “ _You wanna get laid on the floor, Cas? Quit showing your sunny side and tie your robe—jesus!”_

Castiel frowned. Dean doubled the knot for extra measure before looking over his shoulder to the people behind him, feigning a smile Cas still protectively covered behind him. Sam wasn’t even looking up from his tea while Bobby had an eyebrow raised. It was the two hunters ogling at Castiel with leering eyes of curiosity and hunger that had Dean barking angrily, his hands wrapping on Cas’ waists and pulling close.

 _“Hey! You fucking shut your eyes_.” He pointed at the men belligerently who quickly looked away, their faces flushed. Dean wanted to rip their eyeballs out. Bobby was looking at Castiel and Dean’s proximity but did not comment on it. Dean bristled to the other hunters.

“Quit acting like a knucklehead, Dean, what are we going to do about Jack?”

“Where is he?” Castiel tried to clear away from Dean but the hunter wouldn’t let him. The angel gave Dean another look but Dean shook his head. “Dean—if Jack’s here then I have to—”

 “You mean ‘we’,” Dean said, giving the angel measured looks till Cas got the message and blinked at him. “You’re not doing anything on your own this time, y’hear? C’mon, let’s get you some real clothes.”

Cas stared at him, then tried to have a look at Sam and Bobby but Dean put hands on his shoulder firmly.

“Cas, you listening to me?”

Castiel took the note in his voice. He met Dean’s eyes and for a moment he looked like he wanted to say a more. Dean raised eyebrows at him. Castiel paused, and then quietly sighed. He nodded slowly, letting his eyes down between them. Dean let out an inward sigh before turning the angel around the shoulder and ushered him out of the room.

“We’ll talk about this.” Dean said to Sam and Bobby. With a final glare at the two hunters, he and Cas left the kitchen onto the hallway and back in Dean’s room. Castiel quietly let himself be led by Dean without saying anything. Back in the room, the hunter situated Cas at the edge of the bed. The angel sat with hands on his legs, keeping his face deadpan as possible as Dean knelt in front of him.

“Cas?”

Their eyes met. Cas shook his head. “This is Jack. Those hunters—are they planning to hurt him?” He quipped at once. Dean heard the urgency in his voice and placed a hand on top of the angel’s.

“No, no they won’t. They’ll be keeping an eye of him if he’s really here. They won’t do anything else. They know how strong he is… but Cas, I thought you said he’ll stay in the other world?”

“I don’t know what happened,” Cas said quickly, Dean pressing their hands. “but whatever it is, Jack not looking for me is strange. It’s possible he ran into some problem on the other reality. He could have spoken to me but I suppose he’s still not sure whether to meet you or not. He still has misgivings about your change of heart, Dean, even when I told him you have no plan to hurt him anymore.”

Dean nodded. “Of course, I won’t. No, but I won’t let you do anything on your own if you’re thinking of meeting him on your own. The answer is no, Cas.”

“But what if he only appears if I’m alone—”

“No, babe, no.” Dean reached a gentle hand on Castiel’s cheek, shaking his head, “You don’t leave me. I’ll come with you. I don’t care if it’s for chaperoning or just your driver, you’re not going off without me, y’here?”

“Dean, Jack doesn’t feel safe around you yet—”

“How will we know without trying?” Dean quirked a smile and shrugged. Castiel stared at Dean hopelessly, feeling a tinge of worry. The hunter looked determinedly back as if knowing exactly what was in his mind. “I’ll be fine.”

“Dean.”

“I’m going, Cas.” Dean stood up and kissed the top of Cas’ head with a final note in his tone. “Now, all we have to do is change to proper clothes—”

Cas used his mojo and Dean felt his body fit into his gears. He was in his hunting clothes while Cas sported his dark suit less the trench coat.

“I’ll communicate with Jack. Let’s go.” Cas said in a commanding voice as he stood. Dean chuckled, impressed,

“Where to?” he followed Cas to the hallway, Dean texting Sam of the plan and meet them in the impala without Bobby and the hunters. He'll be damned if he let those fuckers see Cas again. Castiel was all purposive as he strode down the parking area.

“Somewhere you know.”

* * *

The drive to the graveyard was short. Sam joined them shortly in the garage, saying he told Bobby that Jack will be unpredictable so they need to keep their eyes open for now. If it was the old Bobby, the old hunter would easily know Sam had something up his sleeves. But this was not their Bobby. He didn’t know Sam that well and thus left the Bunker with short nods, muttering about Dean and his angel and the idiot hunters with him putting their nose when it’s not needed. 

Team Free Will talked about the possible reason of Jack’s return along the way, but none could give the exact intention of the boy. Cas did mention him speaking to Jack in a prayer, but all they could hope was that he appeared. He told Jack Sam and Dean will be there and assured him many times there was no need to fear them.

In no time, the impala was passing through the familiar green trees surrounding the tombstones, crucifixes, statues of angels and temples made to remember the departed. Dean was driving, Sam on the shotgun. Cas kept his eyes fixed on the window from the backseat. It felt only yesterday when he drove here in his own car after an argument with Dean. Jack meeting him and them talking of a way to salvage Jack. Cas never believe, from the bottom of his heart, that Jack was unsavable. He believed in Jack and would have done the same thing over and over again. He remembered the sequence of the event where he and Jack sat on the bench.

Dean appearing with the equalizer at hand.

Dean shooting Cas and Jack taking him away. Far away. Cas gazed at Dean’s back and felt the memory no longer hurt him. He was okay and so was Dean. Cas realized he’d do anything to protect what he and Dean have now. But mostly, he’d protect Dean. He remembered the distrust in Jack’s eyes when Cas told him of Sam and Dean’s new resolved. He knew Jack didn’t believe him. Jack could hurt Dean and it was one of the reasons Castiel never wanted Dean in this meeting. What would he do if Jack hurts the Winchesters?

No. Jack won’t.

Still, Castiel prepared himself for the outcome with Jack’s best interest at heart.

Dean parked the impala on the same spot he did some ten months ago and stayed in the car looking ahead. Castiel and Sam followed where he was looking and sure enough, they found Jack standing on the same spot Dean had him with the Equalizer. The three all climbed out of the car, Dean slightly looking over Sam and Cas before shutting his door close. Jack was quietly watching them as they approached him. He smiled both at Castiel and slightly at Sam. But Dean. Dean received the boy’s frown.

Castiel was beside Dean in the next beat.

“Jack.” Cas started with Sam calling the boy softly too. “You’re back.”

“Cas,” Jack stepped towards the angel, but gave Dean a confused look. Castiel half glanced at Dean over his shoulder, then back to the boy.

“Don’t worry, Jack… Dean isn’t here to harm you. I promise you.”

Dean raised his head, eyes narrowing a little but he didn’t say anything. Jack was still looking at him with suspicion before his eyes fell on Sam. “Hello, Sam. I’m glad to see you.”

“Hey, Jack.” Sam broke into a genuine smile that faltered as he pressed his lips closed. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I am, but mostly I feel nothing.” Jack replied with a short smile. “But I know one thing. Dean still hates me.”

He looked Dean straight in the eye and the hunter stood in his full height.

“Jack, he isn’t here to hurt you.” Castiel said firmly, a hand unconsciously raising protectively in Dean’s direction.

“Stop, alright?” Dean said, stepping close to Cas and pushing the angel’s hand down. Castiel glared at the hunter, warning him not to make any untoward action that may upset the being far stronger than he is. But Dean was looking at Jack like he was a baby, which the Nephilim actually is.

“Look, Jack, I want you to know I’m not really sorry for making it difficult for you.” Dean began that had Cas and Sam snapping in his direction. Dean didn’t seem perturbed at the look Jack was giving him, “I’m a hunter and I hunt things that endanger the world. This world. I’ve been doing it as long as I can remember. You killed my mom… I had every right to take you.”

Cas hissed and took hold of Dean’s right arm. “Dean, don’t, please…”

Dean met his eyes. Castiel was surprised how calm the hunter was. Even Sam couldn’t help gaping at his brother as Dean turned to Jack quietly again.

“My mom was a wonderful person, Jack… even if you’ve known her little. And she’d die first before she lets any of her son suffer and leave them alone. My mom sacrificed herself to save me and Sammy. My mom’s ready to die for us all over again… so whatever mom said to you back then that… sent you on the edge, think of it as Mary Winchester not stepping back to what she thinks had to be done. Mom never looks at us for what we can do… not me and Sammy… not Cas being an angel… not you with your powers… she only knew us to be her children… she cared, Jack… and I’m sure she cared enough to tell you that you needed help. And even if you pushed her away, mom’s not one to look the other way. That’s what I believed happened, Jack. You can’t convince me, otherwise.”

Dean paused, sensing Jack’s whole attention on him. Cas stuck to Dean so closely, Dean could almost feel him radiating next to him. Sam gave his older a brother a look of apprehension but did not say anything as he threw a look at Jack.

Jack held Dean’s eyes and blinked quietly. “Is that what you’re doing now?” the boy asked. “This is what you call ‘care’? Telling me that I am responsible for Mary’s death…?”

Cas gripped Dean’s arm tight. Dean narrowed his eyes and curtly nodded. Cas closed his eyes tightly.

“But it’s not your fault alone.” Dean went on, eyes on Jack. “We we’re all responsible to what happened to you. I’m sorry for… making you what you are now, Jack. This is not how it’s supposed to be, but here we are.”

“Yes…” Jack nodded, “here we are. I can’t even bring Mary back.”

“It’s okay,” Dean said softly, eyes turning glaze for a moment, “She had a good life. She’s happy now. Happier than she was ever here.” Dean found Jack’s eyes again. “I think mom never resented you. Don’t blame yourself, Jack.”

“But you’re still angry with me…?” Jack said slowly, shaking his head a little, “I don’t understand…”

Dean’s eyes gleamed and before Cas could stop him, the hunter took several steps to Jack. Cas was quick behind him, hands around Dean an instant. Dean was glowering at Jack.

“Cause you took Cas away!”

 _“Dean!”_ Cas had found himself in front of Dean, the only barrier between him and Jack. Dean had a finger pointed in Jack’s face while Sam finally decided to walk beside him and put his hand down. Dean was still glaring.

_“You don’t do that again! Don’t snatch people I love before my eyes! Stop taking them away… just stop!”_

“Dean!” Castiel repeated, pressing himself on the hunter and successfully pushing him without hurting him. He was afraid if he used his actual strength, he’d hurt Dean. “Stop it, Dean! Jack—don’t do anything to him.”

He glanced in Jack’s direction, making sure the boy was not after Dean. He found Jack silently watching the hunter while Cas pressed himself against the man. Cas didn’t know what Jack could be thinking, but he was not going to let Jack hurt Dean. Sam was left standing close to Jack but he was not backing away either.

“Jack, Dean and Cas…” he began.

“I know.” Jack muttered all of a sudden, meeting Sam’s eyes. “But I don’t understand it. That kind of love. It must be so powerful… for the two of them to look like that. Brave… and scared and calm and angry at the same time.”

Sam and Jack both glanced up at the couple. Castiel had his arms wrapped around Dean’s middle, his head on Dean’s neck while the hunter breathed down on him, calming down his senses and heaving deep sighs, arms around the angel as well. It made Sam smile a little, watching his brother’s hard expression soften as Cas murmured into his ears. Finally, the someone who could calm Dean Winchesters in a click of a hand.

“Dean doesn’t want to lose Cas… Cas doesn’t want to lose Dean…” whispered Sam, slowly blinking.

“Is that hard?”

Sam turned to Jack. “For the two of them it is. It’s happened many times and… even I couldn’t imagine the pain.”

“I see…that will be a problem once the Empty reappears.” Jack said, making Sam frown at him. “But you know, Sam… I think you do know pain. You’re just… you have a different way of dealing with pain, Sam. I’ve seen you. And I’m sorry I cannot help you. I don’t think I can help anyone anymore with this kind of power so I’m giving it up.”

“What?” Sam’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping open. Castiel and Dean both looked up at his surprised reaction and saw Jack looking up at heaven.

“Jack?” Castiel pulled himself away from Dean, their hands still entwined. “What are you doing?”

“Giving up something that caused me my family.” Jack answered, his glowing eyes falling on the Winchesters and Castiel, “Kelly from the other universe has died, Cas… and she doesn’t want me to bring her back. She doesn’t want to come here either… because she knows when her time is up, the people she actually loved are not in this heaven. My mom is in this heaven. I do not belong there. So what good are my powers if I can’t use it for the people I care about? All I ever did… is to hurt the family that took me when I was on my own. I understand that now… so in order to stay back with all of you… even if I am soulless… will you take me back?”

He asked the question tentatively to Dean who blinked back. Cas pressed his hand and the hunter nodded.

“Of course. We’ve screwed up many times than you did, Jack… you belong with us.”

Cas gave Dean an amused look but didn’t say anything as the hunter shrugged in his direction.

“Then,” Jack sighed, looking up, “I don’t need this much power I myself can’t control.”

“Jack…” Cas called with Dean’s eyes widening as a crack in the clouds suddenly appeared with the surge of strong wind. Sam walked back a few steps as heaven opened up and swallowed the flash of lights emitting from the Nephilim. Thundered filled the sky, bright lights shone from every crack of the clouds—a loud whip of the wind—Castiel heard Heaven and the angels singing as powers surrounded its walls—the angel feeling such power run through his vein even at the tip of his broken wings.

Heaven’s power has returned.

Jack closed his eyes and opened them up back at the Winchesters and Cas. He smiled a little. “I left enough powers for my wings and help out with the hunting… and heal injuries. And at the end, if I feel like it… I might give up all my grace and die as a human. Just to be with my mom.”

“Anubis will decide that for you so don’t you go taking your life away for granted, Jack.” Dean said quietly as Cas pulled away from him and embraced Jack.

“Jack…” he sighed deeply, “I’m glad… I’m really glad…”

“Me too, even if I don’t know it.” Smiled the Nephilim. Dean and Sam grasped each other’s arms just as Cas pulled away from the boy who squinted at him curiously.

“Are you really happy, Cas?”

Cas was taken aback. “What do you mean, Jack? Of course, I’m happy for you.”

“I don’t mean myself. I meant your deal with the _Empty.”_ Jack inclined his head to the side. Castiel’s eyes widened and he glanced behind him to find Dean watching them with an alarm forming on his fair face.

_“What deal?”_

* * *

Jack typed on the laptop with quick fingers clacking on the keys. 5G was doing him good and he was enjoying the quick loading of all cat videos around. In front of him, Sam Winchester came back from the kitchen carrying a tray of healthy salad snacks and glass of milk put between them. He then settled down on the opposite chair onto his own laptop, typing much efficiently than the boy

Jack took the glass of milk and smiled on his screen. Sam saw him and quietly smiled on his own. After a while, Jack pulled his eyes away from the monitor with eyebrows up questioningly at the hunter.

“Dean and Cas won’t return tonight, will they?”

“No,” Sam cleared his throat, his forehead crinkling as he looked back his screen, “They… they have some things they need to sort out on their own… what with the deal and all…”

Jack nodded, “Both of them said it wasn’t my fault.”

“It wasn’t.” Sam turned to Jack now, eyes solemn, “Jack, had any of us been in Cas’ place, we would have done the same.” And Sam was certain they would. Jack nodded again, pressing his lips into a smile he thinks necessary for the kind words.

“Thank you, Sam. But I wonder… will Cas and Dean be okay?”

Sam slowly lowered his eyes to his hands. Dean had taken the news quietly and Sam knew that wasn’t fine. Like Dean had shut down again. But it surprised him that he was responsive to Cas. Cas who had been worried for days about Dean until the hunter invited him out for a road trip. Dean was okay… at least, as long as Cas was around.

“They’ll be fine.” He assured Jack, not believing his words, eyes glinting and wishing he was more confident than he felt. “It’s Cas and Dean. They’re together now… they will be fine.”

* * *

 _“Is this fine?”_ came the hunter’s husky voice in the closed space of the impala’s roof at the back seat.

“Yes… oh yes…” Cas breathed as he grinded lower on Dean’s cock, arms around the hunter’s neck, their noses pressed together, bodies locked as one, pressed together with hitching breaths as the awaited climax intensified and both groaned in satisfaction after a few more minutes of working hard. Dean moaned with his release inside the angel, leaving biting marks on his flawless shoulder, up to his neck, tracing his curves and lines. Dean didn’t let up and nibbled on the angel’s jaw line, then to his ears, waiting his come to fill the angel.

“That good?” he asked, brushing his lips on the angel’s.

“Yes…” Castiel replied shortly, slumping down on Dean’s chest with closed eyes. “It’s great.”

The impala was parked in the middle of nowhere, to a dark plane looking across the black sea. The stars twinkled and shone brightly above their heads to the wide grounds outside the impala where a bonfire was lit in the middle. Two folding chairs were left vacated outside as the occupants breathed each other inside the warm and cozy back seat of Dean’s baby. The cool breeze outside made some howling sound. But the impala was as warm as the sun. Especially with the two snuggled closely together, no space allowed. The angel on top of the hunter.

Dean stroked Cas’ back gently, running his hand on the angel’s spine till it settled down on Cas’ curvy hips. Cas hadn’t move after their climax with Dean still sticking up inside him. Neither made any attempt to move their position and Dean smiled at the intimacy they shared. He wished it won’t have to end.

He heard Cas hum on his chest and new the angel was waiting for him to speak first. Dean licked his lips and stroked the angel’s black hair. “You okay, Cas?”

“I am…” came the muffled reply, before the angel raised his head up, staring at Dean with his intense blue eyes alert in the dark. “Are you, Dean?”

The hunter nodded quietly, his fingers running down Cas’ chin and rubbing it. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Cas’ blue eyes clouded as he inched up on the hunter, slipping Dean’s soft cock out of him as he placed both his hands-on top of Dean’s chest. They stared in each other’s eyes for the longest of time, sensing and reading each other like only they could. Dean didn’t pull his eyes away. He watched Cas, watched Cas as much as he could, caressing his cheek and rubbing his chin. Cas is very beautiful.

“Dean…” there was concern in the angel’s voice.

“Yeah, Cas?”

“You… you don’t want to talk about it?” the angel hesitated a little. “You never spoke about it after our long talk… you don’t even ask me about it… about the deal… you’re starting to scare me…”

Dean smiled warmly and pulled the angel’s head so it rested on his neck. “Don’t you think that’s what I’d like you to feel? Scared? So you don’t get taken by any entities who want to get his hands around you?” he kissed Cas’ hair. The angel abruptly pulled his face up, blue eyes bright even in the dark.

“Really?” he asked rather hopefully. “You are doing it deliberately?”

Dean couldn’t help chuckling. “Yeah… yeah I’m gonna make you feel miserable so you don’t get taken away from me.”

Castiel frowned a little, and then dropped his head on Dean’s neck again, his nose up the man’s chin.

“I don’t understand… if you want to make me feel miserable, we wouldn’t be doing this… I’m surprised we’re still…” he pursed his lips.

“Joined inside the hips? Why Cas, we can always stop.” Dean giggled as Cas pulled his head up again, looking scandalized.

“Stop? This? Dean—”

“I’m playing yah,” Dean pulled the angel to his chest again, calming him with his hand on the angel’s head one more time. “We’re not gonna stop this… no. And we’ve been doing this longer even without me knowing about your deal. So I think it’s okay. But I guess, I’m a little disappointed… you’re never happy when we do this?”

“I am!” Cas insisted, head up and challenging as he stared down the hunter, “I’m always happy when we do this, Dean. If I’m going to be the one to decide, I’d lock you up in the room and have sex with you the whole day, entire month, a year. But I suppose that is not healthy for you.”

“Says who?” Dean raised an eyebrow, “You can always do that. But that could burst your happiness bubble and before you know it, you’re stuck in a black room without me. You’re gonna be lonely and depressed. I don’t think that’s a happy thought, ain’t it, Cas?”

“No,” Cas wrinkled his nose, “It isn’t. I do not find the idea of leaving you appealing. I don’t even think I’ll ever be happy with that in mind, Dean. Thank you for reminding me.”

“My pleasure.” Dean sighed as Cas’ head settled on his neck again. “And we’ve told each other we love each other many times… but it still didn’t make the cut on your deal so I suppose it’s still safe to say it.”

“What are we really doing here?” Cas smiled slightly, kissing the middle of Dean’s chest. “Trying to guess what makes me happy and what not?”

“To be on the safe side, we are.” Dean grumbled, pulling Cas closer to him. Castiel felt the pressure of his embrace and tried to wriggle a little to look at the man. Dean didn’t let him. “I just want to make sure you’re still happy… but not too happy…. But happy enough to make me happy… doesn’t that sound crappy?”

“It does.” Castiel grinned and the two bathed in a few minutes silence, listening to each other’s easy breathing.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Are you not angry with me? For keeping this a secret for a long time…?”

Dean fell silent. Now Cas really had to wriggle from his vise like grip to see Dean’s eyes. “Dean?”

“I’m done getting angry.” Dean whispered as Cas pressed himself upward so their eyes were levelled, the angel’s hands touching the hunter’s face. “I don’t want to screw us anymore, Cas… I don’t want to waste any time without you… I’m done keeping away. I want to stick by you now… like I said, whatever this fucking world throws at us, we’ll face it together.”

Cas stared at Dean Winchester and shook his head. “Thank you, Dean.” He bent down and placed a deep kiss on Dean’s lips. The hunter answered him and the two locked into another battle of passionate kissing.

* * *

Dean stood at the edge of the cliff around dawn but the sky was still dark. Stars still burned bright before him and Dean spent the entire half an hour in the open space, breathing fresh air of the salt sea and the trees. Cas was inside the impala, resting after another active role as Dean’s partner. Dean covered him with his own jacket so he stood there with the cold breeze cooling his body. But Dean didn’t care. He was staring at the horizon with a lost look as he rubbed something in his hand. Looking down, the hunter stared at the ring on his right hand, it’s red box on the other.

It was supposed to be for Cas made from an angel blade that Dean had customized to look like a decent band. It had Castiel’s and his initials in it written in enochian. Dean didn’t contact Sister Jo for nothing and paid a lot of sum. Now Dean pressed his lips. He supposed with the circumstances happening, it was impossible to make the world perfect. Not yet, at least. Until he found a way to solve this. No way can he make this move to Cas. It was too risky.

Sighing, the hunter closed his palm around the ring. Looked out to the horizon and with a force of a man with a will of steel not to breakdown before his love one, Dean Winchester tossed the ring high up in the air than the mountains and sink down to the ocean.

The ring reflected the first reign of sunlight and Dean watched its tiny blinding light disappear as it plopped on the surface of the water. Dean didn’t remember falling on his knees. He didn’t remember when the tears poured out. All he knew was trying his best not to make a sound, not wanting to awaken his angel.

But it was painful, not to make any sound. His body trembled violently, even when he wrapped his arms around himself. He choked on his breath as tears splashed from his cheeks, down to the ground. But Dean gulped every breaking sound, he swallowed every painful jab in his stomach. Hell, he would have thrown himself down the cliff if it meant containing the godawful sound that was coming from his lips just now.

He brushed his hand frantically on his face. Disbelieving the continued waterworks. Surely, it’d stop soon? He didn’t want Cas to see him. Cas didn’t have to worry about him. Cas didn’t need to see him like this when he had to be strong for Cas. He had to. Dean bowed on the ground, his stomach clenching at the violence of the effort. He grappled on the grasses and clutched on them. He couldn’t breathe.

Then Cas was there holding him strongly. Cas who pulled him to his knees, his bright blue eyes full of worry as he held Dean’s damp cheeks on his palm. Cas who immediately pulled him in a tight embrace, calming him, his voice soothing Dean to remember how to breath. Cas was also desperately kissing him till Dean crumbled and felt the angel wrap his arms around him. Calling him gently. Making him feel love. Making him feel he wasn’t alone. Castiel who was forever his savior…

When Dean came into, he saw the blue sky with still a tinge of purple above his head. He blinked. Only to find it was Castiel looking down at him. Dean blinked again and tried to get up but the angel’s firm hands were on his shoulder quick.

“Lay down.” He commanded sounding grim.

Dean blinked again and tried to understand where he was. Castiel was sitting with his back pressed on the side of the impala with Dean’s head lying on his lap. Dean stayed still as he tried to remember but his memory in the morning sucked.

“Cas?”

“Stay quiet, Dean… you need your energy. You passed out on me. Don’t do that again.”

Castiel was not looking at him now but at the bright horizon. He looked slightly tired and a little angry. Dean stared at him and saw red marks under the angel’s eyes. Cas had been crying. Dean touched his cheeks. To think he was the reason an angel was crying… Dean wasn’t sure he wasn’t going to be damned in the afterlife. Castiel looked down at him with red accusing eyes as if he heard his thoughts. Dean had no words for the angel’s anger but Dean knew he had to get up. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, and then was struck by something glinting in his hand.

It was the silver ring with the enochian symbols. He saw Cas looked down at him with hardened expression.

“How did you—? Oh.” Dean blankly stared at the sky as he answered his own question. “Was it Jack?”

“Yes.” Cas nodded, “I didn’t mean to sound so commanding, but he understood.”

“Where’s he now?”

“In the Bunker. He said he’ll be waiting for us to return. Told him don’t wait up yet… we have many things to do after this. Especially after what you pulled just now.” Cas glared at him. “You must be thinking it’s the best, weren’t you? That I don’t know about your secret ring?”

Dean shot up into a sitting position, but Castiel clamped a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back to his lap.

“Cas, how did you—”

Castiel paused for a moment, before closing his eyes. “I saw you, Dean… I saw you throw it… Did you plan to keep this on your own?” Dean was silent and this was a silent confirmation, enough for the angel to hiss. “Why?”

“I didn’t want to worry you…” Dean said solemnly, “It doesn’t matter, it’s fine. We’re still together, aren’t we?”

Cas’ eyes clouded, his grip on the man’s arm tightening. “But you were in pain… and didn’t tell me…”

“You had enough in your mind Cas, don’t make me worry you about it, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? It was the stupidest, most selfless thing I’ve seen a human do, Dean…” Cas’ deep voice shook a little, his blue eyes glistening. “When will you just… _just…_ I love you so much, you know that, Dean…”

“Cas…” Dean sat up slowly as the angel slipped the ring in his finger. “What are you doing?”

“Reminding myself of what I’m going to miss if I don’t fix the problem.”

“But Cas—”

“No, Dean.” The angel said fiercely, eyes glinting, “No Empty will take this away from me. I won’t be leaving you on your own again— _I can’t be happy knowing you’d be miserable without me—no!”_

“Cas, why are you—we can’t both be crying in one day…” the hunter chuckled as he held the angel in his arms, “Cas, we’re a mess… fuck, don’t cry… this is why I didn’t… I didn’t wanna make you worry…”

“That’s stupid.” Cas growled, tears streaming down nonstop on his cheeks, “Do you plan to bear this alone? You won’t talk—you think you can do it silently when I’m not looking? Dean— _Dean, that’s like shutting me out of your life._ I don’t want that. You’re hurting yourself and there’s nothing I can do if I don’t know anything about it!

“I’m just trying to protect you in my own way, Cas…” Dean insisted, “You don’t have to care about it—it’s fine.”

“Not care? It’s like you don’t know me at all.”

Dean sighed and shook his head. “Look, I screwed up. With all this deal and everything I just thought… it’d be best to choose another moment when all of this are behind us. Cas… Cas, I’m fine. Please stop crying…” he planted his lips on the angel’s temple and pressed their heads together. “Cas, I can’t think straight if you’re crying like this because of me… please stop…”

“How can I be happy when you’re like this? I can’t leave you like this, Dean… I wouldn’t leave you even if it kills me.” Cas found himself saying, gritting his teeth and cursing the name of the Empty for ripping Dean’s hope away from him like this. At the same time—for the first time in his life—cursing himself for making the deal that was hurting Dean, enough for the man to crumble before his very eyes. Just when he promised himself, he wouldn’t let Dean suffer anymore. Castiel never wanted to see Dean that defeated again. He never wanted to see Dean sad ever again. They have to do something about the Empty and soon.

They ended the afternoon in each other’s arms inside the impala again, both dressed but just quietly sitting together, snuggled so close with Castiel lying on Dean’s arms, his face next to his heart.

Dean was fast asleep beside him, all the toll of that morning’s violence taking up much of his energy. Castiel watched him silently, just like he’s had for the previous weeks. Just watching Dean sleep quietly beside him like it was the most satisfying job in the world. It was and Castiel had found its appeal on the first few days of staying on earth.

Dean had always been the only one in his eyes. Sighing contentedly, the angel traced the hunter’s lips with his finger. He ended up getting bitten as Dean caught him and proceeded on licking the tip of his hand.

“Stop that or I’ll eat you.”

“That’s not even a threat.”

“You not afraid I’ll make you so happy, you end up there?” Cas felt Dean shiver at his own joke. He pushed closer to the hunter, kissing on his exposed neck and murmuring in his ears.

“I don’t get satisfied easily, Dean. It may even take decades to make me truly happy…” Cas paused, thinking the weight of his words to be the truth. Because how could he ever be happy with thought of Dean broken behind? He felt Dean shift on his body to try and look at him.

“You’re not satisfied with me?” he asked, quite shocked.

“It’s not a challenge.” Cas said smugly, “Though, I’d like to see you try.”

“Aw, Cas. Stop playing with my head, babe. As much as I want to…”

“Don’t be a baby, Dean.” Castiel chuckled. “My happiness does not solely rely on your ability to make me come a number of times.” He smiled at the gaping hunter and took the chance to lick his lips, before pulling back with raised eyebrows.

“Why do I like it when you talk so filthy?” Dean murmured, a hand running down the angel’s bottom and squeezing. Cas nuzzled closer to him and chuckled again. The breeze of the wind caught their hair as the two sat side by side, locked into each other’s arms. The sky remained blue, mountains immovable and the ocean remained vast. Angel and hunter watched the scene feeling warm and a little bitter. There were more challenges to come, but as long as they were together…

“We’re okay, aren’t we, Dean? You and me?”

“We are.” Dean kissed the top of his head. “We got Jack. There’s no bullet on your body. You’re alive. I’m alive. Sam is healthy. Picture of healthy family. But I want to smack that freak of an Empty for luring you… if you just let me at him…”

“Shh…Dean.” Cas pressed a finger on the hunter’s lips. “We’ll fix this. Together.” He promised the man.

Dean smiled warmly and pulled Cas into a kiss.

“Stop thinking about it and humor me…” he sighed and suddenly went on, “Will a sex dungeon make you happy or not?”

Castiel blinked as the mental image of torture hall from classic history flashed before his eyes. “Why would you want a sex dungeon for? Is that even legal?”

“Angels talking about legalities?”

 “But a sex dungeon?”

“Yep.”

“Sam will kill you.”

“He will.”

Castiel paused and peered up the man curiously. “You’ll do it anyway, won’t you?”

“Like my life depended on it.”

“Dean, you’re impossible.”

* * *

Dean jerked his eyes wide open when an unearthly sound coming from somewhere far shook him, sending his heart pounding painfully in his chest. It was the middle of the night and he was wide awake with his breath catching at the image of darkness, _Empty_ hunted his dreams. A sense of lost gripped him and the knee jerk reaction to grabbed hold onto Cas. He doesn’t care anymore—he’d find a way to tear the universes apart if the Empty ever laid hands on his angel—

_“Dean.”_

A hand gripped tight on his waist, gentle and soothing. The hunter looked down under his nose only to find himself under the watchful blue eyes of the very angel of his dreams wrapped in his arms under the bedraggled bedsheet and soft pillows. They were back in the Bunker. Cas was looking at him with concern, his jaw set and brows furrowed. Dean stared at him for a moment, then sighed and pulled the angel close into a deep kiss.

That eased Dean’s heart. Cas’ warm presence and solidity were all true. _The Empty hasn’t come… Cas was safe…_

After a moment, the angel pulled a little higher, their nose still touching as Dean ran a finger on Cas’ lips, his thumb tracing the outline of his jaw. His green eyes locked on the blue. Cas looked so beautiful in the dark, his grace allowing him to glow before the hunter’s eyes. Dean eased his breathes, blinking at how Cas was with him for real. The threat of the Empty slowly faded at the back of his mind replaced by the memories of Castiel’s fevered moans and feel of his soft body beneath him that cemented Dean’s new dreams.

“Nightmare?” the angel asked quietly, his own arms around Dean’s neck, looking down with Dean’s face next to his heart. Dean nodded slowly, still not taking his eyes off the angel. Cas blinked slowly. “Wanna talk about it?”

Dean pondered this for a while, but his eyes fell on Cas’ plump lips and had to kiss it. He’d never get tired of kissing the angel. Anytime and anywhere.

“No.” he murmured, easing his head on Cas’ bare chest, snuggling a little closer, his arms around the angel’s waist, palms holding on his sharp hipbones. He inhaled quietly with Cas next to him, but couldn’t go back to sleep now. His reality was nowhere near as good as any dream could have. He leaned up, jaw grazing Cas’ chest. Cas was still watching him under glazed blue eyes.

“You watching me sleep, angel?” Dean asked warmly, smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “You always gonna be there when I wake up for the rest of my life, perfect angel?”

Cas returned his smile. “Yes.”

Dean’s smile faltered. He caressed his hands around Cas’ sides affectionately, trying to remember the curve down to his hipbones and up to his ribs. Cas watched him fondly.

“Cas…” Dean began, although he had been repeating this over and over. But he wanted Cas to know. He wanted Cas to always know. “You don’t leave me again, okay…? You don’t leave. I’ll die without you.”

“Don’t say that.” Cas’ eyes visible hardened.

“It’s true.” Dean sighed, pulling his right arm from under Cas’ waist so he could adjust his position and level with the angel’s eyes, “You make me want to live. I don’t care about some Empty freak, no one’s going to take you from me. Not you. Not this.”

Cas untangled his arms on the man’s neck and reached for his cheeks. “Dean… you live for yourself.”

“Can’t do that without you, Cas… you’ve already made me fall hard enough in love with you.”

Castiel looked troubled for a moment, fingers cradling Dean’s freckled cheeks gently. “I love you too, Dean…”

“Then don’t say anything else and stay.” Dean pushed forward, leaning on the angel so their temples pressed, their eyes closed. “Just say you’ll stay…promise me we’ll face whatever this world throws at us together… Empty or not, promise me that you won’t go away even if you think it’s for my sake. It’ll kill me, man… it’ll kill me if you go again. Please… _just please say you’ll stay…”_

“Dean…” Cas was touched by Dean’s heartfelt words. It made his eyes water and made him wrap his arms around the man protectively. Adoringly. Lovingly. Dean who deserved to be loved now in his arms and Castiel will damn himself if he hurt him again. So, he turned his nose at the crook of the man’s neck and nodded. “Yes… I will stay. I won’t leave you… I’m going to stay here and it will take an apocalypse to keep me away.”

“Don’t say that,” Dean chuckled, half sniffing as he wrapped his body on the angel beneath him, seeing Castiel look up at him too with tearful eyes. “Cas, our whole life is an apocalypse. Heck, we’re still hanging above the Empty like this, but I don’t care. We’ll fix it. Find a way. I only want you, Cas.”

Castiel nodded and answered when Dean’s lips found his. He found a moment to respond.

“I’m yours.”

Dean met his eyes. Cas was looking bare into his soul it sent shivers on the hunter’s spine down to the regions he knew only too alive and excited as he was. Castiel obviously felt the sharp movement pressed beneath him and raised an eyebrow at the hunter.

“It hasn’t been an hour…” he muttered when Dean grinned and kneaded on the angel’s thigh straddled between his legs. The hunter felt his cock swell and bit his lips. Who the hell comes with just a leg?

“Can’t do anything about it, you’re just smoldering when you’re like this. Under me.”

Cas flushed beneath him. He saw the blue eyes widened and the angel inhaled, his chest rising, obviously aroused. Dean groaned and he moved his hips, looking up at Cas with yearning in his green orbs. _Pleading._

“I can help you.” Offered the angel after a moment.

“Damn you if you don’t.”

“Then get up and kneel.”

“I’d beg you even if you don’t tell me, babe. And we can do this all day. You think that’d be enough for the Empty?”

 _“Dean.”_ Cas growled, ready and waiting, his hand suddenly finding the cowboy hat he left on the bed.  _“Shut up and fuck me.”_

Dean giggled, his laughter music on the angel’s ears. _“As you wish.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'd climb every mountain  
> And swim every ocean  
> Just to be with you  
> And fix what I've broken  
> Oh, 'cause I need you to see  
> That you are the reason


End file.
